17. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

The Fulfilling Life Exercise

Think about your own life for a moment.Ask yourself, what would a fulfilling life be like for you?

Write a short story about what a fulfilling life would look like for you?

What would your top 5 values be?

What would you be doing at home? At work?

What would your relationships look like?

Would you change any personal characteristics (e.g., physical, mental, emotional)?

What is it that would make you whole and content?

This is much different than asking “What do you want?”

We’re talking about the search for personal fulfillment.

Most people when answering this question look at what they have…what they don’t have… and see a gap …and then look for things to fill the gap. It may be the obvious – a higher-paying job, a wonderful marriage, more money, a promotion, a successful business and so on.
Unfortunately, the happiness derived from HAVING such things is fleeting. I’m sure you’ve experienced this in your own life. You’re ecstatic when you buy a new car. Then the ecstasy fades after a few months.  This same thing happens with relationships, homes, promotions and major purchases.

As long as we are looking for ways to HAVE a fulfilling life, we will only be temporarily fulfilled. Many of us think that more money is the answer. Yet, look at the lives of lottery winners. Most of them have continued to be plagued by the same host of problems that they had prior to becoming wealthy. In fact, for many of them, their problems have been magnified! I know of one couple that said they wished they had never even won the lottery as it led to greater problems, addictions, and eventually divorce.
A different framework is needed through which we view life, a different way of viewing fulfillment. Ask yourself what it would take for you to BE fulfilled.

This minor difference in wording implies that fulfillment is enjoying the journey, not merely a destination. This doesn’t mean that you will stop wanting things. Just that the things are mere expressions of fulfillment, not the means to fulfillment.

This means that we can be fulfilled even in the midst of difficult situations. Fulfillment means that you are fully alive and in synch with the different energies of the universe. It may be described as being in harmony with the environment around you. It also involves living in synch with your personal values. It may involve keeping your cool while others are losing theirs. Everyone’s definition of fulfillment is unique and changes constantly.

And this is largely what coaching is about – inviting clients to look closely, not merely with their brains, but with their heart, soul and intuition, at themselves, in areas which are familiar, but viewed with new lenses, and at places that have never been looked at before.

The famous psychologist, Erich Fromm wrote, “”Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself.” The way in which we give birth to ourselves is by listening to and following our dreams.

How to Access Your Dreams: 

Ask yourself…

  What would make me happy?

  Why would it make me happy, and why is it important to me?

  How will it benefit other people?

  When do I want it to happen?

Keep a journal by your bed to write down your thoughts and feelings. Over time your dreams will reveal themselves to you. As they do, your passion, happiness and engagement with life will soar. Enjoy the ride.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Founder Guide to Self, Inc.
For a free copy of my award-winning self-help book, Guide to Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought, visit the site above, enter your name and email and receive an instant complimentary copy. Begin improving your life today!

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17. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

A happy, successful and satisfying life involves behaving according to a your own set of ethics, standards, or values.  Values are the core beliefs upon which you operate your life. You may be aware of your core beliefs. You may not. In my experience, I’ve noticed that the vast majority of people do not have any idea what their top values are.

Remember - You Are a Worthy Individual

To get the most from your life, you must believe at your core that you are a worthy individual – worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of making mistakes to learn from, worthy of friendship, worthy of quality friends, worthy of appropriate boundaries, worthy of taking time to refill and renew yourself, worthy of a flourishing and fulfilling life.

Our values are the stars by which we navigate through life. Henry David Thoreau wrote, ‘The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.’

It Is Easy to Lose Track of Values In A Busy World

Ours is much too busy and noisy a world. Our lives take on a frenetic pace and people lose track of the values that give life meaning and purpose.

Everyone says they are for values – individuals, schools and corporations. All are quick to claim lofty ideals. The problem is their actions are not in keeping with their words, particularly at times of high emotion. Thus, we have schools that talk about treating children with compassion while verbally flagellating them in the classrooms.  We have parents that profess to love their children yet rage at them behind closed doors. We have businesses that say they value their customers yet treat them as if they were unintelligent nuisances. 

Ignore Values at Your Peril

People unaware of their values are more likely to be uncaring, conforming, inconsistent, and self-conflicted.

The less we know of our values, the less success and happiness we enjoy.

Clarify Your Values, Enjoy Success

The more we understand our values, the better able we are to make right choices which lead to right action even in the heat of strong emotions. This leads to integrity, happiness and prosperity.

Clarity of values leads to decisive acts of courage which are becoming exceedingly rare in this world. Don’t be driven by the whims of your emotions. Be character driven.   Be value driven.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Founder Guide to Self, Inc.

For a free copy of John’s award-winning book, Guide to Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought, visit GuideToSelf.com, enter your email and name and be rewarded with instant access to your own PDF version of the book!

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3. August 2010 by John Schinnerer.

July 30, 2010

Imagine technology that allows you to get inside the mind of a terrorist to know how, when and where the next attack will occur.

That’s not nearly as far-fetched as it seems, according to a new Northwestern University study.
Say, for purposes of illustration, that the chatter about an imminent terrorist attack is mounting, and specifics about the plan emerge, about weapons that will be used, the date of such a dreaded event and its location.

If the new test used by the Northwestern researchers had been used in such a real-world situation with the same type of outcome that occurred in the lab, the study suggests, culpability extracted from the chatter could be confirmed.

In other words, if the test conducted in the Northwestern lab ultimately is employed for such real-world scenarios, the research suggests, law enforcement officials ultimately may be able to confirm details about an attack - date, location, weapon — that emerges from terrorist chatter.

In the Northwestern study, when researchers knew in advance specifics of the planned attacks by the make-believe “terrorists,” they were able to correlate P300 brain waves to guilty knowledge with 100 percent accuracy in the lab, said J. Peter Rosenfeld, professor of psychology in Northwestern’s Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences.

For the first time, the Northwestern researchers used the P300 testing in a mock terrorism scenario in which the subjects are planning, rather than perpetrating, a crime. The P300 brain waves were measured by electrodes attached to the scalp of the make-believe “persons of interest” in the lab.

The most intriguing part of the study in terms of real-word implications, Rosenfeld said, is that even when the researchers had no advance details about mock terrorism plans, the technology was still accurate in identifying critical concealed information.
 

“Without any prior knowledge of the planned crime in our mock terrorism scenarios, we were able to identify 10 out of 12 terrorists and, among them, 20 out of 30 crime- related details,” Rosenfeld said. “The test was 83 percent accurate in predicting concealed knowledge, suggesting that our complex protocol could identify future terrorist activity.”

Rosenfeld is a leading scholar in the study of P300 testing to reveal concealed information. Basically, electrodes are attached to the scalp to record P300 brain activity — or brief electrical patterns in the cortex — that occur, according to the research, when meaningful information is presented to a person with “guilty knowledge.”

Research on the P300 testing emerged in the 1980s as a handful of scientists looked for an alternative to polygraph tests for lie detection. Since it was invented in the 1920s, polygraphy has been under fire, especially by academics, with critics insisting that such testing measures emotion rather than knowledge.

Rosenfeld and Northwestern graduate student John B. Meixner are co-investigators of the study, outlined in a paper titled “A Mock Terrorism Application of the P300-based Concealed Information Test,” published recently in the journal Psychophysiology.

Study participants (29 Northwestern students) planned a mock attack based on information they were given about bombs and other deadly weapons. They then had to write a letter detailing the rationale of their plan to encode the information in memory.

Then, with electrodes attached to their scalps, they looked at a computer display monitor that presented names of stimuli. The names of Boston, Houston, New York, Chicago and Phoenix, for example, were shuffled and presented at random. The city that study participants chose for the major terrorist attack evoked the largest P300 brainwave responses.

The test includes four classes of stimuli known as targets, non-targets, probes and irrelevants. Targets are sights, sounds or other stimuli the person being questioned already knows or is taught to recognize before the test. Probes are stimuli only a guilty suspect would be likely to know. And irrelevants are stimuli unlikely to be recognized.

“Since 9/11 preventing terrorism is a priority,” Rosenfeld said. “Sometimes you catch suspicious people entering a building. You suspect that they’re terrorists, and you have some leads from the chatter. You’ve heard they’re going to attack one city or another in one fashion or another on one date or another. Our hope is that our new complex protocol - different from the first P300 technology developed in the 1980s - will one day confirm such chatter in the real world.”

In the laboratory setting, study participants only had about 30 minutes to learn about the attack and to detail their plans. Thus, Rosenfeld said, encoding of guilty knowledge was relatively shallow. It is assumed that real terrorists rehearse details central to a planned attack repeatedly, leading to deeper encoding of related memories, he said. “We suspect if our test was employed in the real world the deeper encoding of planned crime-related knowledge could further boost detection of terrorist intentions.”

Provided by Northwestern University

The implications of this are far-reaching, disturbing and reassuring simultaneously.

Disturbing since this same procedure, when perfected, can be used with any of us (which is fine along as you’re staying away from involvement in destructive activities, OR activities which arouse guilt in you!).

Reassuring as it will provide a better means of discovering solid leads on imminent attacks by domestic threats. 

Far-reaching because this technology can and likely will be extended far beyond the scope of hunting terrorists. Easy rationalizations can be made to use it to fight drug trafficking and other major clear cut illegal operations. But where does the line get drawn once we get into lesser, gray areas?

Obviously, it will be many years before the technology is accessible and affordable enough to use ubiquitously. However, what about if the IRS uses it around issues of tax evasion? Or the courts use it in child custody evaluations? At what point do our civil liberties get breached?

This will be an ongoing issue as we head into the next decade because, like it or not, it’s coming!

Best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Author of the award-winning Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion & Thought

Guide To Self, Inc.

913 San Ramon Valley Blvd. #280

Danville CA 94526

GuideToSelf.com - Web site

DrJohnBlog.GuideToSelf.com -  Awarded Top3 Blog in Positive Psychology by PostRank, Top 100 Blog by Daily Reviewer

Follow me on Twitter at http://www.Twitter.com/@johnschin  

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17. June 2010 by John Schinnerer.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.
 
My passion is looking for scientifically proven tools to:
 
1)    Turn down the volume on negative emotions (e.g., anger, fear, sadness) and
2)    Turn up the volume on positive emotions (e.g., contentment, joy, love, curiosity, amusement, interest, relaxation, pride)
 
Only in the past few years has the field of psychology recognized
 
1)    The significance of positive emotions
2)    That we can teach sustainable happiness and meaning in life
3)    Why it is critical that we learn to turn up the volume on the positive.
Over the past 100 years, psychology typically asked ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Or ‘What’s your underlying problem?’ This is a mechanistic approach similar to how you would approach a car that is not running properly. What is broken? Identify the broken part. Replace the old part with a new part. We aren’t as simple and straightforward as a car, however.
 
 
In my experience as a speaker, an author, a psychologist, a coach, a person with depression, and a person with social anxiety, I have come to the conclusion that we’re all a bit crazy. And that’s okay. It’s our idiosyncrasies and oddities that make us human and loveable. Besides, I’m not shooting for ‘normal’ and hopefully you aren’t either. I’m aiming for something way beyond normal. I am aiming for purpose, passion, meaning.
 
My goal is to change the emotional landscape for men. I want to change how men view their emotions, to help them understand that emotions are a normal part of life. We all have them. Emotions are not feminine. They are human.
 
And, here’s the most important part. Emotions are manageable. Once we learn to manage them, we become extremely powerful because we are coming from a place of authenticity and passion. Then our message resonates with others at a very deep level. And so we begin to change the world one person at a time – a ripple effect if you will.
 
So let me ask you this…
 
What are you doing now that you are passionate about?
What gets you excited to get out of bed in the morning?
What would you enjoy doing even if you weren’t paid to do it?
What are you really good at that also energizes you?
 
In this day and age, there are no questions which are more important. Research has shown that only a mere 10% of people in the United States are leading thriving, happy, meaningful lives. Think of how much better the country would be if we brought that number up to 20%. We’d have higher productivity, more creativity and innovation, greater employee engagement, better parenting, and a happier place to live.
 
The best news is that research is now being done at top universities around the world to discover exercises that can help us to sustain positive emotions such as happiness, contentment and love. Research has shown that, no matter how old we are, we can change our behaviors, thoughts and feelings. Studies are coming out daily demonstrating ways to discover meaning and passion and strengths.  So let me share some of the wisdom that is coming out lately on happiness and purpose.
 
How do you foster positive emotions?
 
Part of sustaining positive emotions is attitude; part of it is practicing exercises that have been shown to have a positive and lasting impact on your mood.
 
How do you go about changing your attitude to one that is more positive?
 
When you come right down to it, the secret of having it all is loving it all.
Unconditional love is the intentional conscious decision to look for the best in people, other living creatures and any part of nature. Albert Einstein had a brilliant quote, ‘The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or a hostile universe.’ Other people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. By noticing the good in others that surrounds us daily, we can lift up not only ourselves but others as well.
 
1.) Seek Out the Good in Others: Actively look for good traits and noble deeds in other people. Only use positive and supportive language. When you compliment other people, be specific about the behavior you are praising. For example, rather than saying “Nice work,” you might say, “Hey, you did a fantastic job closing the sale with Ace Hardware!” Remind those around you of their unique talents on a daily basis.
 
2.) Become More Aware of Your Internal Tapes: Watch the internal conversations that take place in your head. Challenge every negative thought that you have. Let go of your negative judgments about others AS WELL as yourself. Judgments are deadly. Judgments create negative emotions such as guilt and shame and tear down self-esteem. Judgments are unfair. You can never be aware of the circumstances that have led another person to a particular point in their life. So you are never in a position to judge their actions and decisions.
 
3.) Self-compassion: Go easier on yourself. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings. Picture yourself as a small child. Now picture yourself parenting yourself. Forgive yourself as you would like to have been forgiven as a child. Mistakes are merely learning opportunities. Fail your way to success!
 
4.) Recognize Strengths: Few people have an idea what their strengths are.
Discover your strengths. What do you do well? What are your talents? Once you begin using your strengths every day at work, you will increase the degree to which you are engaged at work. Being engaged in work is similar to being in the ‘zone’ for athletes – you are more satisfied, time flies, creativity flows, and your talents are maximized.
 
Exercises To Help Foster Positive Emotions
 
To begin: Think about what you excel at. Think about the activities where you lose track of your ‘self’. Become more aware of these areas.
 
1.)  Discover Your Dreams:
 
Ask yourself…
 
 What makes me ‘really’ happy? (Go outside of your comfort zone!)
 Why is it important to me?
 How will it serve other people?
 When do I want it to happen?
 What is the first teeny, tiny step I need to take to make it happen?
 
2.) Blessings Exercise:
 
Every night write down 3 things that went well for you that day, even if you have had an awful day. You can still find 3 things that went well. Write them down and then write why they went well. This is a very simple exercise that has been proven to improve your mood on a long-term basis. It is an easy yet powerful way to shift your thinking from focusing on the negative to becoming aware of the positive in your life.
 
The benefits of cultivating more positive emotions are vast: a longer life span, greater success at work, higher quality of relationships, and increased productivity, just to name a few. So get comfortable in your discomfort. Take a chance. Step outside your comfort zone. You’ll be happy you did!
To book Dr. John for a speaking engagement, coaching or training, call now. (925) 944-3440. Or visit the website at http://www.GuideToSelf.com.
 
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Mahatma Gandhi
 
About the Author

Dr. John Schinnerer holds a Ph.D. in educational psychology from U.C. Berkeley. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive, speaker and psychologist for over 12 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches executives to well-being and success. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com. His blog, Shrunken Mind, was recently recognized as #1 in positive psychology on the web by PostRank (http://drjohnblog.guidetoself.com) and as one of the Top 100 blogs on the web by The Daily Reviewer. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a daily prime time radio show, in the SF Bay Area.   Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to anger management, to executive coaching. His offices are in Danville, California.
 

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15. June 2010 by John Schinnerer.

What is a ‘real man’? How do you define a real man?

I spent nearly 12 years quantifying and measuring what goes into a successful person - a great leader, an outstanding executive, a package handler at UPS, an insurance claims adjustor, and many many more. I’ve measured people in terms of extroversion, ethics, physical strength, balance, stamina, values, emotional management skills, flexibility of thought, and intelligence to name a few.

So my question is - 

Which ’ingredients’ go in to make up a real man? 

What talents, skills, abilities, and traits exist in a ‘real man’? Which ones are necessary and which ones are preferrable but not required?

So here is my first attempt at defining a real man…

Physical Strength

A real man should be in good physical shape. However, it’s not a deal breaker if he’s not. I can conceive of a real man who is overweight and out of shape yet due to his awe-inspiring heart, soul and mind could still be called a real man.

A real man must be more than mere physical strength. Physical strength alone is too simplistic.

Ideally, physical well-being is a part of a real man.  Yet, this is slightly different from physical strength. A real man should be wise enough to know the value of taking good care of his physical body. This means he eats relatively healthily, does some form of exercise, performs some sort of stretching as in yoga, and refrains from harmful substances. Dan Millman refers to the components of an elite athlete as suppleness, strength, stamina and balance. These would all be involved in a real man’s physical well-being, albeit not at the level of a superstar athlete.

However, physical strength is not necessary for a real man. For example, as men age, physical health, strength and balance may become compromised. Yet, there are many men in their 80s and 90s whom I wouldn’t think to exclude from the category ‘real men’ such as Clint Eastwood.

Values

One of the greatest distinguishing characteristics of real men is clarity of values. Real men know what their top values are and have great insight into why they hold those values. An example of a man of value is Albert Einstein. One of my favorite quotes is from him - ’Try not to be a man of success but rather try to be a man of value.’

Clarity of values allows real men to act in a way that is in keeping with their values which leads to the next ‘real man’ characteristic…

Authenticity

Authenticity is merely acting in accordance with one’s stated values. The difficult part comes when temptation or negative emotion threatens to take over and lead to wrong action - action that is NOT in keeping with stated values.  Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. are two paragons of authenticiy that come to mind. 

Emotional management

One of the epiphanies I’ve had in the past few years is that ‘cool’ is closely related to extremely good emotional management skills. Those men who can keep stay calm when everyone around them is losing their mind, as in an emergency, are ‘cool’ and are much more likely to be seen as ‘real men’. My 13-year-old son does an outstanding job staying cool in emergency situations.

When my youngest daughter was a toddler, she would have ’spells’ where she would get upset, cry, pass out and stop breathing for up to 2 minutes. Scariest damn thing you’ve ever seen. We called the paramedics to the house several times, took her to MDs and specialists. No one could really help except to say, ‘If it happens again, call 911 or rush her down here to our office.’  So we adapted. We learned that the best thing to do was to stay calm in a life-and-death situation, hold her, speak to her gently and encourage her to ‘come back’ and eventually she would snap out of it.

At her 2nd birthday party, my daughter is sitting at the table with her dwarven two-year old friends sitting impatiently waiting for chocolate cake. Their mothers were hovering around the table trying to instill order amidst the chaos. I went out to get napkins. My wife ran upstairs to get the candles. My 13-year-old (who was 10 at the time) was beside my daughter kindly chatting with her about how fun it will be to blow out candles. And then it happened…Molly got over excited, slumped over in her chair and stopped breathing.  Before she could hit the table, my son scooped her up, held her and started talking to her while asking the mothers where his mom was.

When they saw what was taking place, all of the mothers FREAKED OUT! They were screaming and running and tripping over each other. And through it all, my son remained calm, bouncing my daughter gently, talking to her, urging her to come on back and rejoin the party.

My wife and I raced in the kitchen due to the commotion. By the time we’d returned, however, my son had rallied my 2 year old daughter from her black out. That is emotional management. That is staying cool. I’m proud to say he is well on his way to becoming a ‘real man’.

Courage 

The ability to get past one’s own fear is a hallmark of a real man. We are all afraid at times. The real man has the capacity to recognize fear for what it is - a paper-thin illusion of a feeling - and act properly despite his fear.

A Sense of Joy

A real man has a sense of joy and purpose in his life. He knows what he wants to do and why. He has a reason to jump out of bed in the morning with excitement and anticipation. For this is the fuel that allows him to exert his impact on the world. This is what enables him to change the world for the better. What’s more, it causes other people to want to be around him, to want to follow him, to want to listen to his message.

What other attributes would you include in the mix?

Flexibility of thought?

Intelligence? If so, what about those who are mentally challenged?

How about the ability to care and nurture others?

I’d love to hear your comments. Feel free to share your thoughts on the matter below!

Have an incredible week! Blow their doors off out there!

All the best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Real Men, Real Heart, Real Soul, Real Mind

Author of the award-winning Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion & Thought

Guide To Self, Inc.

Danville CA 94526

GuideToSelf.com - Web site

DrJohnBlog.GuideToSelf.com -  Awarded #1 Blog in Positive Psychology by PostRank, Top 100 Blog by Daily Reviewer

@johnschin - Twitter

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