How to Transform Your Outlook from Pessimistic to Realistically Optimistic - Positive Psychology

12. March 2010 by John Schinnerer.

I received an email today from a highly qualified individual who works with adolescents. She asked how I changed my own temperament from pessimistic to optimistic.

 

Here is her email…

 

Hi John - Hope I am not a nuisance. I would like to follow up to the email I sent last night with some thoughts I had overnight. Since you don’t know me at all(!) and you may be uncomfortable responding, I thought I would share just to let you know I do have some credentials for doing what I do - I have a Masters in Counseling/Sport Psych, certifications in hypnotherapy/neuro-linguistic psych/life coach, and a Gallup University Strengths Performance certification. I have been a NCAA Tennis coach as well. I’ve been working with young adults and professionals on tour for fifteen years.

 

More importantly - I am wondering how you transformed your outlook from black to white…I read that it was a conscious decision, attitude is a choice, however many individuals (mainly kids) are not strong enough to do this movement from bleak to bright (of course so they say… however are very resilient so the corollary should apply! may be excuse too as it takes hard work). What did you do daily to see and feel the glass half full?

 

Thanks for your attention and consideration of responding. Think positive as you never know when something like this could lead to a speaking engagement across country!

 

Best

 

Jeanne

 

And here is my response…

 

Dear Jeanne:

 

No nuisance at all. A pleasure.

 

The primary ways that I have altered my own temperament overlaps with the exercises that I share with others …Forgiveness a la Fred Luskin, Gratitude a la Robert Emmons, Mindfulness a la Jon Kabat-Zinn, Curiosity a la Todd Kashdan, Resiliency via Bonnie Bernard at WestEd, self-compassion via Duke University,  identifying strengths, values, purpose and meaning (Chris Peterson, Martin Seligman, William Damon), and then a large amount of time spent on awareness of and tools to manage emotions – both mitigating ‘negative’ emotions and fostering ‘positive’ emotions. The biggest help, I believe, came from the notion of radical acceptance of emotions and thoughts that comes with the practice of mindfulness.

 

This combined approach has been immensely helpful to numerous clients, in particular adolescent males.  Most of the men I see come in with complaints of depression, anger, irritability, anxiety and/or lack of purpose. I’m continually amazed at the results that clients achieve after learning and applying these tools. 

 

To keep younger folks engaged in the process, I often insert rewarding breaks such as short clips of stand up comics (laughter open us up to new learning), BMX trick riding videos (facilitates awe), and so on. I also reveal a lot of my past to clients to a) normalize their current situation and b) make the dynamic more of a two-way relationship. I believe it is difficult and unnatural to ask an adolescent male to come into an office and spill their stories to a stranger.  To improve upon the traditional therapeutic model, I often tell young men that they don’t even need to speak in the first session if they so choose. The simple act of giving them the choice and the power over how much to divulge and how quickly empowers them and makes them feel comfortable.  And we know that  roughly ½ of positive emotions have a prerequisite of feeling safe and comfortable before one has a chance of experiencing them.

 

I think Positive Psychology is necessary but insufficient to get many to a happier, more meaningful place in the sense that negative emotions are ‘stronger’ than positive ones. So the best bang for the buck in terms of increasing life satisfaction comes from teaching others to turn down the volume on the major negative emotions (anger, fear, sadness). This idea was well laid out in a recent paper by Todd Kashdan.

 

However, it’s also useful and necessary to teach people to identify and foster positive emotions as we are oftentimes unaware of many of them and they pass us by quickly. We know the positive emotions are fragile and fleeting so we need to train ourselves to be mindful of opportunities for the cultivation of positive emotions.

 

And of course, there are the more common sense interventions as well – proper diet, adequate exercise, hanging out with supportive, nonjudgmental people and appropriate assertiveness (to nip festering irritation before it escalates to anger or rage).

 

I hope that is helpful.

 

Feel free to email back!

 

All the best,

 

John

 

 

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Author of the award-winning book Guide To Self:

The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion & Thought

Guide To Self, Inc.

913 San Ramon Valley Blvd. #280

Danville CA 94526

(925) 575-0258

GuideToSelf.com - Web site

DrJohnBlog.GuideToSelf.com - Award-winning Blog

@johnschin - Twitter

 

 

 

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What’s Coming Next With Well-Being Per Daniel Kahneman

9. March 2010 by John Schinnerer.

The Well-Being Explosion and What’s Next

Nobel Prize-winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman states that increasing interest in life satisfaction and well-being is reaching critical mass throughout the world now that economists are involved with measuring Gross Domestic Happiness (GDH) and other key metrics. In a clip from Gallup’s series, “Next Steps: Transforming Americans’ Health and Well-Being,” Kahneman looks at why the study of emotions is likely to be the future of well-being research.

 

 http://www.gallup.com/video/123914/Well-Being-Explosion-Whats-Next.aspx

 

It’s a fantastic, uplifting feeling to know that the rest of the world might be beginning to realize the importance of the work on which I’ve been spending the past 15 years of my life. Ever since 1995, I’ve been studying, practicing and teaching the best scientifically-proven methods to alleviate destructive emotions (e.g., fear, anger, sadness) and cultivate more constructive emotions (e.g., awe, pride, love, contentment, curiosity, and more). I’ve written award winning book (Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought), spoken to tens of thousands of people and done a daily prime time radio show. It is so rewarding to think that some folks might be understanding the power, importance and ubiquity of emotions.

 

I’ll check in with you soon!

 

All the best,

John

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Guide To Self, Inc.

http://www.guidetoself.com 

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Teen Stress Connected To Depression And Obesity Recent Penn State Study

4. March 2010 by John Schinnerer.

This past weekend, I presented at a Parenting Conference on Strengths-Based Approaches to parenting. At the conference, a new film, The Race to Nowhere, was screened.The movie brought up a number of pertinent issues regarding the educational system in the United States…

 

 

The creation of high degrees of chronic stress in all ages of students (but not all students) due to excessive homework demands.

 

The excessive homework load seems to be largely due to curriculum which has been pushed down to lower and lower grade, often to the point where the academic requirements are mismatched with the developmental stage of the student.

 

The well being and happiness of students are not considered relevant in the current educational system.

 

The current system puts students into a constant forward-looking race to get to the next stage of education. For instance, sixth graders are looking at which foreign language classes to take to get into college; 7th & 8th graders are focused on what to do now to get into the advanced track classes in high school; many high school students are continually focused on what they can do in terms of extracurriculars and AP grades to get into the ‘right’ colleges.

 

Once in college, students are finding they never learned how to think critically on their own. Rather they were taught to regurgitate facts to do well on standardized tests which assess only a fraction of the whole child’s abilities and skills. 

 

At some point, many of these students are running headlong into a period of purposelessness and some are even dropping out of college due to depression, anxiety and hopelessness. If you are interested in finding out more about the movie, check out their site at RaceToNowhere.com.

 

 

Today, I came across a new study out of Penn State which shows a link between adolescent stress, depression and obesity. Below is a review on the study borrowed from a fantastic psychology site PsychCentral.com.

 

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on February 25, 2010

 

Obesity is a disturbing worldwide trend. In fact, researchers say the effects are so pervasive that unless the issue is controlled, children born today will not live longer than their parents.

A new research finding provides insight on how a mental health issue may trigger obesity among adolescents. In the study, researchers discovered depression raises stress hormone levels in adolescent boys and girls. And, among girls, the stress hormones may lead to obesity.

Accordingly, early treatment of depression could help reduce stress and control obesity.

[snip]

Cortisol, a hormone, regulates various metabolic functions in the body and is released as a reaction to stress. Researchers have long known that depression and cortisol are related to obesity, but they had not figured out the exact biological mechanism.

Although it is not clear why high cortisol reactions translate into obesity only for girls, scientists believe it may be due to physiological and behavioral differences (in girls, estrogen release and stress eating) in the way the two genders cope with anxiety.

“The implications are to start treating depression early because we know that depression, cortisol and obesity are related in adults,” said Susman.

If depression were to be treated earlier, she noted, it could help reduce the level of cortisol, and thereby help reduce obesity.

“We know stress is a critical factor in many mental and physical health problems,” said Susman.

“We are putting together the biology of stress, emotions and a clinical disorder to better understand a major public health problem.”

Susman and her colleagues Lorah D. Dorn, professor of pediatrics, Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, and Samantha Dockray, postdoctoral fellow, University College London, used a child behavior checklist to assess 111 boys and girls ages 8 to 13 for symptoms of depression.

Next they measured the children’s obesity and the level of cortisol in their saliva before and after various stress tests.

[snip]

Statistical analyses of the data suggest that depression is associated with spikes in cortisol levels for boys and girls after the stress tests, but higher cortisol reactions to stress are associated with obesity only in girls. The team reported its findings in a recent issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health.

“In these children, it was mainly the peak in cortisol that was related to obesity,” Susman explained. “It was how they reacted to an immediate stress.”

Source: Penn State University

For full article, click here.

Have a wonderful and stress-free week!

All the best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Author of the award-winning book Guide To Self:

The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion & Thought Guide To Self, Inc.

913 San Ramon Valley Blvd. #280

Danville CA 94526

(925) 575-0258

GuideToSelf.com - Web site

DrJohnBlog.GuideToSelf.com - Award-winning Blog

@johnschin - Twitter

 

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Dr. Dave Van Nuys Interviews John Schinnerer, Ph.D. on Shrink Rap Radio - transcript

20. February 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Shrink Rap Radio #228, January 10, 2010, Positive Psychology Coaching

David Van Nuys, Ph.D., aka ‘Dr. Dave’ interviews John Schinnerer

(Transcribed from www.ShrinkRapRadio.com by Virl Seribo)

 

Excerpt: I don’t know how much listeners know about positive psychology in general, but basically it’s not a self help movement, it’s not a fad.  It is a new branch of science based on a mountain of research into how and when people function at their very best.  And I think at last count, maybe a year or two ago, there were about 50,000 peer reviewed studies that are looking at what make people function optimally.  And to me, that’s what really separates it from, you know, Tony Robbins, or Marianne Williamson, and The Secret.  It’s not those things.  It’s grounded in science and it’s a change after roughly 100 years in the medical profession from what is wrong with us to what is right with us.

 

Introduction: That was the voice of my guest, Dr. John Schinnerer, who uses Positive Psychology as the underlying framework in his personal coaching practice.  John Schinnerer PhD is in private practice helping individuals learn happiness by mitigating destructive emotions and fostering constructive emotions.  Using positive psychology, he helps clients achieve happy, thriving, meaningful lives.  He graduated summa cum laude from the University of California-Berkeley with a PhD in Educational Psychology.  Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 12 years.  He’s president and founder of Guide to Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, emotional management, mindfulness, and attentional control.  He’s hosted over 200 episodes of Guide to Self Radio, a primetime radio show on positive psychology in the San Francisco bay area.  Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development to sports psychology.  He wrote the award winning Guide to Self: The Beginners Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought, which is available at Amazon.com and other online book sellers.  And he’s currently collaborating with the University of New Zealand in a longitudinal positive psychology study, called The International Well Being Study.  You can send Dr. Schinnerer an email via john@guidetoself.com.  Now, here’s the interview…

 

For the entire interview, please click here to go to ShrinkRapRadio.com.

 

Have a fantastic weekend!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

San Francisco Bay Area, California< -->

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Men Feel Too Little Guilt, Have Too Little Emotional Sensitivity Compared to Women Says New Study

27. January 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Reprinted from PsychCentral.com

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on January 26, 2010

 

Perrhaps a new finding is not a surprise to the millions who are following the Tiger Woods fiasco, but despite the rise in power and accomplishments of women, a research study from Spain finds men display less guilt and lower levels of sensitivity than women.

In the study, researchers discovered feelings of guilt are “significantly higher” among women. However, they determined the main problem is not that women feel a lot of guilt (which they do), but rather that many males feel “too little.”

“Our initial hypothesis was that feelings of guilt are more intense among females, not only among adolescents but also among young and adult women, and they also show the highest scores for interpersonal sensitivity,” Itziar Etxebarria, lead author of the study and a researcher at the University of the Basque Country (UPV/EHU) said.

The research, published in the Spanish Journal of Psychology, was carried out using a sample from three age groups (156 teenagers, 96 young people and 108 adults) equally divided between males and females.

The team of psychologists asked them what situations most often caused them to feel guilt. They also carried out interpersonal sensitivity tests – the Davis Empathetic Concern Scale, and a questionnaire on Interpersonal Guilt, created purposely for this study.

When it came to comparing the measurements of intensity of habitual guilt of these groups, the researchers saw that this score was significantly higher for women, in all three age groups. “This difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group”, points out Etxebarria.

The data also suggest that female teenagers and young women have higher scores than males of the same age. “This is caused by certain educational practices, which demand more of females, and which are sometimes still in use despite belief to the contrary,” claims the scientist.

The authors also found gender differences – similar to those noted for habitual guilt – in the two indices of interpersonal sensitivity, although in the 40-50 age bracket the men’s levels came closer to women’s.

The interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is “comparatively low.” The experts say a lack of sensitivity could lead to absence or excessive weakness of certain kinds of guilt, such as empathetic guilt, which could be beneficial for interpersonal relationships and for the individual.

Types of guilt

The most common forms of guilt are related to situations where we cause harm to others. Stemming from this, it is normal that this arouses feelings of empathy for the people we may have harmed, which tend to turn into feelings of guilt when we recognize that we are responsible for their suffering.

A previous study, also headed by Itziar Etxebarria, analyzes people’s experiences of guilt, differentiating two components – one of these being empathetic (sorrow for the person we have harmed in some way) and the other anxious-aggressive (unease and contained aggression).

The anxious-aggressive kind of guilt is more common in people who have been raised in a more blame-imposing environment, and who are governed by stricter rules about behavior in general and aggression in particular.

“It seems obvious that this component will be more intense among women, and especially in older women,” says Etxebarria.

The greater presence of this component among women, above all those aged between 40 and 50, explains the marked differences in the intensity of habitual guilt in this age group, “just at the age when males move towards females in the two indices of interpersonal sensitivity analyzed”, she explains.

“Educational practices and a whole range of socializing agents must be used to reduce the trend towards anxious-aggressive guilt among women and to strengthen interpersonal sensitivity among men”, concludes the researcher.

Source: FECYT - Spanish Foundation for Science and Technology

 Original article may be found here http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/01/26/sensitivity-feelings-of-guilt-low-in-men/10958.html 

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Positive Psychology – The Science of Optimal Human Functioning with Dr. John Schinnerer - One hour teleclass 12/8/09

9. December 2009 by John Schinnerer.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Partial script for 1-hour teleclass on 12/8/09

Welcome to what I hope will be a wonderful talk on positive psychology. I will be your host tonight. My name is John Schinnerer. I hold a Ph.D. in educational psychology from U.C. Berkeley. In 2007, I wrote a positive psychology book called ‘Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion & Thought’ which was awarded Best Self-Help Book of the year. In 2006, I hosted a daily primetime radio show here in the SF Bay Area. Currently, I do keynote speaking, teach and see private clients.  I also collaborate with the University of New Zealand on the International Wellbeing Study which you can participate in at www.wellbeingstudy.com. 

Just a bit of housekeeping…If you have questions during the talk, please email me at john@guidetoself.com and I will do my best at the end to answer them. Your end of the phone has been muted as there are over 500 people on this call.

     I like to start off my talks with a joke to put you in a positive frame of mind. So here it goes…

A psychologist is holding a group therapy session in which there are four young mothers, each of whom has a small child with her. The psychologist gazes at the four women and blurts out “You’re all obsessed. And your obsessions show up in the names of your kids.”

He points to the first mother and calmly states “You are obsessed with spending money & shopping…you named your daughter Penny.”

The shrink points to the second mother and dryly adds “And you are stuck on the issue of eating. You went so far as to name your daughter Candy!”

As the remaining two mothers shift uncomfortably in their seats, the psychologist continues, pointing to the 3^rd mother, “While you have a drinking problem which shows itself in your daughter’s name – Brandy.”

     ……

At that point, the fourth mother, who can’t contain herself any longer, stands up, grabs her son by the hand and says …

“Come on Dick, we’re getting out of here!”

 

     I told this joke on the radio to thousands of listeners and got a landslide of positive feedback ….initially. One lady, who was driving when she heard it, said she had to pull over to the side of the freeway because she was laughing so hard. However, the show was rerun and then we started to get a few complaints. So the station owner called me in to tell me we couldn’t run the show anymore. I asked why not. He said because the joke was dirty. I knowingly asked what was dirty about it. He said it was the reference to sex. I told him that there was no mention in the joke as to whether or not the sex was taking place in a marriage. You see, the dirtiness of this joke is truly in the mind of the listener. If one assumes the sex is taking place within a marriage, there really is nothing dirty about the joke (unless you think sex in general is aversive).  The reason I tell this story is to point out that there are many different way of seeing the world, different ways of viewing the actions of others and even various ways of relating to your own mind, your thoughts, and your feelings.  And I’ll discuss a few of these points today.

Now that you are prepped to learn something new, let’s talk about positive psychology because it holds great promise. Just to be clear, positive psych is not a self-help movement. It is not as simple as positive thinking. It has no relation to books such as The Secret. It is not a passing trend.

Positive psychology is the scientific study of optimal functioning, the applied approach to human flourishing. The lessons of positive psychology are beneficial for everyone – teenagers, executives, managers and the elderly. Even the Army is currently training thousands of sergeants in positive psychology to boost the resiliency of troops and to decrease the possibility of post-traumatic stress disorder. While our Army troops have always been physically fit, we are now seeing a momentous shift in thinking which will enable them to become psychologically fit as well.

So this class and positive psychology in general definitely has something to offer you and it is as valuable in your personal life as in your professional life. At the heart of positive psychology are a number of research based findings into how and when people function at their very best.

Most of us spend a great deal of our time worrying over what might go wrong, or beating ourselves up over what we think did go wrong, or feeling disappointed over the inherent unfairness of life. Recent research shows that we are hard-wired to pay closer attention to this that go wrong than things that go right. And from an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense. Being overly vigilant for threats and problems helped keep us alive from predators back when sabre-toothed tigers roamed the earth.

However, this hard wiring focused on the negative does not serve us well in modern day life.  Events such as childrens’ skinned knees, missed deadlines, speaking in public or bumper-to-bumper traffic may feel frustrating, scary or stressful but they are not matters of life and death.

So take a quick moment to ask yourself,

‘How much is my focus on what might go wrong helping me?’

‘How much are my negative emotions, such as fear and anger, assisting me in reaching my goals?’

To these questions, positive psychology provides a somewhat unusual answer:

spend more time focusing on what is going right with your life,

focus more on what may go well in the future,

and see how much that approach helps you reach your goals.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that you only have a positive perspective. I am not suggesting that you be foolishly optimistic. There is a great deal of merit to accurately foreseeing and planning for potential problems. It’s a matter of balance. How much of your mental time is spent focusing on problems as compared to looking at the positives. Positive psychology has found that there are tremendous benefits to learning to focus more on what is right with us and what may go well in the future.

One of the basic assumptions of Positive psychology is that all people are ‘Born to be Good’ to quote the title of Dacher Keltner’s book and that we can become better, happier and more productive.  Let me repeat that, we can learn to be happier. Your happiness is not written in stone. You can learn techniques to increase your satisfaction with life.

What makes the crucial difference between positive psychology and traditional self-help books is the mountain of research upon which positive psychology is built. At this point, there are over 50,000 studies having to do with happiness, realistic optimism, human strengths, life satisfaction and more. Empirical researchers across the world are looking for testable theories and explanations supported by hard data. It is, in simplest terms, a powerful movement from faith to facts. So everything I write about, everything about which I speak, is based on scientific studies and replicable data.

The biggest shift towards a positive psychology took place in the late 1990s when Martin Seligman, as president of the American Psychological Association, began asking the question “what is right with people?” For over 100 years, medicine and psychology had both focused on what was wrong with people and how problems could be fixed. Seligman used his influence to create a new branch of science termed positive psychology focusing on what is right with us, how we can lead more thriving, fulfilling, and meaningful lives.

Seligman and Mike Csikszentmihalyi brought together some of the top young researchers in psychology to study topics such as hope, happiness, gratitude, wisdom, creativity and optimal human functioning. From there it spread to include researchers in humanistic psychology, philosophy, executive coaches, sports psychology, developmental psychologists and many more areas. It continues to spread to business, education and counseling.

The best part is that positive psychology works and works well. Positive psychology exercises have been shown in numerous studies to promote strengths, improve optimal functioning, to increase realistic optimism and to increase the frequency of positive emotions.

Some of you may be skeptical. I completely understand this. I was skeptical at first too.  I was brought up to focus on the negative.  Most of us were. And most clients that I see focus first and foremost on problems, such as how to help under-performing workers, or how to shore up the weaknesses of people they manage.

One of the greatest contributions of Positive psychology is the finding that by focusing energy and attention on strengths and by tapping into positive emotions, all of us will enjoy more success than if we focus on weaknesses and problems.

In terms of using positive psychology in the workplace, the Gallup Organization has shown that disengaged workers cost firms billions of dollars per year in accidents, sabotage, turnover costs, lost customers and healthcare. Engaged or happy workers have a higher probability of making more money, innovating, being on time to work, being healthier physically, receive higher ratings from supervisors and customers, and help out coworkers more frequently. Happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is good for the bottom line and good for employees.

To give you an example, last year, I did some consulting with the executive board of a large insurance company. They were having trouble with several vice presidents who were holding grudges over an incident that happened over many years ago. Two of the vice presidents were actively sabotaging one another’s projects resulting in increased costs to the company. As part of my time there, I gave a two hour talk to the executive board on positive psychology, and I specifically focused on what the research has to say about forgiveness  based on research from Stanford University – what it is, what it is NOT, how to do it and why you want to do it. To me, forgiveness is the best single way to wash out all that stale anger you’ve been hiding for years. At the end of my talk, I suggested to the 11 executives that they try forgiving each other for past transgressions. After a long pause, I watched as all of the executives stood up, and began forgiving every other person in the room.  They hugged; they apologized to each other; and they forgave one another. It was powerful. And it changed the way in which they interacted from that day forward. The vice presidents were more supportive of one another, more cooperative, and they stopped their internal sabotage.

 Positive psychology is filtering into education as well. I do a monthly speaking series at a continuation high school where the students are sent if they are behind on credits, if they have behavior problems, emotional difficulties, or are coming out of juvenile hall. So it’s a pretty hard crowd.  One of the more difficult cases was an African-American female student who challenged me during a presentation “You aren’t black. You aren’t female. And you don’t live in a group home. Why should I listen to anything you say?!” It was a valid question. My response? “You’re absolutely right. I’m a totally bald, white, 42 year old man who lives with his wife and four children. And on a physical level you are correct. We share little in common. Here is what I can tell you…that on an emotional level, everything you have ever felt in your life – fear, anger, despair, happiness, pride, love – everything you have felt, I have felt also. So, on an emotional level we are nearly identical. I have been studying emotions for the past 12 years and I’ve found some tools that really work to help manage negative emotions and cultivate more positive emotions. So it’s your choice – you can listen and try some of the tools for yourself, see if they work, or you can ignore me. Either way, it’s up to you.” From that moment on, she was a fan - engaged, interested and willing to learn. She went on to work at a hospital this summer and now is looking at attending community college when she graduates at the end of this school year.

The Power of Positive Emotions

One of the areas I have researched over the past dozen years with great curiosity and passion is emotions. I have found that there is tremendous power in our emotions. Emotions are the social glue that binds our relationships.  The effective use of emotions, or leveraging emotions to your benefit, is what draws people to leaders. Emotional leverage is what separates truly great leaders from average executives. Emotions may initially be a bit frightening. Many people spend a great deal of energy trying to suppress or contain emotion. Yet, emotions have been with the human race for millions of years. Each emotion serves a purpose. Anger, for instance, helps move past obstacles or challenges. It helps us stand up to social injustices. Sadness keeps us close to home after suffering a loss. Fear keeps us safe from perceived danger.

Take a moment to think back to the last time you experienced an intense emotion. It may have been surprise, fear, rage, disappointment, sorrow, joy, awe or pride. It may have been pride due to your child’s outstanding grades, or joy watching your team win a close game, or frustration at yourself for making a mistake at work, or the feeling of contentment while working in your yard. What we’re finding is that emotions transcend our physical bodies. They are contagious. You can catch feelings from others around you. Studies have shown that happiness is contagious just like anger. Emotions are also closely and powerfully linked to what and how you remember the past. Look through an old photo album and you will clearly see the sway emotions have over your memories. What’s more, emotions play a large role in learning, communication, and even in our morality.

So it is critical to understand and learn to leverage emotions. In particular, you must understand the purpose and strength of positive emotions, because you can put them to great use in your daily life. Expertly leveraging emotions will help you be more successful.  As Robert Biswas-Diener puts it, ‘positive emotion is one of the greatest resources you and your clients, colleagues or students are currently overlooking.’

Emotions may be best thought of as a guidance system for your life. When you experience guilt, for example, it’s a sign that your actions are not in keeping with your values. And the unpleasant feeling motivates you to bring your actions back in line with your values. When things are going smoothly, your guidance system lets you know with an all clear signal – positive emotions such as peacefulness or contentment.  Of course, this guidance system is not perfect. We occasionally misinterpret our emotions, and sometimes our emotions are just plain wrong like when we feel highly fearful before speaking in public. However, our emotions give us important and valuable feedback the majority of the time. And there is power in learning how to be aware of emotions, in learning how to correctly read emotions, and greater success lies in the ability to cultivate more positive emotions.

 

 

So what can positive emotions do for you?

One of the biggest breakthroughs for positive psychology comes from Barbara Fredrickson at UNC Chapel Hill who came up with an evolutionary explanation for the existence of positive emotions. Barbara’s hypothesis is that the primary function of positive emotion is to broaden and build.  That is, they broaden our thought processes and they build lasting internal resources. Positive emotions, such as awe, peacefulness and love, allow your mind to blossom, creating more options, more possibilities, in terms of thoughts and actions.  Positive emotions help us be more creative, imaginative, and innovative. If you need to brainstorm for a new marketing slogan, you’ll do a better job if you are happy when you do it.

In addition, positive emotions have long-term beneficial effects because they build internal resources which may be used to help assist others in need or to manage future threats. In other words, positive emotions fill up your gas tank.  This means that positive emotions fill your emotional reservoir with positive emotional energy to increase your sense of well-being and physical health and which you can share with others when they need support and love.

What’s more, positive emotions have been shown to undo the lingering physiological effects of negative emotions. Positive emotions act as the hidden RESET button to the bodily changes caused by negative emotions, changes such as elevated blood pressure and increased cortisol levels in the blood stream.

      In the workplace, positive emotions are related to higher salaries, less sick days, better relationships with coworkers, better supervisor ratings, better customer ratings, and reduced employee turnover.

      In terms of physical health, positive folks are less likely to get ill, live longer, experience less pain, have fewer hospital visits, and when in a good mood, have faster cardiovascular recovery times. On the other hand, those with depression are more likely to engage in smoking, drug abuse, suicidal attempts, and have more emergency room visits.

In psychology, it is generally understood that bad is stronger than good, or the negative is stronger than the positive.  Bad events have a greater power over us, our emotions, thoughts and behaviors, than do good ones. You are more motivated to avoid bad self-definitions than to pursue good ones. You are quicker to form bad judgments of other people than good ones. It takes approximately 5 compliments to undo the negative effects from one insult. Your brain processes negative information more thoroughly than it does positive information. So it’s great news that the harmful effects of negative feelings can be undone by positive emotions.

While we could come up with a list of hundreds of emotion words, there are ten positive emotions that have been verified in studies. From the most frequently occurring to the least frequent, they are… love, joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration and awe. And we know from research that positive emotions are fleeting and fragile. They are easily done away with and they are generally less powerful than negative emotions. So you have to increase your awareness of and be on the lookout for positive emotions throughout your day.

A Few Positive psychology Exercises:

Okay, let’s turn to some of the interventions that have been proven to boost your happiness.

The Blessings Exercise

One study done by Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania sought to help 50 severely depressed people. These were folks that stayed in bed most of the day, crawled out occasionally to check their email, and then returned to bed. They were asked to do one thing every day for two weeks.

            Write down three things that went well today and why they went well.

This daily gratitude journal is a powerful yet simple way to redirect the mind to the positive instead of dwelling on the negative. After two weeks of doing this exercise, the majority saw a significant improvement in their depressive symptoms.  People frequently report feeling happier and more positive after this assignment.

Mental Scrapbook of Positive Memories

Another exercise that has been shown to increase positive emotions is reliving positive memories. This exercise is as simple as focusing your attention on a positive event in your past. It might be a big athletic event, a wedding, the birth of a child, finishing school or a promotion. This activity may be combined with actual physical reminders of the past, such as photos, ticket stubs, trophies, college degrees, and printed testimonials.  You can also create your own positive scrapbook using most cell phones these days. Simply create a folder in which you keep photos of positive events. Start your own collection today. The main idea here is to savor the experience, to pay close attention to sensory details, to squeeze every last ounce of positive emotion out of the experience.

The extent to which you experience positive emotions is largely based on your thinking. Overthinking kills positive emotions. Worry, doubt, and stress drown out positive emotions. Emotions are highly individualized. They vary from person to person and what evokes one emotion in one person may not do the same in another. What makes one person recoil in disgust may make another person laugh. Emotions depend on how you interpret events. You have to take a moment (in the moment) and look for the good in the situation. Once you find the good, you must intentionally magnify it, and let it grow.  You have the power to turn positive emotions off and on.

Look at the room you’re in right now.

Ask yourself:

What’s going right for me right now?

How am I fortunate/blessed to be here?

How does being here benefit me?

What meaning can I take away from this situation?

When you take time to think this way, it builds gratitude in you.

By the way, it is normal if positivity feels unusual or weird at first.

Capitalizing on Love

One of the foremost researchers in the area of love and marriage is Shelly Gable, an assistant professor of psychology at UCLA. Most researchers looking at marriage work on conflict management, how to create more harmony between partners, and how individuals in a couple cope with traumatic events.  Gable is one of a handful of researcher who looks at what makes a thriving marriage. Her work provides some valuable insights if you are interested in transforming your good relationship (e.g., friendship, marriage, parent or child) into a great one.

Gable looks to see how you respond when your spouse tells you that he’s just been promoted, or your child tells you that she won Class President, or when your mother tells you she won a tennis tournament, or when your friend tells you she just won a huge lawsuit. Gable puts your responses into four different categories which break down as follows:

1.      An enthusiastic reaction such as “Wow! That’s tremendous. That’s the best thing I’ve heard all week. I’m sure there are more great things to come for you. You’ve definitely earned it. Congratulations!” This reaction is called the active-constructive response by Gable.

2.      A more subdued reaction where you share your happiness but say little. For example, “That’s nice dear.” This is the passive-constructive response.

3.      Or perhaps you point out some of the potential pitfalls or negatives within the good event. For instance, “Wow, I sure hope you can handle all that extra responsibility. Does this mean you will have to work extra hours?” Gable refers to this as the active-destructive response.

4.      Or, you might respond with disinterest and not respond to the good news at all. Most folks do this by merely changing the subject, “Yes, but what do you think about the weather outside?” This is known as the passive-destructive response.

The first type of response, the active-constructive one, is called “capitalizing” by Gable and here’s the fascinating part…capitalizing amplifies the pleasure of the good event and creates an upward spiral of good feelings.

Gable has shown that capitalizing is one of the keys to strong, supportive, thriving relationships. 

So how do you respond to good news from other people?

Are you a “capitalizer” who creates upward spirals of positive emotions?

Or do you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the good news of others?

The consequences of learning how to be more of a “capitalizer” are impressive and robust. Couples who describe themselves as having a spouse who is active and constructive in response to their good news are more committed to the relationship, more in love, and happier in their marriage.  Think about that the next time your mate comes in the door with exciting news.

Closing Remarks

            I’ve found a large number of people are passionate and excited about positive psychology. It offers an energizing approach to your personal and professional life. Hopefully, by sharing some information about positive psychology, you’ve become excited about the possibilities also.

Again my name is John Schinnerer. I’m happy to speak to those interested in future keynote presentations or seeing clients privately. My book is entitled ‘Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion & Thought’ and may be purchased at Amazon.com, or Target.com. My email address is John@GuideToSelf.com.  My website is www.GuideToSelf.com. Please feel free to go and sign up for my newsletter by clicking on Email Sign Up on the left of the screen.

Now to your questions…

 

Hope you enjoyed it!

Have a wonderful evening,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

913 San Ramon Valley Blvd.

Danville, CA 94526

 http://www.guidetoself.com

---

 

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Positive Psychology - The Science of Optimal Human Functioning

17. November 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Free teleclass
Positive Psychology – The Science of Optimal Human Functioning
11/18/09 (Wednesday)
6 pm PST/9 pm EST
with John Schinnerer, Ph.D.,
Author, positive psychology coach, speaker, amusing guy
Simply call 212-461-5903 and enter Pin 3474#

 

Positive psychology is the scientific study of optimal functioning, the applied approach to human flourishing. The lessons of positive psych are appropriate for everyone – teenagers, executives, managers and the elderly. Even the Army is currently training thousands of sergeants in positive psychology to boost the resiliency of troops and to decrease the possibility of post-traumatic stress disorder. While our Army troops have always been physically fit, we are now seeing a momentous shift in thinking to enable them to become psychologically fit as well.

So this class and PP in general definitely has something to offer you and it is as valuable in your personal life as in your professional life. At the heart of positive psychology are a number of research based findings into how and when people function at their very best.

 

 

Posted in Awareness, Psychology humor, Gratitude, Hope, Mindfulness, Organizational psychology, Resiliency, Altruism, Curiosity, National speakers, Employee engagement, Executive coach, Meaning-making, International Wellbeing Study, Emotion & productivity, Emotion & learning, Danville CA, Positive expectations, The human brain, Men's emotions, Creativity, Life coach, Guide to Self, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Positive Psychology, Business & psych, Realistic optimism, Emotional IQ, Customer Engagement, Emotional management, Managing Anxiety, Managing Sadness, Emotional mind, Morals and values, Happiness, Positive mood music, Sports Psychology | Print | No Comments »

Faking A Dive In Soccer: Now a Scientifically-proven Way to Spot Cheaters

12. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

From Science Daily…

 

‘ScienceDaily (Oct. 10, 2009) — The game is up for football’s (soccer’s) divers: A new study by Dr Paul Morris from the University of Portsmouth could help referees know when a top player has genuinely been fouled or taken a dive.

Dr Morris, an expert on the embodiment of emotions and intentions in the Department of Psychology, says refs could be helped to spot the tell tale signs of cheating, sometimes even in the split seconds in which they occur.

“Referees have a very difficult job and given the demands of the task they do it remarkably well. We think even experienced professionals could enhance their decision-making by studying the categories of deceptive behaviour we have identified,” said Dr Morris.

Published in the Springer Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, and conducted in three separate studies, the research could also help by improving decisions based on video evidence.

Dr Morris’s research shows that there are distinct actions which footballers use – either individually or in any combination - when faking a fall. These include:

• clutching their body where they haven’t been hit
• taking an extra roll when they hit the ground
• after being tackled taking fully controlled strides before falling
• holding up both arms in the air, with open palms, chest thrust out, legs bent at the knee in an “archer’s bow” position

“In most dishonest tackles the behaviour itself does not indicate dishonesty – the deception is revealed in the timing and co-ordination of the behaviours,” said Dr Morris.

“But one action is unique to a faked fall – the archer’s bow. This occurs in many dives but biomechanically it does not occur in a natural fall. Instead instinctively the arms either go down in an attempt to cushion the fall or out to the side for balance.

“Although this behaviour is absurd, the fraudulent footballer does it to try to deceive the referee into believing that the tackle was illegal, and the histrionics are necessary to get the referee’s attention in the first place.

“This behaviour has no national boundaries; everyone does it, it even occurred unprompted during our research trials.”

Dr Morris said that a player who positions his body into this peculiar shape to show that he has been fouled as a result of a tackle looks quite bizarre.

“Moving the body like this is completely controlled behaviour so it clearly doesn’t show a genuine fall.

“The moment both arms go above the shoulder is a clear indication of deception,” he said.’

Having just coached a soccer tournament where I saw 1 or 2 suspect dives, this is highly interesting information in terms of the embodiment of emotion, and the actual trip vs. planned dive.

By the way, I love Drogba (pictured above). He is one of my favorite players. He is definitely taking a dive in this particular situation, however.

Have a wonderful week!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Guide To Self, Inc.

Danville, San Ramon, Alamo CA

Posted in San Ramon CA, Awareness, Psychology & soccer, Morals and values, Dr. John Schinnerer | Print | No Comments »

How to Build a Corporate Culture Around Employee Engagement

25. September 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Dr. John Schinnerer

Guide To Self, Inc.

www.GuideToSelf.com

 

Are business people purely logical? Do employees go through their work day devoid of emotion? Does the stock market rise and fall according to rational principles?

 

The answer to all these questions is ‘No,’ however many people like to go through their days as if they were true.

 

Last month, I spoke at a corporate leadership summit. Afterwards, I was selling copies of my book when two businessmen in suits came up. Both men thumbed through a copy of Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Emotion and Thought. One man purchased a copy and said ‘This looks fantastic.’ The other man teased him saying ‘Oh yes, emotions, you need that kind of help.’ And the derogatory tone of voice in which it was said caused me to think about emotions and how they relate to business. Being ‘emotional’ in a corporate setting is akin to being insane, neither of which is helpful in climbing the corporate ladder.

 

At the same time, I’ve had numerous discussions with companies looking to market goods or services aimed at improving emotional connections between businesses, customers and employees. This gets at the heart of employee and customer engagement. Engagement is an emotional construct. Nearly every definition of engagement has at its core an emotional component such as enthusiasm, commitment, or trust.

 

What Is Engagement?

 

The Corporate Board defines employee engagement as ‘a heightened emotional connection that an employee feels for his or her organization, and that influences him or her to exert greater discretionary effort to his or her work.’ Curt Coffman and Gabriel Gonzalez-Molina, co-authors of Follow This Path, lay out twelve parts to employee engagement. Of these twelve, seven are emotionally-based:

 

1.      high energy and enthusiasm

2.      an emotional commitment to what the employee does

3.      create positive things to act on (based on constructive emotions)

4.      broaden what he or she does and builds on it (the key theory in positive psychology is broaden-and-build by Barbara Fredrickson)

5.      has a commitment to the company and people that work there (commitment is based largely on an emotional connection)

6.      intentionally builds supportive relationships (positive emotions are the ‘glue’ which hold relationships together)

7.      naturally innovates and works toward efficiency (innovation is more likely to occur when in a positive emotional state)

 

Most individuals in the corporate world like to maintain the illusion that they are 100% calm, rational and in control. They make the mistake of thinking they are the ‘thinker,’ the part of the mind that is rational, controlled and conscious. In fact, a mere 10% of the human mind is rational. The other 90% of the mind is emotional, unconscious and automatic.  

 

How Can Engagement Be Measured?

 

What’s more, recent studies show that there is a way to measure whether or not an individual is flourishing and performing to the best of his or her ability. The cutoff point is a 3:1 ratio of positive emotions to negative emotions. For high-performing executive teams, the cutoff point is 5:1 where there are five times as many positive, supportive comments and open-ended questions as negative comments and ‘I’ statements where people defend their own positions. One way to measure engagement is to look at the ratio of positive to negative emotions that the firm elicits in employees. The higher the ratio of positive to negative emotions, the more engaged the employee.

 

Zappos – Exponential Employee Engagement

 

Increasingly, high-performing companies are demonstrating an understanding of the power of positive, constructive emotions to engage both customers and employees mindfully and profitably.  This is most easily seen in those firms that create a competitive advantage via corporate culture, such as Zappos.com, an online retail company which was recently purchased by Amazon for approximately $900 million.

 

Zappos has shown an uncanny ability to tap into the mind and hearts of its employees using some unusual and counterintuitive practices. One of Zappo’s corporate values is ‘create fun and a little weirdness.’ This allows employees autonomy and freedom to think for themselves and express themselves, both of which endear the firm to the employees. Zappos offers newly hired employees $2,000 to walk away from the job, ensuring that those who refuse the offer to stay are more committed and engaged. Trust is placed in employees at all levels of the corporate hierarchy. This allows phone reps to connect and engage with customers however they deem necessary. This leads to increased customer and employee engagement as both parties tend to enjoy their interactions far more than the typical script-based call center reps and their victims/customers. The favorite book of CEO Tony Hsieh is The Happiness Hypothesis by Jon Haidt, a pillar of positive psychology. Hsieh intentionally cultivates happiness in the workforce as a business goal in and of itself. Courses in positive psychology and happiness are offered to employees in addition to the myriad of business courses.  As a result, the culture increases employee well-being, engagement and eventually, productivity and profitability. A positive, upward spiral results from a culture that has mindfully developed based on values such as open-mindedness, happiness, confidence and humility.

 

The importance of emotions in culture cannot be overstated. Emotions provide the glue that binds relationships together.  In order to build a high-performing culture, one must be aware of the emotional landscape of employees, regardless of whether they want to cop to being emotional or not.

 

About the author:

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that focuses on coaching individuals and groups to optimal human functioning using positive psychology. Dr. Schinnerer consults with Resonance Technologies, a firm with a patented methodology to quantify emotional responses to workplace issues. Dr. Schinnerer hosted Guide To Self Radio, a daily prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area. Dr. Schinnerer is also President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer has worked with companies such as UPS, Sutter Health, Erie Insurance Group and Schreiber Foods. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. His areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development to employee selection. Dr. Schinnerer is the award-winning author of “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought.” He has written articles on corporate ethics and EQ in the workplace for Workspan magazine, HR.com, and Business Ethics. He has given numerous presentations, radio shows and seminars to tens of thousands of people for organizations such as SHRM, NCHRA, KNEW and KDIA.

Posted in National speakers, Organizational psychology, The human brain, Danville CA, Emotion & productivity, Employee engagement, Corporate Culture, Morals and values, Happiness, Dr. John Schinnerer, Measuring emotions, Business & psych, Creativity, Guide to Self, Customer Engagement, Emotional IQ, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

The Top 12 Warning Signs of Good Health and Happiness

6. August 2009 by John Schinnerer.

If several of these symptoms appear, you may be happy and healthy, visits to the doctor may be greatly reduced.

1. Regular flare-ups of a supportive network of friends and family.
2. Chronic positive expectations.
3. Repeated episodes of gratitude & generosity.
4. Increased appetite for physical activity.
5. Marked tendency to identify and express feelings.
6. Compulsion to contribute to society.
7. Lingering sensitivity to the feelings of others.
8. Habitual behavior related to seeking new challenges.
9. Craving for peak experiences.
10. Tendency to adapt to changing conditions.
11. Feelings of spiritual involvement.
12. Persistent sense of humor.

Whole Earth Review magazine

Have a wonderful Thursday!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Posted in Mindfulness, Altruism, Resiliency, Managing Sadness, Hope, Gratitude, Danville CA, National speakers, Science of love, Curiosity, Managing Anxiety, Emotional mind, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Realistic optimism, Forgiveness, Creativity, Guide to Self, Morals and values, Happiness, Staying calm, Emotional IQ, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

Temptation more powerful than individuals realize says Kellogg study

3. August 2009 by John Schinnerer.

August 3rd, 2009

 

Whether it’s highlighted in major news headlines about Argentinean affairs and Ponzi schemes, or in personal battles with obesity and drug addiction, individuals regularly succumb to greed, lust and self-destructive behaviors. New research from the Kellogg School of Management examines why this is the case, and demonstrates that individuals believe they have more restraint than they actually possess–ultimately leading to poor decision-making.

The study, led by Loran Nordgren, senior lecturer of management and organizations at the Kellogg School, examined how an individual’s belief in his/her ability to control impulses such as greed, drug craving and sexual arousal influenced responses to temptation. The research found the sample, on average, displayed a “restraint bias,” causing individuals to miscalculate the amount of temptation they could truly handle, in turn leading to a greater likelihood of indulging impulsive or addictive behavior.

“People are not good at anticipating the power of their urges, and those who are the most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation,” said Nordgren. “The key is simply to avoid any situations where vices and other weaknesses thrive and, most importantly, for individuals to keep a humble view of their willpower.”

For full article, click here http://www.physorg.com/news168523630.html

 

Posted in Awareness, Emotion & learning, Anger Management, Emotional management, Morals and values, Rational mind, Emotional IQ | Print | No Comments »

Character is the foundation of all success

3. August 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Character is the real foundation of all worthwhile success.

John Hays Hammond

Posted in Resiliency, Morals and values | Print | No Comments »

When the Machines Take Over - The Possibility of the ‘loss of human control of computer-based intelligences.’

27. July 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Fascinating article in New York Times on July 25, 2009 about the possibility of the ‘loss of human control of computer-based intelligences.’

‘Impressed and alarmed by advances in artificial intelligence, a group of computer scientists is debating whether there should be limits on research that might lead to loss of human control over computer-based systems that carry a growing share of society’s workload, from waging war to chatting with customers on the phone.

Their concern is that further advances could create profound social disruptions and even have dangerous consequences.’

To some extent, consciousness is defined as the degree of integration information in a system such as the brain of a human being, a chimpanzee, or a bumblebee, according to Giulio Tononi of the University of Wisconsin - Madison. He has created a theory of consciousness known as integrated information theory (IIT).

IIT is based on two assumptions.

First, conscious states are rich, detailed and highly differentiated. You are aware of an amazing number of occurrences going on around you simultaneously. You can watch your son swim the freestyle at a swim meet, while talking to another parent, while smelling the freshly mown grass beneath your feet, and be cognizant of the sweltering 100 degree sun raining down upon you.  Each of these can be a specific conscious state.

Second, the information from these specific conscious states is heavily integrated. In other words, despite your best efforts, you cannot turn your sense of smell off, nor can you view your son’s race with complete emotional detachment. And you view the race within the context of a swim meet, in a pool with lane lines, surrounded by hundreds of cheering people. You are unable to separate the elements (e.g., swimmers, water, spectators, flags, tents, etc.) of the scene into the various subcomponents. Whatever information you are aware of is presented to you as a unified whole -  a complete scene.

According to Tononi, consciousness occurs within a single, integrated being with a large panoply of states which can be distinguished from one another. This may include perceptual states, emotional states, cognitive states, and a variety of states of awareness or attention.

My Dell laptop has a far greater memory capacity than do I, yet the information within its memory is not integrated. So the word documents that I write have no meaning, no connections to other files, to the laptop.   However, the word files are meaningful to me as the articles are all linked in some meaningful way. They build on top of one another and the ideas within them are revised as my knowledge base builds over time.

IIT is still a young theory. It does not have an answer for everything. For instance, even entities with small degrees of integrated information, such as a single cell or an earthworm, can be termed ‘conscious’ according to the theory.

In truth, we currently have no way to determine whether or not a computer, or a living organism, has consciousness. There is no rational, objective way to say with confidence that one organism has subjective states while another does not.

Of great interest to me is the degree to which emotions come into play in the consciousness question. Computers can think along logical, rational pre-programmed lines. Some robots can even learn from their own experiences to modify future behaviors. However, no mechanical entity (that I know of) has feelings. There are a few robots which are learning to read and mimic facial expressions. There are programs which scan the human face for signs of emotion. Yet none of these are advanced enough to feel sadness, delight, surprise, hope, awe and curiosity.

So it may be that emotions are one of the key elements which define and differentiate consciousness.  Unfortunately, that’s as much time as I have today.

Full NY Times article here

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/science/26robot.html?_r=2

Keep a watchful eye on your microwave, GPS and toaster. They might be conspiring against you! Just kidding. :>)

In any case, I’ve gotta run to chat with a client.

I hope you are all thriving!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Posted in Emotion and technology, Consciousness, Morals and values, Anxiety, Dr. John Schinnerer | Print | No Comments »

What’s Next? Hackers Tapping Into Your Brain

15. July 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Most of us have some experience with malicious hackers trying to steal passwords, credit card information, and expose our hard drives to worms, bugs and viruses. Given the advances in neuropsychology and technology, the next frontier may be hackers attempting to illegally gain entry into your brain.

Technology has been developed in the past two years that allow individuals to control a computer, a wheelchair and even web browsers with mere thoughts. The downside? As these neural devices become more advanced and involved, such as adapting wireless technology, there is a danger of evil doers hacking into users’ brains. Security must be at the forefront of our minds (pun intended) if we are to truly realize the enormous possibilities of this convergence of neuropsychology and technology.

 Read full article in Wired here…

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/07/neurosecurity/

Stay healthy! Stay cool! It’s supposed to be 109 degrees here in California (Bay Area) today.

Dr. John Schinnerer

Guide to Self, Inc.

Posted in Mindfulness, The human brain, Awareness, Emotion and technology, Neuropsychology, Consciousness, Emotional management, Emotional IQ, Guide to Self, Morals and values, Rational mind, Emotional mind, Dr. John Schinnerer | Print | No Comments »

Einstein Look-alike Robot Teaches Itself to Smile By Looking In Mirror - UCSD

13. July 2009 by John Schinnerer.

A robot, designed by researchers at UCSD, can learn new facial expressions simply by monitoring itself in a mirror, a strange, and slightly eery, step towards computers and robots that learn on their own.

Courtesy of UCSD

The Einstein-like robot was first shown last February at the TED Conference last February. Now, the inventors have taken the next step by programming the robot to ‘learn’ to fine tune its own facial expressions via self-monitoring. The robot is designed by Hanson Robotics. Prior to this upgrade, the robot could demonstrate only the 31 preprogrammed expressions. Now the robot can tweak, modulate and improve upon those preprogrammed expressions creating a nearly limitless facial repertoire. Similar to the movie title ‘Flubber’, the material which the robot’s skin is made of is called ’Frubber’.

The idea was derived from the way in which babies learn vocalizations and expressions. Rather than relying on preprogramming to elicit it’s certain facial expressions, the UCSD robot uses trial and error while getting feedback of its own expressions from a mirror, and thereby slowly learns how certain micromovements lead to full emotional expressions.   The UCSD researchers presented a paper on the momentous feat last month at the 2009 IEEE Conference on Development and Learning.

The press release from UCSD states,

‘Once the robot learned the relationship between facial expressions and the muscle movements required to make them, the robot learned to make facial expressions it had never encountered.’

Creepy, but impressive, nonetheless. I’m not sure how comfortable I feel with the convergence of nanotechnology, emotionally expressive robots, artificial intelligence, cloning technology and the implantation of electronics into humans. It seems quite plausible, as many have argued, that a quick learning, human-like robot could be developed in the next 25 years. The problems seem to start when and if that robot becomes ’self-aware’ and gets a chance to self-replicate. Perhaps that’s needeless worrying, but it seems common sense to me to proceed with caution and mindfulness in these areas.

Have a wonderful week,

 

Dr. John Schinnerer

Guide To Self, Inc.

 

Posted in Consciousness, Awareness, Emotion and technology, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Morals and values, Dr. John Schinnerer, Guide to Self, Emotional IQ, Measuring emotions | Print | No Comments »

Was St. Francis of Assisi the first positive psychologist?

18. May 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Positive psychology has been defined in a number of ways, as the science of happiness, the empirical pursuit of subjective well-being, ways to reliably increase life satisfaction, and so on.

I recently came across a quote from St. Francis of Assisi that was written hundreds of years ago yet contains many tenets which I would include in any discussion of positive psychology. Here it is…

“Lord, make me a channel of Thy peace,

That where there is hatred I may bring love;

That where there is wron I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

That where there is discord I may bring truth;

That where there is doubt I may bring faith;

That where there is despair I may bring hope;

And where there are shadows I bring Thy light;

That where there is  sadness I may bring joy;

Lord grant that I may seek rather to comfort than be comforted,

To understand than be understood,

To love than be loved;

For it is by giving that one receives,

Is it by self-forgetting that one finds,

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven,

It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.”

So here we have a number of topics that might fall under the heading of positive psychology:

Peace (Character Strengths and Virtues)

Love  (Barbara Fredrickson - UNC Chapel Hill; also love is most highly associated with life satisfaction and happiness per Chris Peterson)

Forgiveness (Fred Luskin - Stanford)

Truth (character strengths and values a la Chris Peterson & Nansook Park)

Faith (spirituality seems to be a central component of a meaningful live &  a key part of resiliency - Dennis Charney)

Hope  (another positive trait which is associated 2nd most highly with life satisfaction and happiness; research in progress by Rick Snyder at KU)

Joy (self-explanatory)

Altruism (studies have shown that helping others is one of the best ways to increase happiness)

Curiosity (openness to new ideas, cognitive flexibility, approaching novel situations; Todd Kashdan)

Nonattachment to self (Buddhist concept, yet nonattachment is fundamental to contentment, relaxation and high performance)

This seemingly simple prayer by  St. Francis predates positive psychology by hundreds of years. Fortunately, we are now finding empirical evidence to back it up.

Have a wonderful week!

All the best,
John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/johnschin

Posted in Altruism, Resiliency, The human brain, Men's emotions, Mindfulness, Assertiveness, Science of love, Curiosity, Gratitude, Hope, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Life coach, Creativity, Dr. John Schinnerer, Forgiveness, Emotional IQ, Staying calm, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Morals and values, Happiness, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

Influences on My Work in Positive Psychology and Reproduceable Happiness

26. February 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Having a strong skeptical personal makeup, I have made a point throughout my career of backing up everything of which I write and speak upon with peer-reviewed scientific studies.  I have sought to put together a comprehensive theory of a happy, thriving and meaningful life. I have worked towards ways to dump out negative, destructive emotions and ways to cultivate positive, constructive emotions.

Many folks ask me for the names of the shoulders of the giants upon whom my work stands. For those individuals, and for others who might be interested, here are a few of the tremendous researchers to whom I am eternally grateful.

Forgiveness based on work of Dr. Fred Luskin, Director of Stanford Forgiveness Project. Dr. Luskin’s work has been successfully applied and researched in corporate, medical, legal and religious settings. He currently serves as a Senior Consultant in Health Promotion at Stanford University.

Positivity and Positive Emotions based on work of Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, Kenan Distinguished Professor. She is the “genius of the positive psychology movement” according to Martin Seligman. She came up with the ‘broaden and build” theory for positive emotions as well as the 3:1 ratio for a flourishing life. Amazing work.

Mindfulness based on work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, Professor of Medicine Emeritus and founding director of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School.

Realistic Optimism, Happiness, Disputing Catastrophic Thoughts based on the work of Martin Seligman, founder of the field of positive psychology in 2000, devoted his career since then to furthering the study of positive emotion, positive character traits, and positive institutions. Seligman directs the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania.

Sustainable Happiness based on the work of Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., professor of psychology at U.C. Riverside. She won the 2002 Templeton Positive Psychology Prize and multiyear grant from NIMH. She recently wrote The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want.

Emotional Awareness based on the work of Paul Ekman, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at UCSF. Ekman is a world-renowned expert in emotional research and nonverbal communication. His research has been supported by the National Institute of Mental Health for 46 years.

Emotions Within Relationships based on work of John Gottman,  Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded the Family Research Lab. He is well known for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, which involves study of emotions (particularly disgust and contempt) and physiology as well as communication. His break-through research on marriage and parenting has earned him numerous national and international awards, including four NIMH Research Scientist Awards.

Moral Development and Positive Psychology based on the work of Jonathan Haidt, one of the world’s foremost authorities on positive psychology (the scientific study of human flourishing) and moral psychology (the study of why people care so much about right and wrong, and sometimes choose to do wrong). He is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia. He is the author of The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding modern truth in ancient wisdom, a widely-acclaimed book about how to construct a life of virtue, happiness, fulfillment and meaning.

Gratitude and Thankfulness based on the work of Robert Emmons, Ph.D. Dr. Emmons is currently a Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Davis. His research focuses on personal goals and purpose, spirituality, the psychology of gratitude and thankfulness, and subjective well-being.  Robert Emmons is the founding editor and editor-in-chief of The Journal of Positive Psychology. Widely regarded as the world’s foremost expert in the study of gratitude, Dr. Emmons was one of the early pioneers in the positive psychology movement.  Dr. Emmons has received research funding from the National Institute of Mental Health and the John M. Templeton Foundation.

Please feel free to take a look at the mountain of papers, books, and talks that these outstanding individuals have done. The world is a better place for them. All the best,
Dr. John L. Schinnerer

Guide To Self, Inc.

Where Meaning Thrives

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The Official Positive Psychology Music Compilation is now available free of charge!

3. February 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Research has shown that music strongly affects our mood and our emotions, our thoughts and even our perceptions. Barb Fredrickson’s work demonstrates the positivity ratio is 3:1, that is we need three times as much positive emotions as negative emotions in our lives. 

Positive, constructive emotions are fleeting, ephemeral and quick. They can be easily outmuscled by negative or destructive emotions.

 We need to plant the seeds of positivity in the mind frequently and constantly. To that end. I have compiled a list of positive, upbeat, elevating songs so you can create your own playlist of positive psych songs.

 I would love to do a research study where only positive music is piped in to one team in an organization (as background music) compared to a no music condition as well as a popular radio station and track productivity, work engagement, creativity (innovation), sales, teamwork and so on.

I’ve had this positive playlist on for a couple weeks now and it works wonders for myself, my clients and my family. Try it for yourself.

The Official Positive Psychology Music Compilation is available free of charge at http://tinyurl.com/avafyy. Please send your suggestions for more positive songs to me at Info AT GuideToSelf.com! If I add your song to the list, I will email you a free pdf version of my award-winning book, Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought.

Thanks and enjoy!

Dr. John Schinnerer

Posted in Altruism, Resiliency, Men's emotions, Emotional management, Mindfulness, Hope, Music psychology, Energy psychology, Awareness, Emotional mind, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Guide to Self, Life coach, Creativity, Dr. John Schinnerer, Emotional IQ, Staying calm, Morals and values, Positive mood music, Happiness, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

Go Beyond Self-Interest - Revisit Your Values

16. January 2009 by John Schinnerer.

It seems that values have been rediscovered with the downturn in the economy. Many people are asking themselves “If it’s not money that make me happy, what does make me happy?” 

A happy and satisfying life involves behaving according to a set of ethics, standards, or values.  Values are the core beliefs upon which you operate your life. You may be aware of your core beliefs. You may not. In my counseling and coaching work, I’ve noticed that the vast majority of people do not have any idea what their top five values are. Our values are the stars by which we navigate ourselves through life. Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”   Ours is much too busy and noisy a world. Our lives take on a frenetic pace and people lose track of the values that give life meaning and purpose. Everyone says they are for values. The problem is their actions are not in keeping with their words. Thus, we have Christian schools that talk about treating children with loving compassion while verbally flagellating them in the classrooms. People with few values are more likely to be uncaring, conforming, inconsistent, and self-conflicted. The less we know what our values are, the more ambiguous our lives are. The more we understand our values, the better able we are to make the right choices which lead to right action. This leads to decisive acts of courage which are primarily the ability to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done.  

Ethical Energy Defined 

According to the authors of The Power of Full Engagement, “Ethical energy is the connection to a deeply held set of values and to a purpose that is beyond our self-interest. Anything that ignites the human spirit serves to drive full engagement and to maximize performance in whatever mission we are on. The key muscle that fuels ethical energy is character – the courage and conviction to live by our values, even when doing so requires personal sacrifice and hardship. Ethical energy is sustained by balancing a commitment to others with adequate self-care….the capacity to live by our deepest values depends on regularly renewing our spirit – seeking ways to rest and rejuvenate and to reconnect with the values that we find most inspiring and meaningful.” The alternative to living according to your values is to operate in survival mode, fueled by fear, mistrust and anxiety. Survival mode is marked by a sense of desperation where you are focused on filling your immediate needs for food, clothing, warmth and shelter. Survival mode is also characterized by the mentality of a victim. Life happens to you, not because of you. If you are passively accepting everything that comes your way as inevitable, you are not living according to your values. You are living in survival mode.  

Strengths Defined 

Martin Seligman, author of Authentic Happiness, has put a slightly different twist on values. Seligman states, “To be a virtuous person is to display, by acts of will, all or at least most of the six ubiquitous virtues: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence. There are several distinct routes to each of these six. One can display a virtue, such as justice by acts of fairness and loyalty.” Seligman calls these routes strengths and each is measurable and acquirable. They are ubiquitous across cultures (i.e. they occur everywhere). According to Seligman, there are seven criteria by which we know that a characteristic is a strength. First, a strength is a trait, a psychological characteristic that can be seen across different situations and over time.  

Second, a strength is valued in its own right. We value a strength for its own sake, even in the absence of clear beneficial outcomes. While a strength can produce good consequences, it doesn’t have to.  

Third, a strength can be seen in what parents wish for in their newborn children. Strengths are states we desire that require no further justification.  

Fourth, onlookers are usually elevated and inspired by observing strengths. Strengths typically produce authentic positive emotion in the doer – pride, satisfaction, joy, fulfillment – and the observer – inspired and uplifted.  

Fifth, strengths are supported by the dominant culture in the form of institutions, rituals, parables, maxims and children’s stories.

Sixth, role models and paragons in the culture compellingly illustrate a strength or virtue.  

Seventh, they are ubiquitous. Strengths are valued in almost every culture. They are not quite universal, as some exceptions to every rule can be found. But, they are ubiquitous. They take place everywhere.

“Try not to become a man of success, but a man of value.”                  - Albert Einstein

Values Defined 

Each individual has a set of beliefs and ideas about abstract concepts called values. They describe how much worth a person places on various ideas, objects, or beliefs. Societies have values that are shared between many of the participants in that culture.   These values may be put into four categories:    

• Ethics (good, bad, moral, immoral, amoral, right, wrong, permissible, impermissible)  
• Aesthetics (beautiful, ugly, unbalanced, pleasing)      
• Group Norms (political, ideological, religious or social beliefs and values)  
• Inborn (inborn values such as reproduction and survival, a controversial issue)   

Values are our core beliefs regarding those principles that we believe are most important and desirable. On occasion, we encounter ethical problems which pit two of our most cherished values against one another. In such a situation, we cannot act in a way that is in keeping with both these values. We solve such problems by prioritizing our top values that are relevant to the situation. Each of us has a set of prized values. Many of us simply are not aware of them.  We must have an awareness of our values as well as the intention to act upon them for values to be useful to us.

Stephen Covey and colleagues call these prized values our personal principles. He cautions against self-centered values such as “self respect” or “a sense of accomplishment” because they can lead us to develop pragmatic, utilitarian relationships with other individuals.  Covey suggests that we adopt prized values that are more holistic and anchored in the fundamental realities of nature, spirit and healthy interpersonal relationships.  Prizing your family higher than your career is a good example of adopting holistic and healthy values. 

Why Values Are Essential   Let’s look at how living according to one’s values can lead to a more fulfilling and purposeful life. Imagine that you could do whatever it is that brings you the most joy in your life. Picture anything you like that is deeply fulfilling to you. What you have then is a picture of a person living in accordance to his or her most cherished values. There is a close link between values and living a fulfilling life. Once your values are clarified, you will have a map that guides you through key decisions. Through this process we learn what is most important to the client and what is not. Clients discover what is truly necessary in their lives.

Clarifying values helps you to take a stand, to take calculated risks, and to make choices based on what is personally fulfilling to you. By its very nature, honoring your values is fulfilling, even when times get tough. You can suffer through discomfort if you know it will pass and you are living in accordance with your values. Making decisions based on your top values will always lead to a more fulfilling decision. This leads to right behavior and a fulfilling life.  Some examples of values are creativity, helping others, independence, fun, intimacy, power, friendship, peace of mind, nature, learning, adventure, spirituality. They cannot be touched, but they can be seen. You see them being acted out in how people behave. Someone living perfectly in accordance with values will feel the pain of a disturbing situation, and perhaps some psychological disturbance, but will remain tranquil at the center.  

Equanimity is the ideal. Equanimity means evenness of mind, or in this case, evenness of emotion. When possible, excessive negative emotion is to be deflected or rerouted. No one lives perfectly in accordance with their values. The goal is to remain constantly aware of your values and to strive to behave in accordance with them. Values remind us of our authentic self and our unique role in the universe. All of us benefit from a series of ethical guideposts which we can use to steer our actions towards the greater good.

The problem is that many situations in our lives fall into a gray area where values conflict and the right behavior is not readily apparent. It is helpful in these situations to have your values rank ordered in terms of their importance to you.  

When that doesn’t work, there is a framework to help guide your decision making process. With that in mind, here is a framework that has been helpful for millions of people. This framework is based on five steps:  

• Define the situation  
• Gather data from different sources 
• Be aware of your prioritized list of values 
• Identify your options or actions  
• Weigh the options in terms of how congruent each one is with your values 
• Make a decision 

Always remember that the best courses of action rely on intuition, emotion (your “gut” feeling), data from your senses, data from trusted sources, and what you know is right in the larger scheme of things. It is also helpful to write down your top 5 values (e.g., family, work, money, happiness, etc.) and to prioritize them. Trouble arises when your values come into conflict with one another. If you know what your values are and how they compare to one another, there is less chance of compromising your values. The more you think and act with integrity, the more you become an ethical person.

About the Author

Dr. John Schinnerer

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping folks learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps clients find what makes life meaningful and fulfilling. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.   

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How to Get What You Want Using Appropriate Assertiveness

18. November 2008 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.The boss’ face is red with rage as he screams obscenities at his subordinate. The boss yells words he will later regret. The subordinate focuses on breathing deeply and staying calm as he watches his boss spin out of emotional control. In the face of his boss’ fury, the subordinate remains composed and, thus, is able to think clearly. When the manager finishes his tirade, the 25-year-old subordinate asserts himself, ‘I understand you are upset. It frustrates me when you yell at me. I need you to speak to me in a calm tone of voice.’Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, despite a known risk of negative consequences. Assertiveness basically comes down to courage – the courage to do what you know is right, in your heart, despite the possibility of negative consequences. Assertiveness exists on a continuum between the poles of docile and aggressive. Think of assertiveness as a matter of degree; it exists on a 1 through 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. For most people, assertiveness varies according to the situation. For example, the hard-nosed, results-driven executive may be highly assertive at work, yet be quite meek when it comes to dealing with his wife and teenage daughter at home. So assertiveness is environment-specific. Usually, your degree of assertiveness is couched within a role that you play – parent, spouse, boss, friend, and so on. The goal is to learn how to be appropriately assertive without being a bully.  While difficult, it is possible with practice and awareness.Stop Being a WimpMost people are wimps, at least to some degree, in some situation. Wimps are people who cannot or will not say ‘No’ mainly out of fear. You may be a ubiquitous wimp which means that you are wimpy in every situation, with everyone. Or you may be a situation-specific wimp. These wimps can be a tyrant at work and a pushover at home, forceful with strangers yet completely spineless with friends. Wimpiness can vary according to the situation. Many wimps feel more comfortable being assertive in some areas of their life than others. Please understand that I use the term ‘wimp’ with respect and understanding. I work on my own assertiveness continuously. Understand that being a wimp works pretty well in the short run because you don’t risk upsetting anyone. You just let others have their way and no one’s knickers get in a knot. However, in the long run, your anger and disappointment get buried deep inside you. As you try to stuff more and more anger inside your emotional gas tank, the tank eventually overflows resulting in irritation, or even outbursts of rage as well as passive-aggressive behavior. You get angry at the wrong people, people who don’t deserve your wrath. Holding your emotions inside can also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, stroke, and even heart attacks. In short, wimpiness is bad for you and destructive to your health and happiness. For a meaningful, happy and healthy life, you must learn to be appropriately assertive. So what can you do? How do you stop being a wimp and start being assertive?Identify Your Top ValuesFirst, identify those values that are most important to you. The purpose for identifying your deepest values is to give you some guidance during difficult or confusing times. When your values are clear, it’s much easier to decide upon a course of action and act with confidence.  Your values will be the foundation of your new assertiveness. Ask yourself the following questions…What do I value? With what degree of certainty?Which values am I willing to publicly declare?What values am I willing to die for?Once you’ve identified your values, then you must figure out how consistent your words are with your feelings, thoughts and actions.The more authentic you are, the greater your quality of life is. Authenticity means that your values are consistent with your words, feelings and actions. The greater the consistency between your internal world and your external world, the more authenticity you have. Values guide the whole thing, your whole life.  Values give you a decision-making framework. Values are most important when you are under duress. Values are critical when you are stressed out, depressed or tired. However, in order for them to be any use to you at all, you have to know your top 5 values by rote. They have to be automatic, unconscious, repeated over and over until they are known by heart. It’s not enough to look at them once or twice a year. Infrequent value visits are not enough to sear them into your long-term memory. To get you started, a list of the top values that exist throughout the world is available free of charge at Guide To Self.  

Figure Out How You Want Others to Treat YouIf you want other people to treat you differently, you need to know how you want to be treated. Do you want your wife to stop yelling at you? Do you want more respect from your husband? Do you want your boss to speak to you in an indoor tone of voice? Do you want your children to help pick up the house? Figure out exactly how you want other people in your life to treat you.  Look at what is making you angry or irritated throughout the day. Make a mental note of each thing. Then figure out what you’d like to change in each relationship in your life. In which areas of your life is there injustice?  What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? As you unearth the answers to these questions, the priorities for assertive action will automatically unfold.  Ask for What You Want After you have figured out how you want to be treated, then ask for it. This step takes courage, yet it gets easier the more frequently you do it. And it’s not as hard as you believe it is. You must learn to express yourself, the real you; what you truly want; how you truly feel, if you want to be treated with more respect. When you learn to state how you feel and what you want, your whole life will begin to change for the better. When you are asking for what you want, be as specific as possible. Keep it as short as possible and hold that thought in your mind, that way you can hold onto it even in the midst of an emotionally-charged conversation. To stop being a wimp, act with courage. It may feel awkward at first. Every new behavior feels a little strange at first. Most new behaviors take roughly 4 weeks to take hold. After four weeks, your authentic communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs will fit like a glove and you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t done it sooner. Practice Saying ‘No’Many of us have gotten in a dangerous habit of saying ‘Yes’ to everyone and everything. However, it’s merely a bad habit which can be changed. If you have trouble with saying ‘No,’ if that is too uncomfortable, simply use the phrase, ‘I’ll think about it.’  This is merely a temporary stop-gap. It buys you time. Using the phrase ‘I’ll think about it’ will hold off the other party for a time, but it raises your anxiety because you are only delaying giving a final answer. So realize that the ultimate goal is to be able to say ‘No’ with a clear conscience. You have a right to say ‘No’ to any request that comes your way. You have an obligation to take care of yourself first and foremost.  

Learn to Love Change The next step in becoming more assertive is to learn to love change. As you begin to live by your values and become more assertive, your relationships will change. You are going to make some changes to your life and the way in which you interact with other people. In addition, the only unchanging thing in this life is the fact that change will be constant. The best you can do is learn to love change. Identify What Makes You Afraid – And Go After ItMany of us wimps have created massive fears over what will happen when we finally say ‘No.’ We get into catastrophic, all-or-nothing negative thinking. Most often, these are irrational fears that have been blown up to monstrous proportions. Odds are that none of these things will actually happen if you stand up and rightly assert yourself. Remember to challenge your fears and your negative thoughts. Often, thoughts and feelings do not tell the truth. It is important to challenge negative thoughts. Don’t let them go by without speaking back to them. Check them against reality. Check your thoughts out with other people. Find out what people you trust have to say about the matter.Please realize that assertiveness is NOT the same as aggressiveness. You don’t have to be rude or impolite to be assertive. You don’t have to attack someone to let them know of your thoughts and your feelings. You have the right to stand up for your rights. You have the right to say ‘No’ and to take proper care of yourself. You have the right to stand up and ask for what you want and need. The worst that can happen is that they say ‘No. You can’t have that.’In any case, you need to know what makes your life worth living. And then stand up for it. Ask for it. Fight for it. Work towards it. Pay attention to it. You have to know what you want before you can be assertive. If you don’t know, you can’t ask. SummaryIn closing, keep in mind that assertiveness requires some courage. Courage only exists when you feel some degree of fear. The act of overcoming your fear is known as courage.  Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner despite possible adverse consequences. Think of assertiveness on a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. Assertiveness usually varies by situation. It is environment-specific. The ultimate goal is to learn how to be properly assertive without using intimidation to get what you want. About the Author
Dr. John Schinnerer

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping men learn anger management, stress management and latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  

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