28. July 2010 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

People who apologize more earn higher salaries. That is the finding of a study done by Zogby International.

Zogby was asked by their client, The Pearl Outlet, to find out more about customers who were buying pearls as a way of apologizing. Apparently, customers were buying pearls for spouses, lovers, or significant others as a way to say “I’m sorry.”

Zogby polled nearly 8,000 men and women in the united States and what they discovered was staggering — people who sincerely apologize make more money.

Apology Numbers…

Individuals who make over $100,000 per year are almost two times as likely to say “I’m sorry” following a mistake or a disagreement than those who make $25,000 or less.

92% of those who earn more than $100,000 apologize when they feel they are at fault.

89% of individual who make between $100,000 and $75,000 are more likely to apologize after a mistake or argument

84% of those who earn between $75,000 and $50,000 report a willingness to apologize.

74% of those who make between $50,000 and $25,000 apologize readily

And only 52% of those who make less than $25,000 are open to apologizing regularly. 

It’s a near perfect predictor of how much money people make. This is a rarity - a strong relationship between income and human behavior.

So what does it mean?

The willingness to apologize is an indication of emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, which we know to be associated with leadership and executive performance.

What’s more, the relationship between asking for forgiveness and income indicates that highly successful individuals are open to making mistakes and learning from those mistakes. Successful people are willing to break some eggs to make an omelet.

The extension of this is that successful people are more likely to ask for forgiveness than for permission. They are willing to take calculated risks which have a high probability of paying off in the future.

The other possible interpretation is that successful individuals are more comfortable in who they are, more self-assured, and thus, are less likely to get defensive when things go badly. They are strong enough to take the blame when they are wrong while realizing that they will persevere despite adverse circumstances.

If you want to read more about learning how to apologize and forgive, visit the articles section at www.GuideToSelf.com.

Latest news! There is a new Guide To Self Video Blog on free anger management classes by John at http://drjohnsblog.wordpress.com. Sign up for details and emails at the home page http://www.GuideToSelf.com.

About John Schinnerer Ph.D.

John Schinnerer is in private practice helping people learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps clients discover optimal human functioning via positive psychology. His offices are in Danville, California. He graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. John has been an executive, speaker and psychologist for over 10 years. He is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches executives to happiness and success using the latest in positive psychology. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a daily prime time radio show, in the SF Bay Area.  His areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to anger management, to executive coaching. He wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com. His blog, Shrunken Mind, was recently recognized as one of the top 3 in positive psychology on the web (http://drjohnblog.guidetoself.com).

Posted in Alamo CA, Optimal Human Functioning, Executive coach, San Ramon CA, Well-being, De-escalating anger, Apologies, Anger management therapy, Happiness and Income, Emotion & productivity, Danville CA, Guide to Self, Life coach, Dr. John Schinnerer, Forgiveness, Tips to help anxiety, Emotional management, Relationships, Organizational psychology, Men's emotions, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

27. July 2010 by John Schinnerer.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.
Guide To Self, Inc.

Have you ever been yelled at, screamed at, while at work? Doesn’t it suck? It can put you into an emotional tailspin for the rest of the day.

 So what’s the best way to handle it when the irritation of a coworker begins to escalate into rage?

The ability to de-escalate the anger of others is a critical political and emotional ability necessary for long-term success. As an executive coach and speaker, I have seen and heard about anger taking on a life of its own, damaging relationships and overturning promising careers. While we do our best to act the part of rational, reasonable business people, the truth is that we are also emotional. And we don’t always have control over the emotional mind. The essential trick is to learn skills to manage your emotional mind and the emotions of others around you. This leads to unbelievable, unshakeable power and ultimately, greater success. 

The Emotional vs. Rational Brain

The emotional brain (primarily the limbic system) has been in existence in human beings for 3 to 10 million years. On the other hand, the rational brain (the cortex) has only been around for roughly 50,000 to 1 million years.

The emotional brain has been through countless revisions and is nearly perfect in its ability to keep humans safe and act as a general guidance system (approach vs. avoidance). The emotional brain has the ability to take over the rational brain when someone comes between you and your goal (leading to anger) or when danger is sensed (leading to fear).

The rational brain is still in the earliest stages of revision on an evolutionary scale. It is prone to mistakes in thinking, and can be overpowered by the emotional brain in a matter of .33 seconds.

All of us are simultaneously rational and emotional. So anger is inevitable when you have groups of people who care passionately about their companies, their jobs and a wide assortment of individual, team and corporate goals. As goals come into conflict with others, anger is bound to result.

Anger exists on a spectrum. Think of the intensity of anger along a 1 – 10 scale where 1 is calm and 10 is enraged.

Top Ways to Defuse Anger at Work

1. The first step to take when someone is angry with you is to do a body scan. This is simply a mental scan of your body to monitor your own anger level. If your anger gets above a 5 on the anger scale, tell the person that you are getting upset and ask them to continue the conversation later (after you’ve calmed down). In my work helping executives with anger, I’ve found that anytime you get above a 5 on the anger scale, hurtful words are spoken and destructive acts are committed. It becomes highly difficult to manage yourself when your anger level is above a 5. And it becomes nearly impossible to help another person manage his or her anger if your anger spikes.

2. Be aware that anger is one strategy that people use to get their own needs met. I call the use of destructive emotions to get what one wants ‘emotional bullying.’ Keep that phrase in your mind and see if emotional bullying is taking place in your situation. If so, calmly state to the other person that they cannot use emotions to get what they want.  Or you can choose to tell them that you are happy to speak about the situation further when they have calmed down.

3. Take a deep breath. Studies show that focused breathing reduces the intensity of negative emotions such as anger, anxiety and resentment. Negative emotions lock the body into certain patterns of movement and thinking. For instance, anger locks you into shallow breathing, tightened muscles, and thoughts which reinforce the anger. Deep breathing into your belly is the most important step in unlocking anger.

4. Avoid criticizing or blaming the angry person. Criticism, blame and judgment are highly likely to heighten the intensity of the anger.

5. Look for common ground between your experiences and the focus of their anger. There is usually a kernel of truth in angry statements, even if it is a tiny kernel. Your job is to seek out that truth and magnify it. If you can relate to their experience, let them know, ‘If I put myself in your shoes, I’d be angry too. Let me see what I can do to help you make this situation better.’

6. Tune in to the early warning signs. These can tip you off that a coworker is getting progressively angry. It’s powerful to know someone is ready to blow their top before they actually lose their temper.  There are physiological indicators of anger for which you can be on the lookout. These include clenched jaw, furrowed brow, upper lip curled up on one side (disgust), muscle tension, narrowed eyes and shallow breathing. Beyond that, you can look for deviations from typical behavior patterns. For instance, when a coworker who is usually boisterous and outgoing turns silent and withdraws, it may be a red flag for anger. When you notice such changes in people, simply call attention to them gently to diffuse them before they erupt. For instance, ‘Hey Jan, I notice you have become quiet all of a sudden. What’s going on for you?’ or ‘Bob, you seem to have an irritated look on your face. Is there anything we may have missed?’

7. If you cannot prevent the angry party from exploding in rage, there are several approaches of which you will want to be practiced. This includes active listening, apologizing, acknowledging their feelings, and offering to make an attempt to rectify the situation.

8. Active listening is the process of genuinely and sincerely attempting to truly hear what it is the angry party is trying to convey. It involves listening at several different levels simultaneously including

a. the text (interpreting the words they are speaking to you),

b. the subtext (what is not being said yet is still part of the problem),

c. the emotional (which emotions are involved in the anger such as resentment, disappointment, fear, sadness, contempt, disgust and more)

d. the physical (the body language of the angry individual, how agitated are they, how tightly are they holding their hands, how contorted are their facial expressions, etc.)

9. Attempt an apology if you feel one is warranted or appropriate. Apologies consist of five parts. First, you want to sincerely admit to the wrong doing (assuming you or your company made a mistake). ‘I know that I made an error when I filed the report with mistakes in it.’ Second, you want to apologize, ‘I apologize.’ Third, you want to ask what you can do to make things right. Ask them, ‘Do you have any constructive criticism for me?’ Fourth, let the other party know that you will behave differently next time. ‘Next time, I will make sure there are no errors in the report before I file it.’ Finally, ask for their forgiveness. ‘Will you forgive me for filing the report with errors?’

10. Acknowledge their feelings. Help the angry party feel heard. Say something along the lines of ‘I think I understand how you feel. You are very upset. I hear you. Your anger makes complete sense to me. What can I do to help?’

11. Attempts to reason with angry individuals are likely to fall on deaf ears. When anger gets intense, the emotional mind is firmly in control of the angry person and little if any information gets in. The exception to this is information that reinforces their anger. This sort of info will get in, will be focused on and will be magnified.

12. Act with compassion. Compassion is empathy, the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes. The goal is to understand the situation from the perspective of the other person. The better you get at this learnable skill, the easier it is to unlock their anger.

13. In some instances, these de-escalation skills will not be enough to defuse a rage. You always want to be aware when dealing with angry individuals that they may not be thinking completely rationally. As a result, you want to ensure your own safety. This means you must be mindful of an escape route should things take a turn for the worse and become violent or abusive. Make sure the angry party is not blocking your path to the door or a window.  Keep this in mind if the conversation escalates and slowly, calmly work your way towards a better escape route. If the situation escalates to a point where you feel it is out of control, do not hesitate to call the police to ensure your safety.

14. Learning proven methods to stay calm in emotionally charged situations is critical in business.  Meeting anger with anger is usually a recipe for turning irritation into a full blown rage.

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About the Author

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping people learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps clients discover optimal human functioning via positive psychology. His offices are in Danville, California. He graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive, speaker and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches executives to happiness and success using the latest in positive psychology. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a daily prime time radio show, in the SF Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to anger management, to executive coaching. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com. His blog, Shrunken Mind, was recently recognized as one of the top 3 in positive psychology on the web (http://drjohnblog.guidetoself.com).

Posted in Emotion & productivity, Corporate Culture, Danville CA, National speakers, Organizational psychology, Violence and abuse, Executive coach, Anger management therapy, Real Men Real Emotion, De-escalating anger, San Francisco Bay Area, Men's emotions, Alexithymia, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Business & psych, Staying calm, Victims of bullying, Anger Management, Managing Anxiety, Emotional management, Depression, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

10. June 2010 by John Schinnerer.

If you’ve been following my blog, Shrunken Mind, you’re aware of the vast power of the unconscious mind - that part of the mind which I refer to as the ‘back office’ of the mind. In the ‘back office’, activites take place that are automatic, uncontrolled and outside of your conscious awareness. Despite this, the workings of the unconscious mind have a profound effect on the consious mind and on your behavior. In science, we’ve been working on figuring this out over the past 20 years with the help of fMRIs and MRIs.

There are a few areas of expertise that continually seem to be at the cutting edge of this area of expertise - sales and marketing. Up until recently this has only been of some concern to me, as I stay on the bleeding edge of the area and can afford some awareness and protection to myself, my family and my clients.

However, a new study came out this week which caused me great concern. Check out the snippet from the article from New Scientist and see if you agree.

‘Unconscious purchasing urges revealed by brain scans

 15:56 09 June 2010 by Ewen Callaway   You spend more time window shopping than you may realise. Whether someone intends to buy a product or not can be predicted from their brain activity – even when they are not consciously pondering their choices.The ability to predict from brain scans alone what a person intends to buy, while leaving the potential buyer none the wiser, could bring much-needed rigour to efforts to meld marketing and neuroscience, says Brian Knutson, a neuroscientist at Stanford University in California who was not involved in the research.Neuromarketing, as this field is known, has been employed by drug firms, Hollywood studios and even the Campbell Soup Company to sell their wares, despite little published proof of its effectiveness.

Rather than soup, John-Dylan Haynes at the Bernstein Center for Computational Neuroscience in Berlin, Germany, attempted to predict which cars people might unconsciously favour. To do so, he and colleague Anita Tusche used functional MRI to scan the brains of two groups of male volunteers, aged 24 to 32, while they were presented with images of a variety of cars.One group was asked to rate their impressions of the vehicles, while the second performed a distracting visual task while cars were presented in the background. Each volunteer was then shown three cars and asked which they would prefer to buy.

First impressions

The researchers found that when volunteers first viewed the car that they would subsequently “buy”, specific patterns of brain activity could be seen in the brain’s medial prefrontal and insula cortices – areas that are all associated with preferences and emotion.These patterns of activity reflected the volunteers’ subsequent purchasing choice nearly three-quarters of the time, whether or not the subjects had given their undivided attention to the images of the cars when they were first shown them.Previous studies have shown similar patterns of activity when we make explicit purchasing choices. What this new study suggests is that these brain regions size up products even when we are not consciously making purchasing decisions. The brain appears to be imparting automatic or possibly even unconscious value onto products, as soon as you’re exposed to them, says Haynes.

Secret desires

While Knutson acknowledges that the volunteers’ choices might have been different if they had been making a real decision about which car to buy, he reckons the study may still be of use to neuromarketers – specifically as a subjective way of determining whether a consumer might buy a product or not, without having to be explicitly asked.’

For the full article, click here.

In the past, I’ve been involved in some neuromarketing and emotion studies with large health care providers and consumer goods manufacturers. At the time, it was fascinating, compelling and educational. The more I get to know about it, the more concerned I become. TV commercials, billboards, radio spots and magazine ads already have sufficient influence over our minds to make me highly uncomfortable. My unease is only reinforced by the piles of studies showing how Madison Avenue is influencing the ‘back office’ of our minds.

To protect yourself and your families, my best suggestion is pause the TV during commercials and skip over them if you have TIVO (or the equivalent. Even if you have TIVO, studies have shown the brain recognizes roughly 30% of the content of TV ads even when you are skipping through the commercials at high speed!

If you don’t, at least mute the radio or TV during commercials. From what we know in science, the brain is malleable like a lump of clay. And these commercials leave tracks in the brain like running a finger tip through wet clay. The more you are exposed, the deeper the groove becomes in the clay (your brain) and the more influence they have over you. Don’t let your children mindlessly watch tv commercials.

Your brain is impressionable. Guard it. Be mindful.

All the best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Teaching Real Men Real Emotions

Guide To Self, Inc.

Award-winning author

Award-winning blogger

Keynote speaker

Posted in Visual Attention, Unsconscious mind, Subliminal messages, Danville CA, Brain plasticity, Visual perception, Neuromarketing, Real Men Real Emotion, Well-being, San Francisco Bay Area, National speakers, Awareness, Innovative brand research, Emotional IQ, Dr. John Schinnerer, Measuring emotions, Chief Marketing Officer, Brand Equity, Mindfulness, Organizational psychology, Subconscious mind, Consciousness, Business & psych | Print | No Comments »

2. June 2010 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Almost everyone includes happiness, well-being and success at the top when it comes to lifetime goals. Everyone wants well-being, but few know how to develop it. Recently, Deepak Chopra, a Senior Scientist at the Gallup Organization, presented results of a fantastic new study that reveals the commonalities among people who are in the top 10% of well-being, success and happiness. The study looked at individuals across the globe to eliminate any cross cultural confusion. Findings indicate that the more satisfied you are in each of these key areas, the better your life will be.

Five Secrets to Incredible Well-Being

1. Accomplishment 
    
a. Career. To what extent do you love your work? Does your job give you the
opportunity to use your strengths on a daily basis? A mere 20% of the workforce
reports being happy with their job. To increase your career well-being, identify
what your strengths are using a tool such as the Realise-2 or Gallup’s Strengths
Finder. Then, mindfully, do a task each day which relies on one of your top
strengths. Also, start to use a vocabulary of strengths (instead of weaknesses)
within your workplace.     
b. Financial. While money doesn’t necessarily buy happiness, it does help. It is
particularly helpful to eliminate the chronic stress of debt. Living debt free
is helpful in increasing your financial well-being. If you are not currently
debt free, make it a goal to become so. The other piece to financial well-being
is the understanding that spending your money on experiences (e.g., movies,
skiing, amusement park) is more satisfying than spending money on material goods
(e.g., new TV, sofa, clothes, etc.).

Posted in Emotion & productivity, International Wellbeing Study, Danville CA, National speakers, Resiliency, Hope, Employee engagement, Executive coach, Well-being, Executive leadership, San Francisco Bay Area, Awe & Elevation, Optimal Human Functioning, Alamo CA, Organizational psychology, Men's emotions, Guide to Self, Emotional IQ, Life coach, Dr. John Schinnerer, Business & psych, Managing stress, Organizational change initiatives, Anxiety, Managing Sadness, Alexithymia, Anger Management, Managing Anxiety, Happiness, Emotional management, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

26. May 2010 by John Schinnerer.

This is an small cut from a conversation between Martin Seligman and the Dalai Lama. It took place in Sydney, Australia in December 2009…

‘So people said to me you want to work on happiness? And I said ‘no, not exactly’—happiness has become over the centuries something that has very different meanings for different people and was scientifically unwieldy. And so we break into four different disciplines in positive psychology.

So the first is about happiness, it’s the study of positive emotion and so for example people interested in this look at the most catastrophic thoughts that people say when bad events happen, and how to find a realistic perspective on catastrophic thoughts. So we teach people to argue against the catastrophic and to see good possibilities; so one field is positive emotion.

The second field is meaning. Human beings ineluctably want to be part of something bigger than they are, to belong to and serve something bigger than they are. So we asked people to identify their highest strengths, their highest virtues… humour, fairness, kindness and to learn to use them more particularly in difficult tasks and to use them to be part of something larger than they are.

The third discipline that people in positive psychology work on is positive relationships, how to get along better with people. And so for example there have actually been discoveries that I didn’t know ten years ago in this area in which, if you tell me something in traditional marital therapy, what you do is you teach people to argue better with each other. So you’re trying to change insufferable marriages into being barely tolerable! But in positive psychology we teach people to celebrate together rather when something good happens. If you tell me something enormously good that happened to you the technique not of being destructive about it but of getting you to relive it and to elaborate it. So, the third discipline is positive relationships.

And the fourth discipline is positive accomplishment—mastery, competence, achievement—and so we look for example of high grit, people who never give up, people with high self control and we ask ‘how do you build that?’

So those are the four things that positive psychologists do and work on. If you teach people early in life techniques of positive emotion, of engagement, of meaning, of good relationships, of accomplishment, can you prevent many of the ills of life; depression, anxiety, anger.’

-       Martin Seligman

If you want more on this topic, visit this link:   http://www.abc.net.au/rn/allinthemind/stories/2009/2766891.htm 

Have a wonderful week!

John Schinnerer Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Danville CA

If you interested in a twelve week course on the latest in cultivating positive emotions, please send me an email at Info@GuideToSelf.com. I am looking at developing a weekly, web-based coaching course where you can view hour long presentations inthe convenience of your own home for $47 per week. Compared to the rate clients pay me hourly, this is a huge savings.

Posted in National speakers, Emotion & learning, Danville CA, Emotion & productivity, Science of love, Curiosity, Assertiveness, Hope, Gratitude, International Wellbeing Study, Corporate Culture, San Francisco Bay Area, Well-being, Values and ethics, Executive leadership, Awe & Elevation, Self-compassion, Executive coach, Meaning-making, Optimal Human Functioning, Mindfulness, Altruism, Dr. John Schinnerer, Creativity, Life coach, Guide to Self, Measuring emotions, Managing stress, Forgiveness, Business & psych, Realistic optimism, Happiness, Morals and values, The human brain, Organizational psychology, Relationships, Resiliency, Men's emotions, Anger Management, Emotional mind, Emotional management, Managing Anxiety, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »