Anger Management 101: New Study Shows How Forgiveness and Prayer Can Reduce Rage

2. February 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Anger Management: How Prayer And Forgiveness Can Reduce Your Rage

John Schinnerer Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

www.GuideToSelf.com

 

There was some wild stuff happening on the court where I live recently.  Last Thursday, one of my neighbors accidentally backed her SUV up,

…out of her driveway

…across the street

… into our neighbor’s house

…going 60 mph.

She went through a row of 2-foot tall boulders in the garden, the concrete front step, and several support beams. Her car was completely in the neighbor’s house for a second.  

Panicked, the driver threw the car into drive and

sped out of the house

across the street

into her own garage door,

into the car parked in her garage,

and buckled the side wall.  

Shortly after the sheriff, fire and ambulance arrived; there was a Channel 4 KRON news truck. A Channel 7 news helicopter circled the court taking video footage from the air. Fortunately, no one was badly injured. 

As an interesting aside, it’s speculated that one lady would have died in the accident if it weren’t for a phone call from her church asking her to come down to volunteer for a couple hours. Had she not headed down to the church, she would have been right in the path of the oncoming car, paying bills, where she was shortly before the car exploded into her house.

The house was deemed uninhabitable and repairs are now underway. Yet, the destruction left behind by the accident was quickly followed by dark emotions – embarrassment, guilt, anger, shame, sadness, and dread.  The driver of the car stated yesterday ‘I don’t know if I’ll ever smile again.’  Meanwhile, her neighbor who lost many of her possessions said ‘A house is a thing. It can be replaced.’

All of us have made mistakes at some point in our lives. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has hurt, disappointed or betrayed the trust of someone we love.  That’s the world we live in. That’s what makes us human. We are not perfect. Life is messy and at times unfair. In my experience, this unfairness can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, sadness and anxiety.

One of the best methods I know to turn down the volume on such discomforting emotions is the daily practice of forgiveness. Most of my education on forgiveness has come courtesy of Fred Luskin, the former head of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, and author of Forgive For Good.

This morning I came across a new study from Psychological Science entitled ‘Motivating Change in Relationships: Can Prayer Increase Forgiveness?’ which looked at how prayer impacts our willingness to forgive. Since roughly 90% of Americans report praying at times, Florida State University psychologist Nathaniel Lambert wondered how prayer might impact forgiveness.

Lambert and his colleagues found that simply by praying a single prayer for one’s significant other led to decreased negative feelings after having been wronged. Forgiveness was defined as a decrease in the negative feelings that came up after one has been trespassed against. By the way, forgiveness does not imply that one approves of, or condones, the transgression. It is, simply put, the best way to dump out old, stale anger.

Participants who prayed were found to have fewer thoughts of revenge and less destructive emotions such as anger and resentment. These participants were more likely to forgive (yet not necessarily to forget) and move forward with their lives, unburdened by unproductive anger.

An old friend of mine used to say, for those who are unwilling to forgive prior offenses, ‘pray to be willing to be willing to forgive.’ Many times, this focus on being willing to be willing to forgive gives individuals the ability to forgive acts that were once thought to be unforgiveable.

Given the surprisingly powerful results of a single prayer, the next study Lambert did looked at what prayer might do if continued over a period of time.

In the next study, Lambert asked participants to pray for the well-being of a near and dear friend every day for a month.  On the other side, the control group was asked to merely reflect on the friendship, thinking positive thoughts but not praying specifically. Lambert looked at an additional construct in this study – the degree of selfless concern for other people in general. They found that daily prayer increased concern for others which strengthened the ability to forgive.

When we are getting along with friends and loved ones, the frequency and duration of our positive emotions increases. This bump in positive emotion, such as gratitude, pride, interest and love, makes it easier to think of others as well as ourselves. Positive emotions cause us to come together, to be more social, more open, and more giving.

When things get rocky in a relationship, as they are wont to do, negative emotions enter with greater frequency and intensity. This switches our internal focus to temporary goals that separate and alienate us from others. Temporary goals, such as revenge and meting out punishment, shift our attention from the group to the self.   This attentional shift to the self is difficult to shake as long as the negative emotions are there to fuel it. Prayer seems to shift focus from one’s self back to the group, which allows compassion to grow and resentments to die off.

As far as my neighbors go, a large dose of prayer, forgiveness and self-compassion will help alleviate the feelings of anger and loss. In many situations, forgiveness must take place on several levels to be effective – forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others, allowing others to forgive you, forgiveness of God for His part in allowing unjust situations, and allowing God to forgive you. In this way the rebuilding of relationships can be accelerated to match the speed of the reconstruction of the homes.

For more information on forgiveness, please check out the book, Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought or the article, Forgiveness: The Key to Releasing the Pain of Past Mistakes and Betrayals.

 

Author Bio:

John Schinnerer, Ph.D. is in private practice helping individuals learn happiness by mitigating destructive emotions and fostering constructive emotions. Using positive psychology, he helps clients achieve happy, thriving, meaningful lives. His practice is located in the Danville San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in educational psychology. John Schinnerer has been an executive and coach for over 12 years. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show on positive psychology, in the San Francisco Bay Area.   John Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to music psychology, to sports psychology. He wrote the award-winning, ‘Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,’ which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  He is currently collaborating with the University of New Zealand in a longitudinal positive psychology study called The International Wellbeing Study (www.wellbeingstudy.com). < -->

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Men Feel Too Little Guilt, Have Too Little Emotional Sensitivity Compared to Women Says New Study

27. January 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Reprinted from PsychCentral.com

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on January 26, 2010

 

Perrhaps a new finding is not a surprise to the millions who are following the Tiger Woods fiasco, but despite the rise in power and accomplishments of women, a research study from Spain finds men display less guilt and lower levels of sensitivity than women.

In the study, researchers discovered feelings of guilt are “significantly higher” among women. However, they determined the main problem is not that women feel a lot of guilt (which they do), but rather that many males feel “too little.”

“Our initial hypothesis was that feelings of guilt are more intense among females, not only among adolescents but also among young and adult women, and they also show the highest scores for interpersonal sensitivity,” Itziar Etxebarria, lead author of the study and a researcher at the University of the Basque Country (UPV/EHU) said.

The research, published in the Spanish Journal of Psychology, was carried out using a sample from three age groups (156 teenagers, 96 young people and 108 adults) equally divided between males and females.

The team of psychologists asked them what situations most often caused them to feel guilt. They also carried out interpersonal sensitivity tests – the Davis Empathetic Concern Scale, and a questionnaire on Interpersonal Guilt, created purposely for this study.

When it came to comparing the measurements of intensity of habitual guilt of these groups, the researchers saw that this score was significantly higher for women, in all three age groups. “This difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group”, points out Etxebarria.

The data also suggest that female teenagers and young women have higher scores than males of the same age. “This is caused by certain educational practices, which demand more of females, and which are sometimes still in use despite belief to the contrary,” claims the scientist.

The authors also found gender differences – similar to those noted for habitual guilt – in the two indices of interpersonal sensitivity, although in the 40-50 age bracket the men’s levels came closer to women’s.

The interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is “comparatively low.” The experts say a lack of sensitivity could lead to absence or excessive weakness of certain kinds of guilt, such as empathetic guilt, which could be beneficial for interpersonal relationships and for the individual.

Types of guilt

The most common forms of guilt are related to situations where we cause harm to others. Stemming from this, it is normal that this arouses feelings of empathy for the people we may have harmed, which tend to turn into feelings of guilt when we recognize that we are responsible for their suffering.

A previous study, also headed by Itziar Etxebarria, analyzes people’s experiences of guilt, differentiating two components – one of these being empathetic (sorrow for the person we have harmed in some way) and the other anxious-aggressive (unease and contained aggression).

The anxious-aggressive kind of guilt is more common in people who have been raised in a more blame-imposing environment, and who are governed by stricter rules about behavior in general and aggression in particular.

“It seems obvious that this component will be more intense among women, and especially in older women,” says Etxebarria.

The greater presence of this component among women, above all those aged between 40 and 50, explains the marked differences in the intensity of habitual guilt in this age group, “just at the age when males move towards females in the two indices of interpersonal sensitivity analyzed”, she explains.

“Educational practices and a whole range of socializing agents must be used to reduce the trend towards anxious-aggressive guilt among women and to strengthen interpersonal sensitivity among men”, concludes the researcher.

Source: FECYT - Spanish Foundation for Science and Technology

 Original article may be found here http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/01/26/sensitivity-feelings-of-guilt-low-in-men/10958.html 

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Bullying Bosses Driven By Feelings of Inadequacy and Being Overwhelmed - UC Berkeley Study

15. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

From ScienceDaily (Oct. 15, 2009) — ‘Bosses who are in over their heads are more likely to bully subordinates. That’s because feelings of inadequacy trigger them to lash out at those around them, according to new research from the University of California, Berkeley, and the University of Southern California.

 

In a new twist on the adage “power corrupts,” researchers at UC Berkeley and USC have found a direct link among supervisors and upper management between self-perceived incompetence and aggression. The findings, gleaned from four separate studies, are published in the November issue of the journal Psychological Science.

 

With more than one-third of American workers reporting that their bosses have sabotaged, yelled at or belittled them, the new study challenges previous assumptions that abusive bosses are solely driven by ambition and the need to hold onto their power.

 

“By showing when and why power leads to aggression, these findings are highly relevant as abusive supervision is such a pervasive problem in society,” said Nathanael Fast, assistant professor of management and organization at USC and lead author of the study.

 

During role-playing sessions, study participants who felt their egos were under threat would go so far as to needlessly sabotage an underling’s chances of winning money. In another test, participants who felt inadequate would request that a subordinate who gave a wrong answer to a test be notified by a loud obnoxious horn, even though they had the option of choosing silence or a quiet sound.

[snip]

 

“Incompetence alone doesn’t lead to aggression,” said Serena Chen, associate professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and co-author of the study. “It’s the combination of having a high-power role and fearing that one is not up to the task that causes power holders to lash out. And our data suggest it’s ultimately about self-worth.”

[snip]

 

That said, flattery may not be the best way to soothe a savage boss, the study points out: “It is both interesting and ironic to note that such flattery, although perhaps affirming to the ego, may contribute to the incompetent power holder’s ultimate demise — by causing the power holder to lose touch with reality,” the study concludes.

---

Journal reference:

1.      Nathanael J. Fast, Serena Chen. When the Boss Feels Inadequate: Power, Incompetence, and Aggression. Psychological Science, 2009; DOI: 10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02452.x

 

University of California - Berkeley (2009, October 15). Bosses Who Feel Inadequate Are More Likely To Bully. ScienceDaily. Retrieved October 15, 2009, from http://www.sciencedaily.com­ /releases/2009/10/091014102209.htm

 

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For full article, click here.

Cheers!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

 

Posted in Danville CA, Men's emotions, Emotion & productivity, Corporate Culture, Executive coach, Employee engagement, Anger Management, Victims of bullying, Business & psych, Abusive Coaches, Measuring emotions, Dr. John Schinnerer, Emotional IQ, Guide to Self, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

Nearly Half of U.S. Children Exposed To Violence And Abuse In United States, New DOJ Study Finds

8. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

ScienceDaily (Oct. 7, 2009) — A new study from the University of New Hampshire finds that U.S. children are routinely exposed to even more violence and abuse than has been previously recognized, with nearly half experiencing a physical assault in the study year.

“Children experience far more violence, abuse and crime than do adults,” said David Finkelhor, director of the UNH Crimes against Children Research Center and the study director. “If life were this dangerous for ordinary grown-ups, we’d never tolerate it.”

The research was sponsored by the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention (OJJDP) and supported by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The research results are presented in the journal Pediatrics and an Office of Justice Programs/OJJDP bulletin titled “Children’s Exposure to Violence: A Comprehensive National Survey.”

UNH researchers asked a national sample of U.S. children and their caregivers about a far broader range of exposures than has been done in the past.

According to the research, three out of five children were exposed to violence, abuse or a criminal victimization in the last year, including 46 percent who had been physically assaulted, 10 percent who had been maltreated by a caregiver, 6 percent who had been sexually victimized, and 10 percent who had witnessed an assault within their family.

The authors contend that earlier studies of violence exposure only inquired about individual crimes – looking only at bullying or child maltreatment or sexual abuse. In contrast, this study asked about all such exposures as well as additional ones that are rarely, if ever, covered such as dating violence and witnessing domestic violence.

The study found that more than a third of the children had had two or more different kinds of exposures in the past year and 11 percent had five or more.

“Studies have missed the fact that there are a surprisingly large group of very repeatedly and variously victimized kids whom we should be doing a better job to help and protect,” Finkelhor said.

The researchers urge teachers, police, doctors, counselors, and parents to ask children about a broader range of possible victimization experiences, especially children who had been identified as victims already. They also call for new efforts to create safer schools, homes and other youth environments.

The study was conducted in 2008 and involved interviews with caregivers and youth about the experiences of a nationally representative sample of 4,549 children ages 0-17. In addition to Finkelhor, the authors include Heather Turner, professor of sociology at UNH, Richard Ormrod, research professor of geography at UNH, and Sherry Hamby, research associate professor of psychology at Sewanee, the University of the South.

For full article, click here.

 

Let’s keep trying. We can do better, folks!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

San Ramon, Danville, Alamo

 

Posted in Men's emotions, Alexithymia, Emotion & productivity, San Ramon CA, Violence and abuse, Anger Management, Emotional management, School age bullies, Dr. John Schinnerer, Victims of bullying, Depression, Parenting, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

Put-downs in High School Make It Harder For Students To Learn, U. of Illinois Study Says

3. September 2009 by John Schinnerer.

 

From ScienceDaily (Sep. 2, 2009) 

 

High-school put-downs are such a staple of teen culture that many educators don’t take them seriously. However, a University of Illinois study suggests that classroom disruptions and psychologically hostile school environments can contribute to a climate in which good students have difficulty learning and students who are behind have trouble catching up.

 

“We need to get away from the idea that bullying is always physical. Bullying can also include verbal harassment, which can be just as damaging and detrimental to student learning,” said Christy Lleras, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development.

 

The study used data from the National Educational Longitudinal Study and included 10,060 African American, Latino, and white tenth graders in 659 U.S. high schools. It is one of the first to look at the national incidence of verbal harassment in public and private high schools, she said.

 

“In looking at whether students felt safe at school, students’ fear for their physical safety was actually pretty low. But 70 percent of the students said they were bothered by disruptions in their classroom, and one in five students said that they were often put down by their peers in school,” she said.

 

Lleras came to three interesting conclusions as she reviewed the data.

 

1. One was that smaller, private, and more affluent schools do very little to protect students from verbal abuse.

 

“I assumed that the sorts of school environments that protect students from physical harm would also protect students from emotional harm, and that was not the case. These ’safe’ schools are not significantly reducing the likelihood that students will experience harassment by their peers,” she said.

 

2. This was especially true for adolescent boys. The results showed that boys experience verbal harassment from peers more often than girls, particularly if they are in private schools, Lleras said.

 

3. Lleras also found that African American high-school students who thought of themselves as very good students were more likely to experience verbal put-downs from their peers, but only when they were in high-minority schools.

 

Why would high-achieving African-American students in high-minority schools face more verbal harassment? Lleras doesn’t believe it can be entirely attributed to the oppositional culture hypothesis—namely, that high-achieving minority students are more likely to be negatively sanctioned by their peers for their efforts than white students.

 

She speculates that verbal put-downs in these schools may be a coping strategy that students use when they don’t have the skills to do the work and have little hope of acquiring them in their academic environment.

 

“When high-achieving minority kids are put down by their peers, it can contribute to a climate in which lower-achieving kids fall farther and farther behind and must struggle to catch up. This hostile school climate isn’t a cause of the racial achievement gap–we see evidence of the achievement gap well before middle school–but it contributes to it,” she said.

 

“Sadly, verbal harassment is just one more thing these students have to deal with, and as long as we accept it because it’s not physical bullying, we’re doing a grave disservice to the kids who need non-disruptive and focused learning environments the most,” she said.

 

The study was published in the Journal of School Violence.

Posted in Emotional management, Depression, Managing Anxiety, Resiliency, Emotion & learning, Raising optimistic children, Victims of bullying, School age bullies, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Guide to Self, Anxiety, School psychology, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

Boys at greater risk than girls in U.S. for lower literacy, lower grades, school dropout, suicide, premature death, injuries, arrests & more.

11. June 2009 by John Schinnerer.

    

Boys more at risk than girls in US for lower literacy, lower grades, school dropout, suicide, premature death, injuries, arrests & more. Research article here  http://bit.ly/vRSLv

Serious issues for boys are largely being ignored & neglected. Much of research and funding directed towards girls likely as a result of the feminist movement. This is neither bad nor good in and of itself, more like a pendulum swing.  

In my opinion, it’s time for the pendulum to swing back towards focusing on assisting young boys and men (but not to the exclusion of assisting girls and women). A middle ground always works well for me.

Much of the intense physically aggressive behavior in boys and men seem to be connected to the ‘warrior gene’ MAOA. Recent study just connected the expression of MAOA to greater gang involvement and higher likelihood of use of violence and weapons. Research study here http://bit.ly/13UHMU

 Keeping it real,

Dr. John Schinnerer

Posted in Parenting, Anger Management, Men's emotions, The human brain, Nature vs. nurture, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Dr. John Schinnerer, Emotional IQ, School psychology, School age bullies, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

How To Manage Anger in Your Children - Dr. John Schinnerer Speaking at Parenting 2009 and Beyond

21. February 2009 by John Schinnerer.

Dr. Schinnerer will be speaking on Saturday, Feb. 28th at the San Ramon Valley Unified School District Parenting 2009 And Beyond Conference. It takes place at Dougherty Valley High School, 10550 Albion Road, in San Ramon.  Cost is a modest $35 for a day of worthwhile information on how to raise resilient, happy, thriving children. This cost also includes breakfast and lunch.

Dr. Schinnerer will speak on ‘How To Manage Anger in Your Child’ at 10:45 am.

For more info, go to https://www.signmeup.com/site/reg/register.aspx?fid=D42V7K7.

Only four seats left for Dr. John’s talk!

Posted in Emotional mind, Parenting, Emotional management, Anger Management, Mindfulness, Resiliency, Depression, Happiness, Dr. John Schinnerer, Positive Psychology, Guide to Self, Staying calm, School age bullies, School psychology, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

Emotional management lets you choose how to behave following anger

16. October 2008 by John Schinnerer.

The best emotional responses allow you to quickly achieve your goal, while causing no harm to others who may be involved. It’s not easy. If it were, everyone would have it. It begins with increasing your awareness … mindfulness…and practice.

Emotions are best understood as action scripts. Human bodies and brains have been developing these action scripts over millions and millions of years, far longer than our rational minds have been around. The limbic system, where much of emotional processing takes place, has been around for 3 - 10 million years, the cortex, where much of our rational thinking takes place, has been only been around for 40,000 to 2 million years.

Emotional management …is the skill of turning down the

  1.) Intensity

  2.) Duration and

  3.) Frequency of your negative, destructive emotions.

Emotional management allows you to have more of a conscious choice in which emotions you feel, when you feel them and to what degree. It is about inserting a third of a second between the time you experience the emotion in the moment and the behavior which follows.

For instance, anger is an action script to remove obstacles which are preventing us from reaching our goals. It has been honed over millions of years to prepare us to attack or confront. This is highly useful when we are out hunting or being hunted (such as our prehistoric ancestors were). Yet, it is not overly helpful when we are flying to anger due to traffic, standing in line or the misbehavior of a child.

Research has shown that the anger cycle can be interrupted within the first .33 seconds.

You become aware of the anger signs within your body (e.g., blood rushing to hands and feet to prepare for attack, heart rate increases, brow furrows, overfocusing on situation that incited anger, shallow breathing).

You label the anger (the simple act of properly labeling negative emotions has been shown to reduce their intensity).

Honor it (”Hey, I’m feeling angry here. Let’s take a time out and come back later”).

Breathe deeply and turn your thoughts towards something pleasant (a distraction).

This reduces the intensity of the anger and allows you to insert some conscious thought between the feeling of anger and the way in which you behave as a result of the anger.

Emotional management is one of the most important skills you can learn in this lifetime. Check it out. You’ll be happy you did!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Posted in Emotional management, Anger Management, Emotional mind, Rational mind, Parenting, Subconscious mind, Alexithymia, Resiliency, Relationships, The human brain, Men's emotions, Depression, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Life coach, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Forgiveness, Guide to Self, Emotional IQ, Infinet Assessment, Happiness, School age bullies, Staying calm, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

The Best Way to Let Go of Anger, Pain and Perceived Injustice - Practice Daily Forgiveness

2. October 2008 by John Schinnerer.

By Dr. John Schinnerer

www.GuideToSelf.com

Each one of us has an emotional gas tank inside us. Inside most of us, our emotional gas tanks are filled with anger, sadness and fear, and other destructive emotions. Destructive emotions build up over time. They accumulate. Destructive emotions, such as anager, literally eat you from the inside out by damaging the inside of your arteries.

As an example, let’s look more in depth at anger. Anger is difficult to control yet it is predictable. It begins like a single drop of water. At first, it’s merely irritating. No big deal, just aggravating. Slowly, gradually, over time, anger accumulates. Some bonehead zips into the parking space for which you were patiently waiting. A guy in a hurry cuts you off on the freeway. Your boss is mistakenly upset with you because of a error a coworker made. The waitress takes forever to get your order and you are running late. When you finally arrive home, exhausted, your children are boisterous and energetic. Tiny drops of water slowly filling up your emotional gas tank. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. And when you gather together enough of these little drops of annoyance, you have unknowingly filled your tank with rage and anger. You are now jump to judgment. You are fast to fury. You instantly become irritated. Over time, over years and years of this pattern, you learn to trust no one. You learn to be expect the worst from people. You build a wall to shield you from more pain. And the quality of your life gradually becomes miserable. It’s insidious. Without awareness, you become an emotional time bomb that explodes under any additional difficulties.

There is a better way to live. It requires learning the human strength of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes some awareness and practice, but it can be learned.

All you have to do is learn how to dump out your emotional gas tank. Turn it upside down and release every last bit of negative emotions – anger, fear, disappointment and sadness. Once you’ve emptied your tank, you have the option of filling it up with what you choose – love, joy, peace and patience.

The problem is that no one ever taught you HOW to empty out your gas tank of these destructive emotions. Once you learn how to dump out all that rage and pain, then you have a choice. Then you will have a life of which you can be proud.

To find out how the specific steps to forgive and dump out your destructive emotions, you can enjoy the full article for free at
http://www.guidetoself.com/articles/Forgiveness-WhatWhyHow.pdf

Posted in Staying calm, Anxiety, Emotional IQ, Social anxiety disorder, Nervousness, Morals and values, Infinet Assessment, Happiness, Guide to Self, Life coach, Positive Psychology, Counseling, Bullies, Forgiveness, Business & psych, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Sports Psychology | Print | No Comments »

Preventing Bullies from Becoming Prisoners

25. August 2008 by John Schinnerer.

Prevent Bullies Before They Become Prisoners: Sixty Percent of Bullies Have One Conviction by the Age 24

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

www.GuideToSelf.com

A ten-year-old boy is told repeatedly that he is a “weakling” and a “girly man,” yelled at and teased in a tone of voice tinged with disgust and disdain. Is this bullying? What if it leads to a fist fight? How do you know when someone crosses the line between cruel teasing and bullying? Does emotional bullying have any “real” physical consequences? And perhaps, most importantly, if you are dealing with a true bully, what do you do about it? Let’s start by figuring out what bullying is and then move on to what the consequences are and the best ways to deal with it.

Bullying Defined

Bullying takes place when a one or more kids repeatedly harass, intimidate, hit, or ignore another youngster who is physically weaker, smaller or has a lower social status. Realize that adults can also engage in bullying, particularly what I call emotional bullying. However, today we’ll focus on young people.

Note that a single fistfight between two kids of similar size and social power is not bullying; neither is the occasional teasing.

Physical bullying is seen in both boys and girls, but it is more common among boys. Girls typically use emotional bullying more so than boys. Bullying can take a number of forms.

• Bullying can be physical (hitting, shoving, or taking money or belongings) or emotional (Causing fear by threats, insults and/or exclusion from conversations or activities).

• Boys tend to use physical intimidation (hitting or threatening to hit) as well as insults, and they often act one-on-one. Girls are more likely to bully in groups by using the silent treatment towards another girl or gossiping about her.

• Kids are often bullied through putdowns about their appearance, such as being teased about being different than other children or for the way they talk, dress, their size, their appearance and so on. Making fun of children’s religion or race occurs far less frequently.

Bullying begins in elementary school and is most common in middle school; it fades but not completely in high school. It usually occurs in school areas that are not well supervised by teachers or other adults, such as on playgrounds, lunch rooms, and bathrooms. Much of it takes place after school at a location known to students and unsupervised by adults. When I was in middle school, there was a Christmas tree farm where all fights took place. When I was a psych at a middle school, there was a dry creek bed nearby where fights took place. There is always a certain spot that is well known to the students where altercations occur. One way to prevent bullying is to be aware of this spot and police it regularly after school. And realize that the spot will move as soon as the adults become aware of it.

Bullying is aggressive behavior that is intended to cause harm or distress, occurs repeatedly over time, and occurs in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power or strength. Bullying can take many forms, including physical violence, teasing and name-calling, intimidation, and social exclusion. It can be related to hostile acts perpetrated against racial and ethnic minorities, gay, lesbian, and bi-sexual youth, and persons with disabilities.

Ninety percent of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of some form of bullying at some time in their past. Boys are typically more physically aggressive (physical bullying), whereas girls rely more on social exclusion, teasing, and cliques (verbal or emotional bullying). Bullying can also take the form of cyber communication, e.g., via email (cyber bullying). It is estimated that one in four boys who bully will have a criminal record by age 30.

Who are the bullies?

Children who regularly bully their peers tend to be impulsive, easily frustrated, dominant in personality, have difficulty conforming to rules, view violence positively and are more likely to have friends who are also bullies. Boys who bully are usually physically stronger than their peers.Moreover, several risk factors have been associated with bullying, including individual, family, peer, school, and community factors. With respect to family factors, children are more likely to bully if there is a lack of warmth and parent involvement, lack of parental supervision, and harsh corporal discipline. Some research suggests a link between bullying behavior and child maltreatment. Also, schools that lack adequate adult supervision tend to have more instances of bullying. Psychological research has debunked several myths associated with bullying, including one that states bullies are usually the most unpopular students in school. A 2000 study by psychologist Philip Rodkin, PhD, and colleagues involving fourth-through-sixth-grade boys found that highly aggressive boys may be among the most popular and socially connected children in elementary classrooms, as viewed by their fellow students and even their teachers. Another myth is that the tough and aggressive bullies are basically anxious and insecure individuals who use bullying as a means of compensating for poor self-esteem. Using a number of different methods including projective tests and stress hormones, Olweus concludes that there is no support for such a view. Most bullies had average or better than average self-esteem. Who is being bullied? Children who are bullied are often cautious, sensitive, insecure, socially isolated, and have difficulty asserting themselves among their peers. Boys who are bullied tend to be physically weaker than their peers. Children who have been victims of child abuse (neglect, physical, or sexual abuse) or who have disabilities are also more likely to be bullied by their peers. How common is bullying? In 2002, it was reported that 17 percent of students reported having been bullied “sometimes” or more frequently during the school term. About 19 percent reported bullying others “sometimes” or more often. And six percent reported both bullying and having been bullied. However, in a 2003 study from UCLA, it was reported that almost 50% of sixth graders in two Los Angeles-area public schools report being bullied by classmates during a five-day period.New research from the Secret Service and the U.S. Department of Education on 37 school shootings, including Columbine, found that almost three-quarters of student shooters felt bullied, threatened, attacked or injured by others. In fact, several shooters reported experiencing long-term and severe bullying and harassment from their peers.What’s more, roughly 45% of teachers report having bullied a student in their past. This comes from a 2006 study which defined bullying “using power to punish, manipulate, or disparage a student beyond what would be a reasonable disciplinary procedure.”

The Effects of Bullying

Bullying exerts long-term and short-term psychological effects on both bullies and their victims. Bullying behavior has been linked to other forms of antisocial behavior, such as vandalism, shoplifting, skipping and dropping out of school, fighting, and the use of drugs and alcohol.Victims of bullying experience loneliness and often suffer humiliation, insecurity, loss of self-esteem, and thoughts of suicide. Furthermore, bullying can interfere with a student’s engagement and learning in school. The impact of frequent bullying often accompanies these victims into adulthood. A study done in 2003 found that emotional bullying such as repeated name-calling has as much of a damaging impact on well-being as being beat up. Dr. Stephen Joseph, from the University of Warwick, states, “Bullying and particularly name calling can be degrading for adolescents. Posttraumatic stress is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a frightening event or ordeal in which physical harm occurred or was threatened, and research clearly suggests that it can be caused by bullying. It is important that peer victimization is taken seriously as symptoms such as insomnia, anxiety and depression are common amongst victims and have a negative impact on psychological health.”As with smoking and drinking, youthful bullying can have serious long-term effects. Norwegian psychologist Dan Olweus, PhD, for example, reported in “Bullying at School: What We Know and What We Can Do” (Blackwell, 1993) that 60 percent of boys who bully had at least one conviction by age 24, and 40 percent had three or more convictions.

Other studies found that about 20 percent of American middle school children say they bully others sometimes. Such youngsters tend to have multiple problems: They’re more likely to fight, steal, drink, smoke, carry weapons and drop out of school than non-bullies.

That said, recent research has exploded some common myths about bullies: in particular, that they’re isolated loners with low self-esteem. In fact, many bullies are reasonably popular and tend to have “henchmen” who aid their negative behaviors.

New and innovative research

A nationally representative study of 15,686 students in grades six through 10, published last year in the Journal of the American Medical Association (Vol. 285, No. 16) is among the most recent to document the scope of bullying in U.S. schools.This study found that:* Bullying occurs most frequently from sixth to eighth grade, with little variation between urban, suburban, town and rural areas.

* Males are more likely to be bullies and victims of bullying than females. Males are more likely to be physically bullied, while females are more likely to be verbally or psychologically bullied, although there is recent evidence (Sept. 2008) that shows that females are just as likely to use physical violence as males.

* Bullies and victims of bullying have difficulty adjusting to their environments, both socially and psychologically. Victims of bullying have greater difficulty making friends and are lonelier.

* Bullies are more likely to smoke and drink alcohol, and to be poorer students.

* Bully-victims–students who are both bullies and recipients of bullying–tend to experience social isolation, to do poorly in school and to engage in problem behaviors such as smoking and drinking.

In the past, bullying behavior was looked at in an either/or fashion – either you are a bully or you are a victim. However, some children report that they’re both a bully and a victim at different times.

Bully-victims experience higher levels of depression and anxiety than the bully-only group or the victim-only group. Those who fall into the bully-victim subgroup are more troubled in terms of internal problems. They carry a great deal of anger, fear and sadness within them and don’t have any tools to release it. Studies have shown that, despite thinking they know how to identify bullies, teachers aren’t all that good at actually doing so. Administrators and teachers in schools overestimate their effectiveness in identifying and intervening in bullying situations.

This can have troubling implications. For example, to contain costs, some schools hold intervention programs in group settings. If bully-victims are in the group, they may cause problems for students who are solely victims. It’s more productive for bully-victims to be treated separately.

Mediation programs for bullies and victims are also problematic. Peer mediation may be appropriate in resolving conflict between students with equal power, but bullying is a type of victimization. Just as child abuse is a form of victimization between parties of unequal power, so too is bullying.

Solutions for bullying

Many anti-bullying programs don’t use research and are thus are likely to fail. Those that work off the myth that the root of bullying is low self-esteem may produce more confident bullies but they probably won’t have a significant effect on any bullying behavior.

What’s more, the common approach of grouping bullies together for group counseling tends to increases their bullying. You’ve just put them in a peer group of bullies who reinforce their destructive behaviors.

And conflict resolution or mediation–which assumes equal power between bullies and their victims–may retraumatize those who have been bullied. Pop treatments usually fail because they focus on only one aspect of the problem.

Bullying is a complex problem. There are multiple reasons for bullying. Successful programs take a holistic approach to preventing bullying. This means that they create new school norms for acceptable behavior, involving all facets of the school–students, parents and teachers, psychologists and more.

Global buffers

Indeed, key to the success of any intervention is appropriate adult guidance and support, presenters agreed. Adults supervise their children about 40 percent less than they did 30 years ago, statistics show, and this and related phenomena have been correlated with problem behaviors. The trend, they added, occurs at a time when teens report wanting more parental attention and family time.

Research shows that parents can be effective interventionists. In a 2001 article, when parents learned to effectively communicate information on binge drinking to their precollege teens, the young people returned from their first semester of college significantly less likely to drink than a control group.

Teaching your children emotional intelligence (EQ), or how to manage one’s emotions, results in less illicit drug use and far less physical violence. Those with lower EI had more substance abuse problems and more frequent fights.

The biggest challenge for teens is to develop the self-regulatory abilities implied by high EQ, and that adults can aid in that process. It’s important to help children and teens find ways to identify their emotions - deep breathing,  journaling, greater bodily awareness, exercise, yoga, meditation and so on. These are all ways to become more aware of your emotions, so you can in turn manage your emotions more effectively. It’s all about emotional intelligence. Parents must also be involved in their children’s lives and intervene in a supportive and empathetic nature if they believe their child or another child is being bullied. To help prevent bullying, parents should enforce clear and concise behavioral guidelines and reward children for positive, inclusive behavior. Furthermore, parents should seek assistance from the school’s principal, teachers, and counselors if concerns regarding their child’s or another child’s behavior arises.

Sometimes bullying is easy to spot–a child pushing another on the playground or shoving a classmate’s face into the water fountain. Other times bullying is less overt–children spreading rumors, teasing peers or excluding a classmate from games at recess. This veiled type of bullying–known as relational or covert aggression–can be harder for parents and teachers to see and prevent. What’s more, previous research suggests that relational aggression increases and intensifies as children get older and become more emotionally and socially sophisticated.

Studies report that the rates of aggression are rising in middle school girls. “It’s always been the case that we expect rates of aggression and delinquency to increase for boys, while girls were considered somewhat protected,” said Julia Graber, a UF psychologist who did the research. “In this study, it’s clear that the differences between girls and boys are diminishing.”

Unlike boys, girls in the study reported feeling increasing amounts of anger between sixth and seventh grades, she said. Both groups reported a decline in self-control. The study of 1,229 students at 22 public and parochial schools in New York City found that the proportion of girls committing five or more aggressive acts in a month, such as “hitting someone” or “pushing or shoving someone on purpose” jumped from 64 percent to 81 percent between sixth and seventh grades. For boys, it rose from 69 percent to 78 percent.

“Girls’ entry into adolescence is generally thought of as a vulnerable time for depression, and studies tend to focus on girls’ emotional experiences with sadness and depressed moods,” Graber said. “What’s interesting about this study is that we see an increase in a different negative emotional experience, and that’s anger.”

Bullying among primary school age children has become recognized as an antecedent to more violent behavior in later grades. Statistics on violence in our country tell a grim story with a clear message. Some children learn how to dominate others by foul means rather than by fair, setting a pattern for how they will behave as adults (bullies). Other children are more easily dominated, suffer miserably, often in silence, and develop a victim mentality that they may be unable to over-come as adults (victims). Action is needed to end purposeful harassment, and bullying.

Signs that a child is being bullied

Children who are being bullied may be embarrassed to talk about what is going on. Parents (or other adults) may notice signs that point to bullying. Your child may:

• Have scrapes, bruises or other signs of physical injury.

• Come home from school without some belongings such as clothes, or money.

• Come home from school quite hungry, saying they lost his or her lunch.

• Develop ongoing physical problems, such as headaches or stomachaches.

• Have sleep disturbances and nightmares.

• Pretend to be sick or make other excuses to avoid school or other situations.

• Change their behavior, such as withdrawing, becoming sad, angry or aggressive.

• Cry often.

• Become more fearful when certain people or situations are mentioned.

• See a sudden drop in grades or have more difficulty learning new material.

• Talk about suicide as a way out.

How to help the child who is being bullied

The key to helping your child deal with bullying is to help him or her regain a sense of dignity and recover damaged self-esteem. To help ward off bullies, give your child these tips:

• Temporarily hold the anger. It’s natural to want to get really angry with a bully, but that’s exactly the response the bully is aiming for. Not only will getting angry or aggressive not solve the problem, it will only make it worse. Bullies want to know they have control over your child’s emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it adds fuel to the bully’s fire - getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful. Remind your child that anyone that makes you angry has control over you. Help your child work at staying calm through deep breathing and turning their attention to more pleasant thoughts while being picked on.

• Never get physical or bully back. Emphasize that your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it’s best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.

• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye and say something like, “I want you to stop right now.” Counsel your child to then walk away and ignore any further taunts. Encourage your child to “walk tall” and hold his or her head up high (using this type of body language sends a message that your child isn’t vulnerable). Bullies thrive on the reaction they get, and by walking away, or ignoring hurtful emails or instant messages, your child will be telling the bully that he or she just doesn’t care. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother your child.

• Use humor. If your child is in a situation in which he or she has to deal with a bully and can’t walk away with poise, tell him or her to use humor or give the bully a compliment to throw the bully off guard. However, tell your child not to use humor to make fun of the bully.

• Tell an adult. If your child is being bullied, emphasize that it’s very important to tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help to stop it. Studies show that schools where principals crack down on this type of behavior have less bullying.

• Talk about it. It may help your child to talk to a guidance counselor, teacher, or friend - anyone who can give your child the support he or she needs. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when your child is being bullied.

• Use the buddy system. Enlisting the help of friends or a group may help both your child and others stand up to bullies. The bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all, so a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers. If the bully is picking on another child, tell your child to point out to the bully that his or her behavior is unacceptable and is no way to treat another person. This can work especially well in group situations (i.e., when a member of your child’s circle of friends starts to pick on or shun another member). Tell your child to make a plan to buddy up with a friend or two on the way to school, on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess or lunch - wherever your child thinks he or she might meet the bully. Tell your child to offer to do the same for a friend who’s having trouble with a bully. When one person speaks out against a bully, it gives others license to add their support and take a stand, too.

• Develop more friendships by joining social organizations, clubs, or sports programs. Encourage regular play visits with other children at your home. Being in a group with other kids may help to build your child’s self-esteem and give your child a larger group of positive peers with whom to spend time.

Of course, you may have to intervene in persistent cases of bullying. That can involve walking to school with your child and talking to your child’s teacher, school counselor, or principal. Safety should be everyone’s concern. If you’ve tried the previous methods and still feel the need to speak to the bullying child’s parents, it’s best to do so within the context of the school, where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.

If your child is the bully

Learning that your child is a bully can be shocking. But it’s important to remain calm and avoid becoming defensive, as that can make a bad situation worse. You may have a greater impact if you express disappointment - not anger - to your child. Because bullying often stems from unhappiness or insecurity, try to find out if something is bothering your child. Children who bully aren’t likely to confess to their behavior, but you’ll need to try to get your child to talk by asking some specific, hard-hitting questions, such as:

• How do you feel about yourself?

• How do you think things are going at school and at home?

• Are you being bullied?

• Do you get along with other kids at school?

• How do you treat other children?

• What do you think about being considered a bully?

• Why do you think you’re bullying?

• What might help you to stop bullying?

To get to the bottom of why your child is hurting others, you may also want to schedule an appointment to talk to your child’s school counselor or another mental health professional (your child’s doctor should be able to refer you to someone). If you suspect that your child is a bully, it’s important to address the problem to try to mend your child’s mean ways. After all, bullying is violence, and it often leads to more antisocial and violent behavior as the bully grows up. In fact, as many as one out of four elementary school bullies have a criminal record by the time they’re 30.

Helping your child stop bullying

Although not all bullying stems from family problems, it’s a good idea to examine the behavior and personal interactions your child witnesses at home. If your child lives with taunting or name-calling from a sibling or from you or another parent, it could be prompting aggressive or hurtful behavior outside the home. What may seem like innocent teasing at home may actually model bullying behaviors. Children who are on the receiving end of it learn that bullying can translate into control over children they perceive as weak.

Constant teasing - whether it’s at home or at school - can also affect a child’s self-esteem. Children with low self-esteem can grow to feel emotionally insecure. They can also end up blaming others for their own shortcomings. Making others feel bad (bullying) can give them a sense of power.

Of course, there will be moments that warrant constructive criticism: for example, “I counted on you to put out the trash and because you forgot, we’ll all have to put up with that stench in the garage for a week.” But take care not to let your words slip into criticizing the person rather than the behavior: “You’re so lazy. I bet you just pretend to forget your chores, so you don’t have to get your hands dirty.” Focus on how the behavior is unacceptable, rather than the person. Home should be a safe haven, where children aren’t subjected to uncomfortable, harsh criticism from family and loved ones.

In addition to maintaining a positive home atmosphere, there are a number of ways you can encourage your child to give up bullying:

• Emphasize that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home. For example, if your child is cyber bullying, take away the technologies he or she is using to torment others (i.e., computer, cell phone to text message or send pictures). Or instruct your child to use the Internet to research bullying and note strategies to reduce the behavior. Other examples of disciplinary action include restricting your child’s curfew if the bullying and/or teasing occur outside of the home; taking away privileges, but allowing the opportunity to earn them back; and requiring your child to do volunteer work to help those less fortunate.

• Teach your child to treat people who are different with respect and kindness. Teach your child to embrace, not ridicule, differences (i.e., race, religion, appearance, special needs, gender, economic status). Explain that everyone has rights and feelings.

• Find out if your child’s friends are also bullying. If so, seek a group intervention through your child’s principal, school counselor, and/or teachers.

• Set limits. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find nonviolent ways to react.

• Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behavior. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.

• Talk with school staff and ask how they can help your child change his or her bad behavior. Be sure to keep in close contact with the staff.

• Set realistic goals and don’t expect an immediate change. As your child learns to modify his or her behavior, assure your child that you still love him or her - it’s the behavior you don’t like.

Be aware that bullying also takes place between adults, as well as between adults and children. Anywhere there is a power imbalance; there is the risk of bullying. Athletic coaching is a fertile ground for bullying young athletes. As more is learned about bullying and the serious consequences of it, more and more zero tolerance policies will be adopted. Until then, stay aware of subtle cues of bullying in children. The first step is awareness. With greater awareness, bullying can be nipped in the bud.
 

About the Author

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.Dr. John Schinnerer is Chief Communication Officer at Emotion Mining Company, which has a powerful and patented method to measure conscious and subconscious emotions. This method is used for marketing and branding, leadership development, organizational change, and individual counseling and coaching.Prior to this, Dr. Schinnerer was President of Guide To Self, a company that focuses on coaching individuals and groups to their potential using the latest in psychology, psychoneuroimmunology and physiology. Most recently, Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been a coach and psychologist for over 10 years.

Dr. Schinnerer is also President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Infinet was founded in 1997 and has worked with companies such as UPS, CSE Insurance Group and Schreiber Foods. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development to sports psychology. He is a noted speaker and author on topics such as emotional intelligence, sports psychology, and executive leadership.

Dr. Schinnerer wrote, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which was recently awarded the “Best Self-Help Book of 2007” by East Bay Express. He has written articles on corporate ethics and EQ in the workplace for Workspan magazine, HR.com, and Business Ethics. He has given numerous presentations, radio shows and seminars to tens of thousands of people for organizations such as SHRM, NCHRA, KNEW and KDIA.

Posted in Nervousness, Social anxiety disorder, Social phobia, School psychology, Victims of bullying, School age bullies, Staying calm, Anxiety, Forgiveness, Counseling, Managing stress, Dr. John Schinnerer, Emotional IQ, Guide to Self, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

Response to Powerless in Philly Re: Abusive Coach

11. October 2007 by John Schinnerer.

Dear Powerless:

Your note is one of hundreds I’ve received from people regarding coaches who bully. These notes seem to have largely come as a result of two articles I recently wrote.

It sounds to me like your volleyball coach is overfocused on winning to the detriment of the psychological and physical development of the players. The point at which it becomes emotionally abusive is when it happens repeatedly and makes the players feel guilty, ashamed or worth-less.

It’s interesting. Just as a point of contrast, we are fortunate to have Bob LaDoceur out here who orchestrated the longest winning streak in the history of high school football (De La Salle HS). He is known for treating his players with respect and putting values ahead of winning. It’s one of the few examples of which I know where the coach has what I consider to be the right approach.

I’m sure you are right about the captains of the team being afraid. I remember being captain of my varsity soccer, swimming and water polo teams. I spoke up once to the soccer coach to speak on behalf of the players who were demoralized and miserable. He blackballed me when it came time to nominate players for All-League honors (which I had received the year before as a junior).  So those sorts of things happen frequently in high school. Coaches are ruled by their emotions and play out little dramas to “pay back” the “insubordination” of their players.

In your daughter’s case, she is getting yelled at for an honest mistake or two in practice. Obviously, this is an overreaction on the part of the coach. It sounds like the coach has the mistaken belief that perfection is possible and should be strived for at any cost. Perfection is not possible. We can only try to be perfect. However, we don’t want to spend too much time and energy trying to get from 95% to 100%. It’s a matter of diminishing return. The extra practice you put in to get that extra 5% leads to burn out in my opinion. It also turns a sport from a “want to” to a “have to”. Once that mind set changes, the athlete is headed downhill in motivation and subsequently performance.

We know perfectionism is related to anxiety. So the coach may be driving the team hard out of his/her own anxiety and need to succeed. The coach may think that yelling at and humiliating players is the best way (or one way) to motivate the players. This may work for some but is ultimately harmful for many, if not most, players. We know that the negative outweighs the positive in our minds. We know that it takes roughly 5-10 compliments to undo one insult. That’s the way our mind works. So many players may begin to internalize some of these messages (e.g., “You’re not good enough”, “You’re a waste of time,” etc.) when heard frequently enough.

Personally, I don’t think there’s an excuse for such behavior. Whether playoffs are coming up or not is inconsequential. The coach’s job is partially to manage his or her own internal pressures, not take it out on players. And yelling at players he expects the most out of is a great way to lose your best players. As soon as a player gets enough of that abuse, they will muster the courage to walk away from the game which is a shame.

So what do you tell your daughter?  If she were my daughter, I’d tell her the following…

You’re doing great. You’re a great player. You’re a great person. We support you regardless of what happens in volleyball.

Try to discount any overly negative, personal attacks made by the coach (obviously some positive, constructive comments may help her grow as a player).

Keep up the great effort. Focus on her effort rather than the outcome. One of the coach’s issues is that she is overfocused on the outcome (such as getting two hands on the ball and making the hit over the net). It’s not the outcome you want to stress, it’s the effort (such as the energy expended to get to the ball and the attempt to get two hands on the ball and the effort to get one hand on the ball when getting two hands on it is impossible).

Let her know that the coach’s brain is not working right. As a result, she does inappropriate things like yell at young ladies when they make an honest mistake (but a good effort).

To help her deal with negative comments from the coach (or anyone), instruct her to ask herself (after a mean comment), “Will this matter five years from now?” Usually, the answer is “no, it won’t matter.” If the answer is “Yes, it will” have her come to you and share what happened.

Remind yourself that you are powerful, not powerless. You can manage your own emotions in response to a bullying coach. You can help your daughter learn to manage her emotions with a bully.

Unfortunately, bullies exist everywhere throughout life, not just in volleyball. They are also in colleges, workplaces and relationships. So it’s an important life skill to learn to deal with them.

You can also role play some situations with her where you play her and she plays the coach. Have her say some similar mean comments to you, and you find ways to respond in a respectful, yet firm, manner. For example, when coach says “Are you kidding me?! I told you to get two hands on the ball. That was absolute crap!” You can respond with something like, “Sorry coach. I am giving it everything I have.” Coach may say something like “Well you’re not giving enough”. You can respond with “Gee coach, hopefully, I’ll get it right before next season.” Or “I’ll keep working on it.” Remind her to breathe deeply when coach acts like a spoiled brat. Deep breathing is a big help in calming down intense negative emotions such as anger.

The visual aid you can give your daughter is that of an imaginary garbage can or toilet which sits on her hip. As the brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined, visualization can be very powerful when developed and practiced. Teach your daughter that she has a choice in terms of what words she takes into her and which ones she refuses to take in. Kind, loving words can go straight to her heart. Mean, cruel words she can imagine going straight into her garbage can. This is a skill I have taught all my children. It’s helpful with bullies of all sizes and genders.

And lastly, I would document all this information so that you can turn it into the principal you’re your daughter graduates. Otherwise the cycle just continues and more girls get hurt. I imagine other players on the team have had the same complaints but everyone is too afraid to speak up – the definition of a bully – emotional intimidation.

Hopefully that helps. There’s more such info in my book. The title is below.

Wish you all the best!

Dr. John Schinnerer

Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought

Available at Amazon.com, Authorhouse.com, Target.com, and BarnesAndNoble.com

Posted in Abusive Coaches, Bullies, Sports Psychology, Mean coaches | Print | No Comments »

Follow Up on Mean Coaches who Bully Young Athletes

11. October 2007 by John Schinnerer.

I have received hundreds of emails from concerned parents and athletes ranging from entry level athletes to professional ones on the subject of coaches who bully. It seems that everyone has had a negative experience with an emotionally abusive coach. The crazy part is that this behavior seems to be tolerated by the community at large because “it’s sports” and “it’s the way things have always been done.”This is the very definition of insanity - doing the same thing you’ve always done and expecting different results. If we want our young athletes to grow up into authentic, emotionally stable adults with high integrity, we must change the way our coaching is done now. Below is an excerpt from a parent letter to me regarding their bullying coach. I have changed the names to protect their identity.Dear Dr. Schinnerer:
My daughter is a member of the High School Volleyball team here in town. There is only one school.  There is only one team with a Varsity and a JV squad.
My daughter made both teams. On the varsity team the Coach only plays the top 7 players.
That was understood from the beginning.
She and 2 others were given the dubious honor of having made the team but really were just extreme back up and mostly what their function is, is to do stats on clipboards. The fun part of ‘making that team’ was supposed to be the opportunity to practice with the varsity first string girls and to learn and play against people that are better and have more experience.  The hope was that next year the girls would have learned a lot and would maybe actually get into games at that point. The truth is that stats are kept even during practice and if one’s STATS aren’t perfect you don’t make it on to Coach’s court to practice.
The back story to this is that the Coach has a huge winning record. Her teams have won dozens of games without losing (this goes over a period of years). From the beginning my daughter has been a hugely loyal and very motivated player for this Coach. She is a good athlete, she works hard, lives a very clean life.  She is not the best player on the team but is one of the best on the JV squad and she works her butt off. She goes early, stays late, volunteers for extra assignments,  works with middle school players, etc…
On Sunday…this Coach completely humiliated my daughter in front of all of her team mates.
Twice  she got one hand on the ball instead of 2 in a drill they were doing in practice. Coach yelled and screamed at her, called her a loser and said she expects more from her…and then she did the unthinkable and divulged things my daughter had asked Coach privately..(”Coach, what do I need to do so that I can someday make it on to your court?” meaning varsity.) Coach yelled something like “you come to me and ask what you need to do to get on my court and I tell you what you should do and this is what I get in return? You don’t deserve a thing from me!”
To add insult to injury…she sent one of the team captains (I think the captains should be conferring with and helping my daughter thru this. I believe they are scared to say anything for FEAR of losing their spots) to tell  my daughter she couldn’t wear her varsity jersey for the game the next day. Now she is quite humiliated, embarrassed and very dejected, very angry and I feel she may lose her confidence and she may change because of this.
Coach has always been tough in sort of a drill-Sergeant sort of way. No sense of humor, expects 110%. My daughter always gives 110% and she thought that Coach “liked her and respected her for her work ethic.”
We cannot negotiate with this Coach because I am afraid she will take it out on my daughter if we even try to intervene or even chat about it. Same thing if we go to the administration at school. I thought about explaining to the Coach that this kind of humiliation and behavior towards my daughter will just discourage and alienate her, not motivate her.  But in speaking with a couple of other Moms with older girls on the team..apparently Coach “gets this way in October leading up to the State Championships” and she usually “takes her frustration out on the player she expects the most from in the future.”
In fact my daughter and I remember last year one player in particular...a great player getting in so much trouble from Coach. At the time my daughter was down in the freshman gym so we don’t know the specifics about it, but even then it seemed unusually harsh and over the top for what the infraction was (which had to do with dropping a ‘game’ (not a whole match) last year). She benched the girl for many, many games. Bottom line is that it’s all about the Coach’s record and not about the girls and what they learn.This is what we have done.
Told her Coach is a wacko and just let those negative comments wash around her and not into her.
Keep up the hard work.
Don’t gossip about it to other players.
Keep up the good attitude as she mentors the younger players.
Be a leader even though Coach has treated her unfairly.
TUNE out the negativity. As I sit here and read this is is utterly ridiculous that I would put my daughter in a situation like this and let it continue. But what else can I do?

OK that is my novel. Here is my question:
WHAT CAN I DO or what DO I do?
We can’t move her to another school.
We can’t afford private school which is the only alternative. She loves the sport. But I see her tears and when she was sobbing on Sunday, and then again last night because she is so embarrassed, and is being so strong in front of the team…I just don’t know who to turn to for advice or help or words of wisdom. I am also trying to keep a brave face on for her, but it is inconceivable to me that this is happening in a place where I think it shouldn’t and we are powerless to do anything about it due to possible repercussions against my daughter.I have really given you so much to read and I am sorry that I couldn’t condense it more and I don’t even know if you will respond, but I hope you can and do because my husband and I will really appreciate it.Sincerely,Powerless

Posted in Bullies, Sports Psychology, Mean coaches | Print | No Comments »

Mean Coaches - Sports Coaches Who Bully Little Kids

11. October 2007 by John Schinnerer.

By Dr. John Schinnerer My ten-year-old son was bullied recently. He was told that he was an “embarrassment.” He was told to “shut up.” He was yelled at and scolded in a tone of voice tinged with disgust and disdain. He was told he would be punished for any mistakes he or his peers made.  Surprisingly, this didn’t happen at school. The bully wasn’t even a peer of his. The bully was his swim coach, a young lady of perhaps 26 years of age. She was desperately trying to motivate her swimmers to swim fast in the big meet the next day. And this was her attempt at motivation. Unfortunately this is a pattern of destructive behavior that continues for this particular coach as evidenced by multiple parent complaints over two seasons. She is a “mean coach” - a coach that gets athletes to perform by bullying them. In speaking to the lady in charge of the coaches on this swim team, it quickly became apparent that this type of “incentive” was not only okay with her, it was actually encouraged. She said that 9- and 10-year-old boys were “squirrely” and “needed to be taken down a notch.” She was in full support of her coaches yelling at, embarrassing and insulting young children to motivate them to swim faster. “That’s just the way swimming is,” she said. Had I not spent 12 years of my childhood swimming competitively, I may have believed her. So this raises some interesting questions… How do you know if your coach is a bully? If the coach is a bully, what do you do about it?  How Do I Know If My Coach is a Bully? To determine if a coach is a bully, you must first know what bullying behavior looks and feels like.  Bullying is aggressive behavior that occurs repeatedly over time in a relationship where there is an imbalance of power or strength. Bullying can take many forms, including physical violence, verbal abuse, social manipulation and attacks on property. Physical violence is not usually a component of a coaching relationship. If your coach is physically violent with an athlete, call the authorities. Much more common in the world of athletics is verbal abuse and emotional mistreatment over time which can lead to severe and long-lasting effects on the athlete’s social and emotional development. In a world where “more is better” in terms of training and “no pain means no gain,” there is a great deal of machismo in coaches. Most coaches coach the same way that they were coached while playing the sport growing up. This means that many coaches are still operating as if the training methods used in the Soviet Union in the 1970’s are state of the art.  “Ve vill deprive you of food until you win gold medal.” Central to this old school mind set is the idea that threat, intimidation, fear, guilt, shame, and name-calling are all viable ways to push athletes to excel. News flash: None of these are worthwhile motivators for anyone. These are the bricks which line the road paved to burnout, rebellion and a hatred of a once-loved sport. What Does Verbal and Emotional Abuse Look Like in Athletics? Usually, this involves a coach telling an athlete or making them feel that he or she is worthless, despised, inadequate, or valued only as a result of their athletic performance. And here’s the catch, such messages are not conveyed merely with the spoken word. They are conveyed by tone of voice, body language, facial expression and withdrawal of physical or emotional support. This is a large part of the reason why the problem of bullying in athletics is so hard to quantify – a clear definition of bullying is somewhat elusive. Even if we can define it, as above, it’s highly difficult to measure. Bullying is partly defined by the subjective experience of the athlete. In other words, if the athlete feels shamed, frightened, or anxious around the coach due to his or her constant and repeated shouting, name-calling or threatening, then the label “emotional abuse” is warranted. How Widespread is Bullying by Coaches in Athletics? At this point in time, there are no hard and fast figures on coaches who bully. In school, we know that 90% of 4th through 8th graders report being victims of some form of bullying at some point in their past.  In a 2005 UCLA study, Jaana Juvonen found that nearly 50% of 6^th graders reported being the victim of bullying in the past five day period. In general, boys are more physically aggressive (physical bullying), whereas girls rely more on social exclusion, teasing, and cliques (verbal or emotional bullying). In 2006, Stuart Twemlow, MD gave an anonymous survey to 116 teachers at seven elementary schools, and found that 45% of teachers admitted to having bullied a student in the past. In the study, teacher bullying was defined as “using power to punish, manipulate, or disparage a student beyond what would be a reasonable disciplinary procedure.” Psychological research has debunked several myths associated with bullying, including one that states bullies are usually the most unpopular students in school. A 2000 study by psychologist Philip Rodkin, PhD, and colleagues involving fourth-through-sixth-grade boys found that highly aggressive boys may be among the most popular and socially connected children in elementary classrooms, as seen by their peers and teachers. Another myth is that bullies are really anxious and self-doubting individuals who cope using bullying as a way to compensate for their low self-esteem. However, there is no support for such a view. Most bullies have average or better than average self-esteem. Bullies, in general, are not loners and misfits with low self-esteem. Many bullies are relatively popular and have “henchmen” who help with their bullying behaviors. And so it was with the swim team where the coach’s bullying is supported and endorsed by the woman in charge of the team. Bullying does not take place in a vacuum. There has to be an environment around bullying behavior which allows it and enables it to survive. Back to the original question of how widespread is bullying by coaches in athletics. We know that bullying is rampant among children as well as adults.  We know that 45% of teachers admit to having bullied a student in the past. On average, teachers have more training (1 to 2 years post graduate) in areas such as child development and educational and motivational theories than the average coach of youth athletics. So it’s appears safe to assume that teachers are less likely than the average coach to engage in bullying behavior.  Assuming that’s the case, it seems safe to assume that roughly 45 - 50% of coaches have bullied an athlete in their past. According to the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion, there are approximately 2.5 million adults in the United States who volunteer their time to coach each year.  Using the tentative number of 50% would mean that there are roughly 1.25 million adult coaches who have bullied a child athlete in the past. And this number does not even take into account coaches who are paid for their services and who may be more likely to bully due to the pressures and expectations placed upon them.  So What? A Little Yelling Never Hurt Anyone The old school of thought was along the lines of the nursery school rhyme “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  The old school of thought was that a little yelling at players will “toughen them up and prepare them for real life.” Fortunately, we now know better. A 2003 study by Dr. Stephen Joseph at University of Warwick found that “verbal abuse can have more impact upon victims’ self-worth than physical attacks, such as punching…stealing or the destruction of belongings.”  Verbal attacks such as name-calling and humiliation can negatively impact self-worth to a dramatic degree. Rather than helping them to “toughen up”, 33% of verbally abused children suffer from significant levels of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is the same disorder that haunts many war veterans and victims of violent assault. Verbal bullying leads to anxiety, social withdrawal, nightmares, and can negatively impact the psychological health of children. Words do hurt and the scars they leave behind can last a lifetime. A UCLA study from 2005 demonstrated that there is no such thing as “harmless name-calling.” The study, by Jaana Juvonen, Ph.D., found that those 6^th graders who had been victimized felt humiliated, anxious, angry and disliked school more. What’s more, the students who merely observed another student being bullied reported more anxiety and disliked school to a greater degree than those who did not witness any bullying. The major lesson here is that the more a child is bullied, or observes bullying, in a particular environment, the more they dislike being in that environment. So any bullying done by coaches will virtually guarantee a hasty exit from the sport by the victim. A 2007 Penn State study found that the trauma endured by children due to bullying results in physical changes in the body. The study, performed by JoLynn Carney, found that levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, were elevated in the saliva of both children who had been bullied recently and in those children who were anticipating being bullied in the near future. Ironically, when cortisol levels spike, our ability to think clearly, learn or remember goes right out the window. So those coaches who rely on fear and intimidation ensure their athletes won’t recall any of what they said while they are ranting and raving. Repeated exposure to such stressful events has been linked to chronic fatigue syndrome, greater chance of injury, chronic pelvic pain, and PTSD. It appears to be the anxiety which is the most dangerous aspect for the victim of bullying. The anxiety stays with the victim and fuels deep internal beliefs such as “the world is a dangerous place in which to live” and “other people cannot be trusted.” As demonstrated in Martin Seligman’s work, such core beliefs lay at the heart of depression. Thus, bullying is directly linked to trauma and anxiety and indirectly linked to depression and higher cortisol levels.  What Can I Do About Bullying Coaches?If you are a parent, if possible, make the coach aware of his/her behavior. Ensure the safety of yourself and your child first. It’s difficult to predict when you’ll be met with an uncooperative, and potentially hostile, attitude. However, it’s important that you be courageous and stand up to the bullying behavior. To the extent that you sit by, complain in the background, but do nothing to prevent bullying behaviors, you allow it to continue. If, after bringing it to the coaches attention, you don’t see a change in the behavior of the coach, report their specific behaviors which you view as bullying to any supervisor or league authorities. Be as specific as possible to help others identify and change the behaviors in question. In extreme cases, you may find that with the people in charge of the organization are in support of bullying coaches. In that case, you must weigh the financial, physical and psychological costs of moving your child to a different team or coach. Staying with the same coach is likely to lead to increased anxiety and decreased athletic performance at a minimum. Moving to a different coach may mean increased financial expenses, driving time and leaving behind the friendship of other parents and children.If you are a coach, be aware of your tone of voice, body language, and other nonverbal messages. The majority of what we communicate with others is done nonverbally and through tone of voice. Tone of voice provides the greatest insight into how a coach is feeling when he or she speaks to an athlete. Tone of voice alone can convey disgust, delight, disappointment, anger, contentment and much more. It’s not as much what you say as how you say it.  And keep in mind that most of the athletes you coach are not going to become rich and famous. The best you can do is encourage your athletes’ love of the game.  So keep it fun. Keep it low key. Turn down the volume on your competitiveness. Remind yourself that it’s just a game. It’s not a matter of life or death. Don’t get overly attached to winning. Focus on helping your athletes perform at their peak level. If you are an athlete, realize that your physical and psychological health is of the greatest importance. It is the primary reason that you are involved in athletics. So, listen to the feeling in your gut. If you feel angry, ashamed, guilty, anxious or sad every time you come near your coach, you may want to look for a new coach. You have a right to be treated with respect and dignity. Exercise that right. Depending upon how volatile your coach is, and how strong a bond you have with him or her, you may want to try talking with your coach first to see if they are able to change their behavior. If your coach is explosive, talk to your parents first and ask for their support. Ask them to intervene on your behalf. Tell them how you feel. If you go to your parents and tell them you feel anxious, scared, angry or ashamed every time you approach your coach, hopefully, they will recognize the need for a face-to-face with the coach. As far as my family goes, we’re moving to a different swim team. My wife and I spoke to the people in charge of the current swim team and found that their driving value was to win which, in their minds, justifies the use of old school negative motivators such as group punishment for individual mistakes.  That’s their choice. It’s their team. My choice is to take my children and swim somewhere else – somewhere where they are treated with respect and dignity.  About the AuthorJohn Schinnerer, Ph.D. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that focuses on coaching individuals and groups to their potential using the latest in psychology, psychoneuroimmunology and physiology. Most recently, Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been a coach and psychologist for over 10 years.Dr. Schinnerer is also President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Infinet was founded in 1997 and has worked with companies such as UPS, CSE Insurance Group and Schreiber Foods.Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development to sports psychology. He is a noted speaker and author on topics such as emotional intelligence, sports psychology, and executive leadership. Dr. Schinnerer wrote, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which was recently awarded the “Best Self-Help Book of 2007” by East Bay Express.  He has written articles on corporate ethics and EQ in the workplace for Workspan magazine, HR.com, and Business Ethics. He has given numerous presentations, radio shows and seminars to tens of thousands of people for organizations such as SHRM, NCHRA, KNEW and KDIA. 

Posted in Bullies, Swim coaches, Sports Psychology, Mean coaches | Print | No Comments »

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Anger (But Were Too Angry to Ask!)

18. July 2006 by John Schinnerer.

We know there are four types of anger - anger at self, anger at
others, disappointment (anger and sadness), and constructive anger -
but HOW do we deal effectively with anger?

Join Dr. John for the latest info on anger management, tips and tricks
to manage your inner beast!

For more info on Dr. John Schinnerer and presentation availability, go
to http://www.guidetoself.com or call
(925) 944-3440.

Look for Dr. John Schinnerer’s new book coming soon. “Guide To Self:
The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought.” Available
September 2006 at www.guidetoself.com.
Duration:27 minutes, 43 seconds

MP3 File

Copyright 2005-06 Guide To Self, John Schinnerer, PhD.

Posted in Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Infinet Assessment, Happiness, Victims of bullying, Depression, Rational mind, Anger Management, Managing Anxiety, Emotional management, Emotional mind, School age bullies, Tips to help anxiety, Managing stress, Realistic optimism, Forgiveness, Positive Psychology, Dr. John Schinnerer, Life coach, Staying calm, Emotional IQ, Guide to Self, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

Life Leeches and Energy Vampires - The People Who Suck Your Energy Dry

26. January 2006 by John Schinnerer.

Life Leeches - People that Drain Your Energy, Part 2.

Part 2 in an ongoing series on Life Leeches: Everyone of us knows one, a person who leaves you drained, exhausted and miserable after every encounter. They’re called Life Leeches - people who drain you of your most precious commodity - your energy. Life Leeches create barriers to a happy life. They don’t want you to be happy because they aren’t happy.

There are at least 14 types of Life Leeches of which you need to be aware. The Volcanic Leech, the Malicious Life Leeches (i.e., the dangerous Antisocial Leech and the Empty Shell Leech), the Oblivious Leech, the Whining Leech and more.

Find out about the various types of Leeches AND how to identify them so they don’t drain you of your strength and patience. Guide To Self Radio is hosted by Dr. John Schinnerer, a psychologist out of U.C. Berkeley.

More shows are available at http://www.guidetoself.com/interviews.htm.
Dr. John is available for coaching and keynote speaking engagments at (925) 944-3440.
Duration:27 minutes, 48 seconds

MP3 File

Copyright 2005-06 Guide To Self, John Schinnerer, PhD.

Posted in Anger Management, Relationships, School age bullies, Emotional IQ, Business & psych, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

The 14 Types of Life Leeches and Energy Vampires

25. January 2006 by John Schinnerer.

Everyone of us knows one, a person who leaves you feeling drained, exhausted and negative, after every encounter. They’re called Life Leeches - people who suck…you dry. Life Leeches create barriers to a happy life. They don’t want you to be happy because they aren’t happy.

There are at least 14 types of Life Leeches of which you need to be aware. The Volcanic Leech, the Emotional Ice Cube, the Sprinting Leech, the Antisocial Leech, the Oblivious Leech, the Empty Shell Leech, the Advice Junkie Leech and more.

Find out about the various types of Leeches AND how to identify them so they don’t drain you of your vitality. Guide To Self Radio is hosted by Dr. John Schinnerer, a psychologist out of U.C. Berkeley.
More shows are available at http://www.guidetoself.com/interviews.htm.
Duration:27 minutes, 21 seconds

MP3 File

Copyright 2005-06 Guide To Self, John Schinnerer, PhD.

Posted in Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Emotional mind, Men's emotions, Relationships, Infinet Assessment, Happiness, Dr. John Schinnerer, Life coach, Emotional IQ, Bullies | Print | No Comments »