By Dr. John Schinnerer
One of the best ways to heal from pain and deal with the vicissitudes of life is laughter. Over the years, I have made a conscious decision to be quicker to laugh; to be more open to poking fun at my self and to seeing the humor that is all around me. And research has shown the benefits to doing so are massive – less depression, less anxiety, better cardiovascular health, higher quality relationships and more satisfaction with life.
One of the ways I’ve cultivated more laughter is by going to see live improv comedy as often as I am able. I’ve been to see Whose Line is It Anyway live several times. I go to stand up comedy clubs. I seek out top of the line comedians like Kevin Hart, Christopher Titus, Louis C.K. Sarah Silverman and more. I’ll even go with my teenage children to watch improv at their high school. The last time I went, I was really amazed how often I laughed at the teenagers – teens who had little comedic training or experience. And this made me wonder, “How do improv actors build on other actors’ lines to create laughter?”
The answer is that improv relies on building upon whatever the last person who spoke provides you.
Imagine you are on stage performing improv comedy: It is your turn to speak next in a ridiculous scene where you are at a dentist trying to numb up a patient with a shot of novocaine. The patient is nervously waiting for the shot and asks you how often you use the laughing gas. For improv to be successful and funny, you must build on that premise. You don’t question it. You don’t negate any part of the scene. You build upon it. So, one possibility is to tell the patient that you had a large dose of laughing gas that morning and you begin to act drunk; shooting the novocaine into your own arm, and then your leg, and then you have a numb arm and leg (a la the classic Carol Burnett sketch). The main rule is that you build upon what came before.
This is seen in daily language as “Yes, and.”
“Yes, I hear you, AND have you tried this?”
“Yes, I would like to go to the movies, AND I’d like to see a comedy.”
This approach draws other people closer to you, gets you engaged in life and generates stories which you can share with others, particularly when you say yes to fun activities with friends and family that lay just on the other side of your comfort zone.
On the other hand, one of the thoughts that fuels depression and pessimism is ‘Yea, but…” I hear this frequently with certain clients who are anxious, angry or depressed. For example…
“Yea, but I’ve tried all those things.”
“Yea, but that will never work for me.”
“Yea, but I could never do that.”
“Yea, but that’s too much work.”
As I’m teaching certain clients proven tools that could alleviate their suffering, they are ‘yea, butting’ me. This error in thinking prevents people from actually trying new tools which could improve their lives. It shuts down the flow of ideas. It kills conversations. And it keeps people safely in their comfort zone. Unfortunately, real personal growth only happens outside of the comfort zone.
Here are some examples of better ways to reframe these ‘Yea, but…’ statements:
“Yes, I tried that before. And perhaps I didn’t grasp it entirely. I’m going to try it again!”
“I haven’t had much success with that. And I know people don’t always learn on the first try. I’m open to another attempt.”
“I haven’t done that in the past. However, what I’ve done in the past hasn’t worked so well for me. Let me try something different. I’ll give it a shot!”
“It seems like that will take some work. And no change has ever come without effort and perseverance. I’ll try it!”
In the 2008 comedy, Yes Man, Jim Carrey plays Carl, an introverted, pessimistic single guy with a dead end loan officer job (the ‘Yea, but’ guy). Carl hides from life and friends in his apartment until he attends a personal growth seminar with a ‘Yes Guru,’ Terrance. Carl makes a reluctant ‘covenant’ with Terrance to say ‘Yes’ at every opportunity. And this simple change to ‘Yes, and’ transforms his life. Carl has a series of adventures which make his life more interesting and fulfilling – even when the story isn’t altogether pleasant. When life hands you an invitation, accept the invitation.
Life is all about the story. Today’s story may be good or it may be bad. Regardless, it’s an interesting, emotionally-compelling story to share with those you love. And stories are the main way in which we connect with others. And connection is key.
So try saying ‘Yes, and’ to life. Pay attention to what you say for a week. When you hear ‘Yea, but’ change it to ‘Yes, and’. It takes practice. It will push you out of your comfort zone. This one tiny change has lead to impressive improvement in the lives of many of my clients. Try ‘Yes, and’ for yourself for one week. Be a Yes Man (or a Yes Woman). Your future self will thank you for it down the road as you will be significantly more satisfied and happier with life.