20. January 2010 by John Schinnerer.

A reprint of a useful and classic column written in 2006…

Guide To Self – Latest Methods for Dealing with Sadness
Dr. John Schinnerer
Guide To Self Life Coaching

A great day to you and welcome to Guide To Self where you learn the latest ways to deal with sadness!

As many of you know, my wife and I recently had our fourth child, a girl named Molly Marie. She is now six weeks old which means we’ve gone six weeks without much sleep. My wife and I are exhausted. The other three children are jealous to one degree or another. And my mood recently took a nosedive.

So today, I’m going to share with you steps you can take to defeat depression, sadness, a funk or whatever you want to call it.

Sadness is Different for Men than for Women

Be aware that sadness takes different shapes. Typically, sadness appears as anger and irritability in men and comes out as sorrow and melancholy in women. So it looks different when I get down from when my wife gets down. I tend to get more irritable and less patient. I feel overwhelmed more easily. I have a harder time staying in the present moment. My thoughts take me to the past or the future more quickly. My energy level is low. My body aches more. And I get less joy out of my daily routines.

So I want to share with you what exactly is going on in my life. I want to make you aware of what it takes to cause a road bump in my emotional path. I told you about not sleeping well for six weeks due to the baby. That’s a big one. Sleep disturbance is enough to mess up anyone’s mood. In my case, lack of sleep led to a cold and sore throat.

On top of that, I’m not a wealthy man. In fact, nearly the opposite, I’m in debt. I have not made money doing this radio show. So I pay for the privilege of sharing my knowledge with listeners. Roughly 2 hours per day are spent preparing for the show. I book my own guests. I write my own scripts. I respond to emails and letters.

Also, I’m currently in charge of two companies. I’m working on corporate taxes which I don’t particularly enjoy.

I see several clients daily for coaching where I deal with other people’s problems most of the day.

I’m trying to find the time to finish two books.

At night, once the children are in bed, I add radio shows to the website and do the programming.

My wife is now back to work 3 days per week as a hairdresser. This means that two mornings a week, with the help of a nanny, I juggle a newborn and a 5-year-old.

My house is partially torn up due to a contractor who left the job half-finished. So we’re now in the process of drawing up new plans and finding a new contractor.

Right now, it feels as if every relationship in my life is consuming my energy. And I’m running on empty. So I’ve been exhausted and bummed out the last couple of days.

So what do I do?

How does a psychologist break out of a funk?

I’ll tell you how. Dealing with sadness that stays with you for a few days or weeks may require a lifestyle change for you – it’s about dealing with your whole person – diet, exercise, faith, mind and relationships.

Top Ways to Deal with Sadness

First, I never stop exercising. Even when my mind is trying to find a way out of it, I will at least walk for 20 minutes. It’s critical that you exercise twenty minutes a day for mood and longer than that if you want to lose weight. This can be as simple as climbing the stairs at work twice a day, or walking for 20 minutes. When I’m working out, I will think about getting rid of all my fear and anger. Exercise is one of the best ways to work negative emotions out of your body.

Second, I remind myself of what is truly important by determining what is really important and what is not. How do I do this? I ask myself the question, “Will this matter a year from now?” Most of the time, the answer is “No, it won’t matter.” It’s one of the ways we can learn to be less emotionally reactive and more thoughtfully proactive. If you’re like me, you have to train yourself to behave in healthy ways because most people did not learn these tricks growing up. So you need to retrain your brain. As you learn to respond more effectively to minor inconveniences, it leaves you more positive energy to respond to actual crises. This is known to many as wisdom - the ability to deal well with your own suffering as well as help others with theirs.

Third, I focus on everything for which I am grateful – my wife, my children, my dog, my friends, my coworkers, my God, my health and so on. It is critical that you learn how to appreciate life. Life is a gift that has been granted to us. The more we appreciate and cherish the gift, the more we understand what a magical journey life is. Your thoughts matter tremendously in this equation of emotion.

A study done at NIMH focused on the power of thought and emotion. The brain activity of ten normal women was monitored under 3 different conditions.

The researcher recorded each person’s brain activity when they were thinking neutral thoughts, happy thoughts, and sad thoughts.

During the neutral thoughts, nothing changed in the brain.

During the happy thoughts, the limbic system, or the emotional brain, cooled down, and became less active resulting in a more relaxed and energized state.

During the sad thoughts, the limbic system, the emotional brain, became aroused and active which has negative effects on your body – tense muscles, quickened heart rate, perspiration and so on.

Think about the last time you felt happy. How did your body feel? Your muscles relax, your hands become dry, your heart rate slows, and you breathe more deeply. Your body reacts to EVERY FEELING YOU HAVE! This is proof that your emotions matter!

Fourth, welcome the feeling of sadness. It is there for a reason. There is a message or lesson involved in the emotion. Your job is to figure the message out. Once you’ve accepted the feeling, let it go, breathe it out. Emotions are meant to be temporary.

One of my main difficulties growing up was that I could sense or pick up the emotions of other people. I was intuitive even as a little child. The problem is that no one teaches you what to do with that emotional energy. And it’s very draining.

I used to think of myself as a container for negative emotions such as anger, sadness and fear. What I found is that thinking of yourself as a container for emotions is not a healthy way to picture it. It’s much more helpful to think of yourself as a net which catches positive emotions and allows negative emotions to pass through. Keep in mind that these are just emotions. Emotions are not permanent. They are not intended to remain with us. They are just passing through.

Fifth, as the human brain is easily altered, I change the music I listen to. Once I have made up my mind to change my mood, I purposefully listen to upbeat lively music. I watch only comedies. Realize that your brain is incredibly open to suggestion. Not only can music and television alter your brain, as I mentioned, your very thoughts and feelings have the ability to change the physical make-up of your brain.

You have to be cautious what you expose yourself too. Your senses take in over 4 billion bits of information per second. You are only consciously aware of 2,000 of those bits per second. This means that your mind is constantly taking in seeds and you are not even aware of it – overhearing conversations, televisions playing in the background, commercials you try to ignore, music lyrics and so on. So your emotional state, your thoughts, your judgments all have a tremendous effect on what information you are consciously aware of.

When you are touched, you have a physical sensation. When you feel an emotion, you also have a physical sensation in your body. Every physical sensation, every thought, every feeling is written into your brain. The more times you have it, the more deeply it is written into your brain. So the longer you spend immersed in sad feelings and morose thoughts, the more your body becomes accustomed to that state of being. The more your body becomes accustomed to it, the more it wants to remain there. The harder it is to break out. While you want to welcome the feeling and embrace it, you also want to breathe it out as soon as possible. Don’t spend too long wallowing in self-pity.

Sixth, work in sprints – go two hours and then break for ten minutes. Give yourself a break every two hours at least. Our brain works best that way. It’s difficult and less effective to work eight hours straight.

Seventh, stay in the present moment. Train your thoughts to stay focused on the present moment. When you find Gremlin thoughts coming to take you to the past or the future, redirect yourself to the right now and right here.

Eighth, stop using toxic elements. This includes alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, cocaine, nicotine and sugars. Caffeine and nicotine have been shown in brain studies to decrease overall blood flow to the brain, making most symptoms worsen over time. They also decrease the effectiveness of many medications and increase the number and severity of side effects. Most of the substances we reach for when sad act as central nervous system depressants anyway. When you’re already depressed, you don’t want to add fuel to the fire with alcohol or marijuana.

Ninth, add Omega-3 to your daily diet. Omega-3 stabilizes mood & improves overall brain functioning. Omega-3 fatty acids are essential fatty acids crucial for growth and development. My favorite, and one of the most studied nutrients, is the Omega-3 fatty acids. About 60% of the brain is made up of fats (lipids) that make up the lining of every brain cell. Omega-3s are required by the brain to an extraordinary degree. They cannot be produced by our bodies but must be ingested via diet or pills. They are found in large, fatty, cold water fish, olive oil, and canola oil. Omega-3s help turn down the ‘volume’ of communications between brain cells (similar to the action of a mood stabilizer). Documented benefits of Omega-3 oils include improved mood, clearer thinking, more serenity, better concentration and focus, and better vision.

Tenth, add B Vitamins and folate in particular to your supplement regimen. Published studies have shown a relationship between B vitamins and depression. Increasing levels of B vitamins are highly likely to improve your mood.

Eleventh, add ginseng. Ginseng is popularly touted as a way to beat stress, improve vigor and simply feel better. The main idea with ginseng is that it helps when your body is stressed. Stress occurs anytime you are challenged above and beyond what your body is used to. An Olympic skier won’t ski faster by taking ginseng. He’s used to that stress of exercise. A working mother of two kids won’t notice a difference. She’s accustomed to her daily routine. However, throw in a new baby, or an ill parent, and you’ve just spilled over into exhaustion. That’s when ginseng does make a difference - when you have to push beyond your limits to the point of exhaustion. Ginseng helps increase your resistance and prevent exhaustion.

Twelfth, breathe – I have covered deep breathing in previous shows. This is the deep diaphragmatic breathing where you breathe into your abdomen, not your chest. Focus on pushing out all of the air in your lungs. The goal is to fill your lungs 100% with fresh air on each breath.

Just as with your thoughts and feelings, you want to be constantly aware of your breathing every second of every day. Remember, we’ve already shown it is possible to split your conscious mind in two parts. One part you can use to tend to the daily demands of your life. The other part must be used to monitor your breathing, your thoughts and your feelings. With practice, it can be done.

Thirteenth, don’t isolate yourself. As much as you can, surround yourself with family and friends.

Fourteenth, go easier on yourself. Learn self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would a young child.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings. Picture yourself as a small child. Now picture yourself parenting yourself. Forgive yourself as you would like to have been forgiven as a child. Mistakes are merely learning opportunities. And learn to forgive others.

Let go of anger and disappointment by writing a letter forgiving the individual who has hurt you. Holding on to the anger only harms you. Forgiving enables you to move on and get past the hurt.

Fifteenth, return to nature. This is a great way to reconnect with your soul. Just take a few minutes, go outside, breathe in deeply, and look at the birds, the trees and the grass.

Sixteenth, get your sleep. Research has shown that adults need between 7 and 8 hours of sleep. Adolescents need 9 to 9 1/2 hours per night. No more, no less. If you are too far on either side, you are playing with fire. Sleep too little you risk exhaustion. Sleep too much, you risk lethargy and depression.

Seventeenth, do something for someone else. Altruism is perhaps the most powerful way to snap your mind out of a funk. Focus on someone besides yourself.

To sum up, there are at least fifteen things you can do immediately to pull yourself up and out of a funk. These include taking supplements such as Omega-3 fatty acids, B vitamins, and ginseng, getting your 8 hours of sleep, daily exercise, staying in the present moment, and more. Remember to welcome the feelings that you have. Don’t repress them. That leads to physical troubles such as high blood pressure and heart disease. Rather, be aware of them, listen to them, and let them go. Think of yourself as a net through which emotions pass and not as a container for feelings.

More information on sadness and depression and ways to overcome them may be found at the Guide To Self website at http://www.guidetoself.com.

Guide To Self(C) 2005-10.

Posted in Physician burnout, Hope, Altruism, Resiliency, Men's emotions, Relationships, Gratitude, Overcoming failure, Executive coach, Optimal Human Functioning, Sleep research, San Ramon CA, National speakers, Danville CA, Alexithymia, Managing Sadness, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Guide to Self, Life coach, Managing stress, Dr. John Schinnerer, Happiness, Depression, Anger Management, Dealing with loss, Managing Anxiety, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

7. November 2008 by John Schinnerer.

Today I’m sharing a post from a positive psychology listserv I subscribe to. It’s from a psychologist in Belgium, James Meredith Day. His writing does an excellent job describing the hope and optimism felt throughout the world after Barack Obama was elected Tuesday.

‘Polls across Europe, where I live, in the months preceding the U.S. presidential election showed voters in Germany, The Netherlands, and France to be as well informed on the issues confronting American voters, and the major candidates’ views on these, as were those who intended to vote in the U.S.A. The preference here was 86 per cent for Obama, 9 per cent for McCain, and the rest were for ‘other.’ Wednesday, when I took two of my children to our local Belgian school, I was greeted with jubilation, smiles, even warm embraces by neighbors and fellow parents, from people representing more than 15 different countries, from Japan, to Vietnam, to the European democracies, expressing their relief, and congratulations on the election of Senators Obama and Biden. Two messages came through over and over again: 1. At long last you have shown the world that America can’t be reduced to questions of brute power and money, and have done something to correct the image of a hypocritical, dishonest, arrogant, and inept party and administration; 

2. You have done something we in Europe have not yet done; electing a candidate issued from an immigrant family, of color, who in a short time gravitated to and was rewarded in the most elite of your educational institutions (People here are well aware Obama graduated from both Columbia and Harvard).  This is the America we WANT to look up to, and have as a leading partner in the family of nations. Wearing my Obama button on the street since, I have been greeted by perfect strangers on the metro, tram, bus, expressing the same sentiments. In Germany, the two national stations carried all-night coverage of the election.  Public radio in all the major countries here did the same. Millions of people here stayed up all night to keep track of what was going on, and when the results were announced, there were quite literally celebrations in the streets. 

Prior to this election the confidence in the U.S. had fallen to its lowest rating since the end of WW II.  Our country was regarded as a greater threat to the world’s environment and stability than a guarantor or force for good.’

- James Meredith Day

What an opportunity to promote hope and realistic optimism, not only here in America, but throughout the world.

Personally, I was thrilled at Tuesday’s presidential election results on a number of levels. Regardless of how things proceed from here, Obama’s win provides a number of disenfranchised groups with hope and optimism. And I believe every one of us could use a little more hope and optimism these days.

Let us do our best to continue the positive emotional momentum sparked by the election results. Let us proceed with open minds, warm hearts, a willingness to listen to those with whom we disagree, and helping hands.We are human beings.  We are resilient.

We don’t just roll.We bounce.

Dr. John Schinnerer Dr. John Schinnerer is opening up a private practice to help young and old men manage destructive emotions, such as anger, fear, anxiety and sadness. The practice opens November 15, 2008. The address is 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., Suite 280, Danville, CA 94526. You can contact Dr. Schinnerer for more info at Info@GuideToSelf.com.

Posted in Managing Anxiety, Anger Management, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Depression, Parenting, Dealing with loss, Managing Sadness, The human brain, Resiliency, Men's emotions, Alexithymia, Consciousness, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Happiness, Life coach, Guide to Self, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Realistic optimism, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Social phobia, Tips to help anxiety, Nervousness, Social anxiety disorder, Staying calm, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

22. May 2006 by John Schinnerer.

Dealing with Tragedy
Dr. John Schinnerer
Guide To Self, Inc.
(925) 944-3440

Mary Tyler Moore said, “Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.”

As one of my professors at Cal, Dr. Nadine Lambert, died unexpectedly recently, I’ve been dealing with my own grief.

These are some notes I made to myself when thinking about how best to deal with sudden or unexpected tragedy or trauma.

How do you get through the painful emotions? How do you deal with the negative thoughts? How do you go forward? Here’s some thoughts…

Sense of Control

It comes down to controlling what you can. You will feel better to the extent that you can control the environment around you. To help alleviate feelings of helplessness, create an emergency plan for your family. If you already have one, revisit it. Be sure to include your children in on this as it gives them a greater sense of control. Gather supplies such as bottled water, flashlight, radio and so on and store them in an air tight garbage can. Gathering supplies and focusing on an emergency plan does two things – it helps restore your feeling of control and it distracts you from dwelling on negative and depressing thoughts.

One of the keys to managing your emotions is to distract yourself. Do things that are fun for you – exercising, reading, watch a comedy, go for a walk, enjoy nature, play with your kids.

When you notice your thoughts returning to the tragedy, gently redirect them to a memory of when you were happy and felt safe. I recommend to my clients to take mental snapshots of times when they are happy such as when they are playing in the back yard running through the sprinkler with their children. Then you can return to these mental pictures during stressful times.

Breathe

Another key is to breathe deeply. Breathe into your abdomen or stomach area, not your chest. Focus on exhaling out ALL of the air in your lungs with each breath and filling your lungs completely with each inhale.

Journal

And still another key is to journal. Studies have shown that journaling helps reduce intrusive thoughts, which are negative thoughts that come into your head unwanted. Journaling helps to get rid of these which will improve your mood.

Exercise

Keep your physical body in good shape in general to provide you with maximum energy. Staying in good physical shape gives you a greater sense of control of the environment around you. As we discussed earlier, a lot of the emotions that come up, arise due to a feeling of things being out of control. Having greater physical strength, greater flexibility, and more stamina all contribute to you having an increased sense of control over external events.

Also, for tragic events, when and if you get anxious, you may want to do activities that are relaxing such as yoga, meditation, walking, or stretching.

If you are angry or furious, any hearty physical activity such as jogging or swimming is a great way to work off strong negative emotions.

Soothing activities are helpful as well such as a shower or a warm bath.

You’ll want to avoid stimulants if you are anxious. Caffeine and sugar will increase your anxiety.

Other brief ideas:

Get back to your routine ASAP.

Help other people out. Best thing to do when you are down is focus your attention on helping others.

Symptoms of depression to watch out for:

In general, indicators of depression include changes in sleep habits – either too much or not enough, change in eating habits, significant weight gain or loss – more than approximately 5% body weight in a month, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, withdrawal from family and friends, family history of depression and/or anxiety, giving away valued items, complete lack of emotion, irritability, sadness, apathy (i.e., “I don’t care.”) fatigue, diminished ability to think or concentrate, and/or recurring thoughts of death and dying.

In younger children, depression appears as sadness, frustration, tiredness and anger. Younger children may appear more visibly depressed than adolescents (teenagers) and experience more physical complaints (e.g., headaches, stomachaches, etc.), fears, anxiety and nervousness. Teenagers tend to express more hopelessness, lack of any emotion at all, excessive sleeping, weight changes, and increased alcohol and/or drug use.

Find the positive in the pain

I challenge you to find your own personal positive meaning in this tragedy.

What does it represent to you? A call to action? A reminder to get in better shape? A motivation to learn to manage your thoughts and feelings? A second chance? An opportunity to do things right this time?

What are you going to LEARN from this?

Don’t sit by and passively watch another senseless tragedy go by. Use this to improve yourself and the world around you.

As Gandhi said, “You must be the change that you wish to see in the world.” That means you start with one individual – you. And you start changing you by changing what is on the inside.

The main reason for sadness is to help you adjust to a significant loss, such as the death of a family member or loss of an old friend. Sadness allows time to grieve, look inward at who you are and what you are doing with your life, and understand the meaning of the loss. One of the most important things is to figure out the meaning of the loss. The particular meaning you assign to the loss matters less than merely coming up with a meaning, any meaning for the loss. You are happier to the extent that you find a positive meaning in past events and relationships.

Just like anger builds upon itself, sadness builds upon sadness. So if your first sad thought is followed by more sad thoughts, you risk a downward spiral.
All emotion is meant to be temporary. Emotions are not permanent. They are merely passing by. You are better off to the extent that you can release them through deep breathing, exercise or journaling.

Snowball analogy for your thoughts

Imagine a snowball rolling down a large snow-covered mountain. At first, the snowball is the size of your fist, something you could easily pick up and control. However, as the snowball rolls down the hill, it picks up speed and grows exponentially. After a few yards, the snowball has increased in size to the point where you can no longer handle it by yourself. Given the right conditions, the snowball can grow to mammoth size and could cause damage to other people.

The snowball is exactly the same as our feelings. Each feeling starts out tiny and manageable. However, if you are not paying attention, the feeling grows and quickly becomes uncontrollable. In fact you only have about ½ a second to interrupt the process of negative emotions. However, it’s doable. You can do it. I’ll tell you how.
The most important thing in controlling negative emotions is nipping them in the bud. You have to tune in to your body’s cues. Your body will tell you when you are beginning to get angry, for instance. Blood rushes to your fists, your face may get red, your muscles tense, breathing becomes shallow, your jaw clenches, your eyebrows furrow and so on. We need to begin to tune in to these cues. You only have a split second in which you can interrupt the cycle of anger. Otherwise the anger builds upon itself and spirals out of control. So the first tip is to become more aware of your bodily cues. Every emotion has cues which reveal how we are feeling. Fear triggers blood flowing to the arms and legs, perspiration, raised eyebrows, and a constriction of the throat. Sadness is marked primarily by a drop in energy, tears welling up, and the longing for that which is gone. The trick is to tune into these cues quickly and interrupt the cycle.

The second tip is to understand that negative emotions are created in large part by your interpretation of the situation around you. So you can learn to change your interpretation of the world around you. Here’s one way to do this.

In stressful situations, ask yourself, “Will this matter ten years from now?” In most cases the answer is no, it won’t. If the answer is Yes, then ask yourself, “What can I do to help find a constructive solution to the problem?”

Some more quick tips to put a smile on your face:

Breathe deeply.

Take a bath or shower.

Get out in nature.

Refocus your mind on positive thoughts.

Force yourself to smile in the shower. Info in the brain travels in both directions.

And remember that this too will pass. While it may seem life-shattering now, life will improve, a smile will eventually return to your face, and you will be free to love again. When you get down, maintain a long-term perspective (e.g, view the event in terms of your entire lifespan). And never, never, never give up.

Goodbye, Nadine. You’ll be missed.

All the best,

Dr. John

Guide To Self, Inc. (C) 2005-06

Copyright 2005-06 Guide To Self, John Schinnerer, PhD.

Posted in Rational mind, Depression, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Emotional mind, Emotional management, Managing Sadness, Dealing with loss, Infinet Assessment, Happiness, Realistic optimism, Forgiveness, Positive Psychology, Dr. John Schinnerer, Life coach, Emotional IQ, Guide to Self, Counseling | Print | No Comments »