One-Liner Jokes To Increase Your Smiles Per Day

Some Quick Jokes

 

The pollution is so bad that when I put air in my tires, two of them died.’ Lee Tully

 

 

‘I was thrown out of NYU. On the metaphysics final I looked w/in the soul of the boy sitting next to me.’ Woody Allen

 

 

My dog is half Labrador, half pit bull. Great dog. Sure, he might bite off my leg , but he’ll bring it back to me.

 

 

When dogs laugh, they laugh with their tails. What puts humans at a higher state of evolution is that we got our laugh at the right end!

 

 

My sister had a sick hamster. She took it to the vet – that’s like taking a disposable lighter in for repairs. (a la Wayne Cotter)

 

 

‘Don’t let the elephants watch the rabbits!” Noah’s wife

 

 

My grandpa got thrown out of a mime show for having a seizure. They thought he was heckling!

 

 

Bumper sticker humor… Don’t get even. Get ODD!

 

 

Bumper sticker humor … Reality is 4 people who have no imagination.

 

 

I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.

 

— Thomas Paine (1737-1809)

 

Have a thriving Thursday!

 

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Danville, CA 94526

www.GuideToSelf.com

 

The Psychologist and the Genie – Psychology Humor

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him. “For your kindness,” the genie said, “I will grant you one wish!” The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, “I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California.”The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, “Listen, I’m sorry, but I can’t do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they’d have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That’s too much to ask.”“OK,” the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. “I’m a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!”

The genie paused, and then sighed, “Did you want two lanes or four?”

Reminder: Laugh easily. Laughter opens you up to new ideas, new ways of thinking and new solutions to problems.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive psychology coach

San Ramon Danville Alamo CA

Two Quick Jokes

Psycho Humor 

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

The Bill from the Vet

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too.”

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests.”