12. August 2010 by John Schinnerer.

 The boss’ face is red with rage as he screams obscenities at the subordinate. The boss yells out words he will later regret. The subordinate focuses on breathing deeply and staying calm as he watches his boss spin out of emotional control. In the face of his boss’ fury, the subordinate is unruffled and able to think clearly. When the manager finishes his tirade, the 25-year-old subordinate asserts himself, “I understand you are upset. It frustrates me when you yell at me. I need you to speak to me in a calm tone of voice.”

Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, despite a known risk of negative consequences. Assertiveness basically comes down to courage – the courage to do what you know is right, in your heart, despite the possibility of negative consequences. Assertiveness exists on a continuum between the poles of docile and aggressive.

Think of assertiveness as a matter of degree; it exists on a 1 through 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. For most people, assertiveness varies according to the situation. For example, the hard-nosed, results-driven executive may be highly assertive at work, yet be quite meek when it comes to dealing with his wife and teenage daughter at home.

So assertiveness is environment-specific. Usually, your degree of assertiveness is couched within a role that you play – parent, spouse, boss, friend, and so on. The goal is to learn how to be appropriately assertive without being a bully. If you are assertive at work, you may roll over at home. If you are assertive at home, you might be a pushover at work. Or perhaps you could be more assertive in both settings!

Stop Being a Wimp

Most of us are wimps (at least in some situations like work OR home). Wimps are people who cannot or will not say ‘No.’

Some of us are ubiquitous wimps (which mean that you are wimpy in every situation… with everyone).

Others are situation-specific wimps. These wimps can be a tyrant at work and a pushover at home, forceful with strangers yet completely spineless with friends.

Wimpiness can vary according to the situation. Some people feel more comfortable being assertive in some areas of their life than others.

Please understand that I use the term ‘wimp’ with respect and understanding. I am a recovering wimp myself.

Being a wimp often works well in the short run because you don’t risk upsetting anyone. You let others have their way and no one’s knickers get in a knot.

However, in the long run, your anger and disappointment get buried deep within you. And you may not even realize it!

As you try to stuff more and more anger inside your emotional gas tank, the tank eventually overflows resulting in irritation, outbursts of rage and passive aggressive behavior. You get angry at the wrong people, people who don’t deserve your wrath.

These repressed emotions also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, stroke, and heart attacks. In short, wimpiness is bad for you and destructive to your health and happiness.

KEY: For a meaningful, happy and healthy life, you must learn to be appropriately assertive.  

So what can you do? How do you stop being a wimp?

Identify your most cherished values

What do I value?

With what degree of certainty?

Which values am I willing to publicly declare?

What ones am I willing to die for?

And most importantly, what values am I willing to live for?

Once you’ve identified your values, then you must figure out how consistent your words are with your actions. In other words, do you act in a manner that’s consistent with your values?

The more authentic you are, the better life you lead. Authenticity means that your values are consistent with your words, feelings and actions. The greater the consistency between your internal world and your external world, the more authenticity you have.

Values guide the whole thing, your whole life.  Values give you a decision-making framework.

KEY: Values are MOST important when you are under duress.

Values are critical when you are stressed out, depressed, irritable and under the gun. However, in order for them to be any use to you at all, you have to know your top 5 values by rote. Values have to be automatic, unconscious, repeated over and over until they are known by heart. It’s not enough to look at them once or twice a year. Infrequent value visits are not enough to sear them into your long-term memory.

To get you started, a list of the top  35 values that exist throughout the world is available free of charge at the Articles page at Guide To Self. This is a list of values drawn from work by the top values researchers on the planet!

Figure Out How You Want Others to Treat You

If you want other people to treat you differently, you need to know how you want to be treated. Do you want your wife to stop yelling at you? Do you want more respect from your husband? Do you want your boss to speak to you in an indoor tone of voice? Do you want your children to help pick up the house?

The first step is to figure out exactly what it is you want. Look at what is making you angry or irritated throughout the day. Make a mental note of each thing. Then figure out what you’d like to change in each relationship in your life. Where are you being taken advantage of?  What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? The first step is to unearth the answers to these questions. This is easier said than done for many of us!

Ask for What You Want

After you have figured out how you want to be treated, then ask for it. This step takes courage, yet it gets easier the more you do it. And it’s really not as hard as you believe it is. You must learn to express yourself, the real you; what you truly want; how you truly feel, if you want to be treated with more respect. When you learn to state how you feel and what you want, your whole life will begin to change for the better. When you are asking for what you want, be as specific as possible. Keep it as short as possible and hold that thought in your mind, that way you can hold onto it even in the midst of an emotionally-charged conversation.

To stop being a wimp, act with courage. It may feel awkward at first. Every new behavior feels a little strange at first. Most new behaviors take roughly 8 weeks to take hold. After eight weeks, the authentic communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs will fit like a glove and you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t done it sooner.

Practice Saying ‘No’

Many of us have gotten in a dangerous habit of saying ‘yes’ to everyone and everything. However, it’s merely a bad habit which can be changed. If you have trouble with saying ‘No’, if that is too uncomfortable, simply use the phrase, ‘I’ll think about it.’  This is just a temporary stop-gap. It buys you time. Using the phrase ‘I’ll think about it’ will hold off the other party for a time, but it raises your anxiety because you are only delaying giving a final answer.

So realize that the ultimate goal is to be able to say “No” with a clear conscience. You have a right to say “No” to any request that comes your way. You have an obligation to take care of yourself first and foremost.

Learn to Love Change

The next step in becoming more assertive is to learn to love change. As you begin to live by your values and become more assertive, your relationships will change. You are going to make some changes to your life and the way in which you interact with other people. In addition, the only unchanging thing in this life is the fact that change will be constant. The best you can do is learn to love it.

Identify What Makes You Afraid – Then Go After It

Many of us wimps have created massive fears over what will happen if we DO say “No.” We get into catastrophic, all-or-nothing negative thinking. Most often, these are irrational fears that have been blown up to monstrous proportions. Odds are that none of these things will actually happen if you stand up and rightly assert yourself.

Remember to challenge your fears, your negative Gremlin thinking. Don’t let them go by without speaking back to them. Check them against reality. Check your thoughts out with other people. Find out what people you trust have to say about the matter.

Assertiveness is NOT the same as aggressiveness. You don’t have to be rude or impolite to be assertive. You don’t have to attack someone to let them know of your thoughts and your feelings. You have the right to stand up for your rights. You have the God-given right to say “No” and to take proper care of yourself. Each and every one of us has rights. And you have the right to stand up and ask for what you want and need. The worst that can happen is that they say “No. You can’t have that.”

In any case, you need to know what makes your life worth living. And THEN you have to stand up for it. Ask for it. Fight for it. Work towards it. Pay attention to it. You have to know what you want before you can be assertive. If you don’t know, you can’t ask.

In closing, keep in mind that assertiveness requires some courage.

Courage only exists when you feel some degree of fear.

The act of overcoming your fear is known as courage. 

Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner despite possible adverse consequences.

Think of assertiveness on a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. Assertiveness usually varies by situation. It is environment-specific.

The ultimate goal is to learn how to be suitably assertive without using intimidation to get what you want.

About the Author
John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

 John Schinnerer Ph.D. is in private practice helping men master their emotions in the beautiful San Ramon Valley in California. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, CA 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology (so he’s smart!). He has been an executive and psychologist for over 14 years.  John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control (so he’s no longer an emotional idiot!). He has hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area (so he has a sense of humor!).  He has served as President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants (so he’s been successful in business!). His areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. He wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com (so he’s highly regarded - at least by some!).  

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28. July 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Here is a new video I made yesterday to help folks move from angry to content in less than 3 minutes. Please take a look and let me know your thoughts and feelings. Leave a comment down below if you enjoy it! I’ll make more.

Many thanks,

John

Posted in Emotion & productivity, San Ramon CA, Danville CA, National speakers, Resiliency, Assertiveness, Executive coach, Optimal Human Functioning, keys to happiness, Anger management therapy, Real Men Real Emotion, Men's feelings, Well-being, De-escalating anger, The human brain, Men's emotions, Social anxiety disorder, Tips to help anxiety, Emotional IQ, Life coach, Managing stress, Dr. John Schinnerer, Happiness, Depression, Anger Management, Subconscious mind, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Parenting, Counseling | Print | No Comments »

28. July 2010 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

People who apologize more earn higher salaries. That is the finding of a study done by Zogby International.

Zogby was asked by their client, The Pearl Outlet, to find out more about customers who were buying pearls as a way of apologizing. Apparently, customers were buying pearls for spouses, lovers, or significant others as a way to say “I’m sorry.”

Zogby polled nearly 8,000 men and women in the united States and what they discovered was staggering — people who sincerely apologize make more money.

Apology Numbers…

Individuals who make over $100,000 per year are almost two times as likely to say “I’m sorry” following a mistake or a disagreement than those who make $25,000 or less.

92% of those who earn more than $100,000 apologize when they feel they are at fault.

89% of individual who make between $100,000 and $75,000 are more likely to apologize after a mistake or argument

84% of those who earn between $75,000 and $50,000 report a willingness to apologize.

74% of those who make between $50,000 and $25,000 apologize readily

And only 52% of those who make less than $25,000 are open to apologizing regularly. 

It’s a near perfect predictor of how much money people make. This is a rarity - a strong relationship between income and human behavior.

So what does it mean?

The willingness to apologize is an indication of emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, which we know to be associated with leadership and executive performance.

What’s more, the relationship between asking for forgiveness and income indicates that highly successful individuals are open to making mistakes and learning from those mistakes. Successful people are willing to break some eggs to make an omelet.

The extension of this is that successful people are more likely to ask for forgiveness than for permission. They are willing to take calculated risks which have a high probability of paying off in the future.

The other possible interpretation is that successful individuals are more comfortable in who they are, more self-assured, and thus, are less likely to get defensive when things go badly. They are strong enough to take the blame when they are wrong while realizing that they will persevere despite adverse circumstances.

If you want to read more about learning how to apologize and forgive, visit the articles section at www.GuideToSelf.com.

Latest news! There is a new Guide To Self Video Blog on free anger management classes by John at http://drjohnsblog.wordpress.com. Sign up for details and emails at the home page http://www.GuideToSelf.com.

About John Schinnerer Ph.D.

John Schinnerer is in private practice helping people learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps clients discover optimal human functioning via positive psychology. His offices are in Danville, California. He graduated from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. John has been an executive, speaker and psychologist for over 10 years. He is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches executives to happiness and success using the latest in positive psychology. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a daily prime time radio show, in the SF Bay Area.  His areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to anger management, to executive coaching. He wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com. His blog, Shrunken Mind, was recently recognized as one of the top 3 in positive psychology on the web (http://drjohnblog.guidetoself.com).

Posted in Alamo CA, Optimal Human Functioning, Executive coach, San Ramon CA, Well-being, De-escalating anger, Apologies, Anger management therapy, Happiness and Income, Emotion & productivity, Danville CA, Guide to Self, Life coach, Dr. John Schinnerer, Forgiveness, Tips to help anxiety, Emotional management, Relationships, Organizational psychology, Men's emotions, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

22. July 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Happiness is … being healthy, wealthy and wise

Adrian White, Analytic Social Psychologist at the University of Leicester produces first ever global projection of international differences in subjective well-being; the first ever World Map of Happiness.

UK 41st out of 178 countries for happiness.

Happiness is found to be most closely associated with health, followed by wealth and then education.

A University of Leicester psychologist has produced the first ever ‘world map of happiness.’

Adrian White, an analytic social psychologist at the University’s School of Psychology, analysed data published by UNESCO, the CIA, the New Economics Foundation, the WHO, the Veenhoven Database, the Latinbarometer, the Afrobarometer, and the UNHDR, to create a global projection of subjective well-being: the first world map of happiness.

The projection, which is to be published in a psychology journal this September, will be presented at a conference later in the year. Participants in the various studies were asked questions related to happiness and satisfaction with life. The meta-analysis is based on the findings of over 100 different studies around the world, which questioned 80,000 people worldwide. For this study data has also been analysed in relation to health, wealth and access to education.

Whilst collecting data on subjective well-being is not an exact science, the measures used are very reliable in predicting health and welfare outcomes. It can be argued that whilst these measures are not perfect they are the best we have so far, and these are the measures that politicians are talking of using to measure the relative performance of each country.

The researchers have argued that regular testing as a collaboration between academics in different countries would enable us to track changes in happiness, and what events may cause that. For example what effect would a war, or famine, or national success have on a country’s members’ happiness. .

Adrian White said: “The concept of happiness, or satisfaction with life, is currently a major area of research in economics and psychology, most closely associated with new developments in positive psychology. It has also become a feature in the current political discourse in the UK.

“There is increasing political interest in using measures of happiness as a national indicator in conjunction with measures of wealth. A recent BBC survey found that 81% of the population think the Government should focus on making us happier rather than wealthier.

“It is worth remembering that the UK is doing relatively well in this area, coming 41st out of 178 nations.

“Further analysis showed that a nation’s level of happiness was most closely associated with health levels (correlation of .62), followed by wealth (.52), and then provision of education (.51).

“The three predictor variables of health, wealth and education were also very closely associated with each other, illustrating the interdependence of these factors.

“There is a belief that capitalism leads to unhappy people. However, when people are asked if they are happy with their lives, people in countries with good healthcare, a higher GDP per captia, and access to education were much more likely to report being happy.

“We were surprised to see countries in Asia scoring so low, with China 82nd, Japan 90th and India 125th. These are countries that are thought as having a strong sense of collective identity which other researchers have associated with well-being.

“It is also notable that many of the largest countries in terms of population do quite badly. With China 82nd, India 125th and Russia 167th it is interesting to note that larger populations are not associated with happy countries.”

“The frustrations of modern life, and the anxieties of the age, seem to be much less significant compared to the health, financial and educational needs in other parts of the World. The current concern with happiness levels in the UK may well be a case of the ‘worried well’.”

The 20 happiest nations in the World are:

1. Denmark 
2. Switzerland 
3. Austria 
4. Iceland 
5. The Bahamas 
6. Finland 
7. Sweden 
8. Bhutan 
9. Brunei 
10. Canada 
11. Ireland 
12. Luxembourg 
13. Costa Rica 
14. Malta 
15. The Netherlands 
16. Antigua and Barbuda 
17. Malaysia 
18. New Zealand 
19. Norway 
20. The Seychelles

Other notable results include:

23. USA 
35. Germany 
41. UK 
62. France 
82. China 
90. Japan 
125. India 
167. Russia

The three least happy countries were:

176. Democratic Republic of the Congo 
177. Zimbabwe 
178. Burundi

###

To view an interactive version of the map, download a .EPS format for publication, or to view extra information visit:http://www.le.ac.uk/pc/aw57/world/sample.html. High Definition Formats are available from University of Leicester press office: email pressoffice@le.ac.uk

Use of the map is subject to the credit line “Adrian White, Analytic Social Psychologist, University of Leicester. The data used to construct the map were extracted from a meta-analysis published by the New Economics Foundation (Marks, N. et al. (2006). The Happy Planet Index. London: New Economics Foundation).”

 From EurekAlert!

Posted in International Wellbeing Study, Emotion & productivity, Danville CA, Curiosity, Optimal Human Functioning, San Francisco Bay Area, Happiness and Income, Pursuing Purpose, Well-being, Gratitude, Altruism, Life coach, Creativity, Dr. John Schinnerer, Guide to Self, Happiness, Resiliency, Men's emotions, Emotional mind, Forgiveness | Print | No Comments »

21. July 2010 by John Schinnerer.

July 20, 2010

Those ubiquitous wires connecting listeners to you-name-the-sounds from invisible MP3 players — whether of Bach, Miles Davis or, more likely today, Lady Gaga — only hint at music’s effect on the soul throughout the ages.

Now a data-driven review by Northwestern University researchers that will be published July 20 in Nature Reviews Neuroscience pulls together converging research from the scientific literature linking musical training to learning that spills over to skills including language, speech, memory, attention and even vocal emotion. The science covered comes from labs all over the world, from scientists of varying scientific philosophies, using a wide range of research methods.

The explosion of research in recent years focusing on the effects of music training on the nervous system, including the studies in the review, have strong implications for education, said Nina Kraus, lead author of the Nature perspective, the Hugh Knowles Professor of Communication Sciences and Neurobiology and director of Northwestern’s Auditory Neuroscience Laboratory.

Scientists use the term neuroplasticity to describe the brain’s ability to adapt and change as a result of training and experience over the course of a person’s life. The studies covered in the Northwestern review offer a model of neuroplasticity, Kraus said. The research strongly suggests that the neural connections made during musical training also prime the brain for other aspects of human communication.

An active engagement with musical sounds not only enhances neuroplasticity, she said, but also enables the nervous system to provide the stable scaffolding of meaningful patterns so important to learning.

“The brain is unable to process all of the available sensory information from second to second, and thus must selectively enhance what is relevant,” Kraus said. Playing an instrument primes the brain to choose what is relevant in a complex process that may involve reading or remembering a score, timing issues and coordination with other musicians.

“A musician’s brain selectively enhances information-bearing elements in sound,” Kraus said. “In a beautiful interrelationship between sensory and cognitive processes, the nervous system makes associations between complex sounds and what they mean.” The efficient sound-to-meaning connections are important not only for music but for other aspects of communication, she said.

The Nature article reviews literature showing, for example, that musicians are more successful than non-musicians in learning to incorporate sound patterns for a new language into words. Children who are musically trained show stronger neural activation to pitch changes in speech and have a better vocabulary and reading ability than children who did not receive music training.

And musicians trained to hear sounds embedded in a rich network of melodies and harmonies are primed to understand speech in a noisy background. They exhibit both enhanced cognitive and sensory abilities that give them a distinct advantage for processing speech in challenging listening environments compared with non-musicians.

Children with learning disorders are particularly vulnerable to the deleterious effects of background noise, according to the article. “Music training seems to strengthen the same neural processes that often are deficient in individuals with developmental dyslexia or who have difficulty hearing speech in noise.”

Currently what is known about the benefits of music training on sensory processing beyond that involved in musical performance is largely derived from studying those who are fortunate enough to afford such training, Kraus said.

The research review, the Northwestern researchers conclude, argues for serious investing of resources in music training in schools accompanied with rigorous examinations of the effects of such instruction on listening, learning, memory, attention and literacy skills.

“The effect of music training suggests that, akin to physical exercise and its impact on body fitness, music is a resource that tones the brain for auditory fitness and thus requires society to re-examine the role of music in shaping individual development,” the researchers conclude.

More information: “Music training for the development of auditory skills,” by Nina Kraus and Bharath Chandrasekaran, will be published July 20 in the journal Nature Reviews Neuroscience.

Provided by Northwestern University (web)

Posted in Memory and recall, Executive coach, Emotion & productivity, Visual Attention, Optimal Human Functioning, Men's feelings, Well-being, San Francisco Bay Area, Danville CA, Emotion & learning, Happiness, Life coach, Creativity, The human brain, Mindfulness, Music psychology, Awareness, Dr. John Schinnerer | Print | No Comments »