4. March 2010 by John Schinnerer.

This past weekend, I presented at a Parenting Conference on Strengths-Based Approaches to parenting. At the conference, a new film, The Race to Nowhere, was screened.The movie brought up a number of pertinent issues regarding the educational system in the United States…

The creation of high degrees of chronic stress in all ages of students (but not all students) due to excessive homework demands.

The excessive homework load seems to be largely due to curriculum which has been pushed down to lower and lower grade, often to the point where the academic requirements are mismatched with the developmental stage of the student.

The well being and happiness of students are not considered relevant in the current educational system.

The current system puts students into a constant forward-looking race to get to the next stage of education. For instance, sixth graders are looking at which foreign language classes to take to get into college; 7th & 8th graders are focused on what to do now to get into the advanced track classes in high school; many high school students are continually focused on what they can do in terms of extracurriculars and AP grades to get into the ‘right’ colleges.

Once in college, students are finding they never learned how to think critically on their own. Rather they were taught to regurgitate facts to do well on standardized tests which assess only a fraction of the whole child’s abilities and skills. 

At some point, many of these students are running headlong into a period of purposelessness and some are even dropping out of college due to depression, anxiety and hopelessness. If you are interested in finding out more about the movie, check out their site at RaceToNowhere.com.

Today, I came across a new study out of Penn State which shows a link between adolescent stress, depression and obesity. Below is a review on the study borrowed from a fantastic psychology site PsychCentral.com.

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on February 25, 2010

Obesity is a disturbing worldwide trend. In fact, researchers say the effects are so pervasive that unless the issue is controlled, children born today will not live longer than their parents.

A new research finding provides insight on how a mental health issue may trigger obesity among adolescents. In the study, researchers discovered depression raises stress hormone levels in adolescent boys and girls. And, among girls, the stress hormones may lead to obesity.

Accordingly, early treatment of depression could help reduce stress and control obesity.

[snip]

Cortisol, a hormone, regulates various metabolic functions in the body and is released as a reaction to stress. Researchers have long known that depression and cortisol are related to obesity, but they had not figured out the exact biological mechanism.

Although it is not clear why high cortisol reactions translate into obesity only for girls, scientists believe it may be due to physiological and behavioral differences (in girls, estrogen release and stress eating) in the way the two genders cope with anxiety.

“The implications are to start treating depression early because we know that depression, cortisol and obesity are related in adults,” said Susman.

If depression were to be treated earlier, she noted, it could help reduce the level of cortisol, and thereby help reduce obesity.

“We know stress is a critical factor in many mental and physical health problems,” said Susman.

“We are putting together the biology of stress, emotions and a clinical disorder to better understand a major public health problem.”

Susman and her colleagues Lorah D. Dorn, professor of pediatrics, Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, and Samantha Dockray, postdoctoral fellow, University College London, used a child behavior checklist to assess 111 boys and girls ages 8 to 13 for symptoms of depression.

Next they measured the children’s obesity and the level of cortisol in their saliva before and after various stress tests.

[snip]

Statistical analyses of the data suggest that depression is associated with spikes in cortisol levels for boys and girls after the stress tests, but higher cortisol reactions to stress are associated with obesity only in girls. The team reported its findings in a recent issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health.

“In these children, it was mainly the peak in cortisol that was related to obesity,” Susman explained. “It was how they reacted to an immediate stress.”

Source: Penn State University

For full article, click here.

Have a wonderful and stress-free week!

All the best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Author of the award-winning book Guide To Self:

The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion & Thought Guide To Self, Inc.

913 San Ramon Valley Blvd. #280

Danville CA 94526

(925) 575-0258

GuideToSelf.com - Web site

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23. February 2010 by John Schinnerer.

A first of kind study was released this past week by The European Society of Cardiology showing that individuals who experience positive emotions more frequently are less likely to succumb to heart disease (as compared to those who feel positive emotions less frequently or less intensely).

They sent out the following news release regarding the study which appears in European Heart Journal.

Don’t worry, be happy!  Positive emotions protect against heart disease

People who are usually happy, enthusiastic and content are less likely to develop heart disease than those who tend not to be happy, according to a major new study published today (Thursday 18 February).

The authors believe that the study, published in the Europe’s leading cardiology journal, the European Heart Journal [1], is the first to show such an independent relationship between positive emotions and coronary heart disease.

Dr Karina Davidson, who led the research, said that although this was an observational study, her study did suggest that it might be possible to help prevent heart disease by enhancing people’s positive emotions.

However, she cautioned that it would be premature to make clinical recommendations without clinical trials to investigate the findings further.

‘We desperately need rigorous clinical trials in this area. If the trials support our findings, then these results will be incredibly important in describing specifically what clinicians and/or patients could do to improve health,’ said Dr Davidson, who is the Herbert Irving Associate Professor of Medicine & Psychiatry and Director of the Center for Behavioral Cardiovascular Health at Columbia University Medical Center (New York, USA).

Over a period of ten years, Dr Davidson and her colleagues followed 1,739 healthy adults (862 men and 877 women) who were participating in the 1995 Nova Scotia Health Survey. At the start of the study, trained nurses assessed the participants’ risk of heart disease and, with both self-reporting and clinical assessment, they measured symptoms of depression, hostility, anxiety and the degree of expression of positive emotions, which is known as ‘positive affect.’

Positive affect is defined as the experience of pleasurable emotions such as joy, happiness, excitement, enthusiasm and contentment. These feelings can be transient, but they are usually stable and trait-like, particularly in adulthood. Positive affect is largely independent of negative affect, so that someone who is generally a happy, contented person can also be occasionally anxious, angry or depressed.

After taking account of age, sex, cardiovascular risk factors and negative emotions, the researchers found that, over the ten-year period, increased positive affect predicted less risk of heart disease by 22% per point on a five-point scale measuring levels of positive affect expression (ranging from “none” to “extreme”).

Dr Davidson said: ‘Participants with no positive affect were at a 22% higher risk of ischaemic heart disease (heart attack or angina) than those with a little positive affect, who were themselves at 22% higher risk than those with moderate positive affect.’

‘We also found that if someone, who was usually positive, had some depressive symptoms at the time of the survey, this did not affect their overall lower risk of heart disease.’

‘As far as we know, this is the first prospective study to examine the relationship between clinically-assessed positive affect and heart disease.’

The researchers speculate about what could be the possible mechanisms by which positive emotions might be responsible for conferring long-term protection from heart disease. These include influence on heart rates, sleeping patterns and smoking cessation.

“We have several possible explanations,” said Dr Davidson. “First, those with positive affect may have longer periods of rest or relaxation physiologically. Baroreflex and parasympathetic regulation may, therefore, by superior in these persons, compared to those with little positive affect. Second, those with positive affect may recover more quickly from stressors, and may not spend as much time ‘re-living’ them, which in turn seems to cause physiological damage. This is speculative, as we are just beginning to explore why positive emotions and happiness have positive health benefits.”

She said that most successful interventions for depression include increasing positive affect as well as decreasing negative affect. If clinical trials supported the findings of this study, then it would be relatively easy to assess positive affect in patients and suggest interventions to improve it to help prevent heart disease. In the meantime, people reading about this research could take some simple steps to increase their positive affect.

‘Like the observational finding that moderate wine consumption is healthy (and enjoyable), at this point ordinary people can ensure they have some pleasurable activities in their daily lives,’ she said. ‘Some people wait for their two weeks of vacation to have fun, and that would be analogous to binge drinking (moderation and consistency, not deprivation and binging, is what is needed). If you enjoy reading novels, but never get around to it, commit to getting 15 minutes or so of reading in. If walking or listening to music improves your mood, get those activities in your schedule. Essentially, spending some few minutes each day truly relaxed and enjoying yourself is certainly good for your mental health, and may improve your physical health as well (although this is, as yet, not confirmed).’

In an accompanying editorial by Bertram Pitt, Professor of Internal Medicine, and Patricia Deldin, Associate Professor of Psychology and Psychiatry, both at the University of Michigan School of Medicine (Michigan, USA), the authors pointed out that, currently, no one knew whether positive affect had a direct or indirect causal role in heart disease, or whether there was a third, underlying factor at work, common to both conditions. Nor was it known for certain whether it was possible to modify and improve positive affect, and to what extent.

‘Randomised controlled trials of interventions to increase positive affect in patients with cardiovascular disease are now underway and will help determine the effectiveness of increasing positive affect on cardiovascular outcome and will provide insight into the nature of the relationship between positive affect and cardiovascular disease,’ they wrote.

‘The ‘vicious cycle’ linking cardiovascular disease to major depression and depression to cardiovascular disease deserves greater attention from both the cardiovascular and psychiatric investigators……..These new treatments [to increase positive affect] could open an exciting potential new approach for treating patients with known cardiovascular disease who develop depression. If Davidson et al.’s observations and hypotheses stimulate further investigation regarding the effect of increased positive affect on physiological abnormalities associated with cardiovascular risk, perhaps it will be time for all of us to smile.’

Notes:

[1] ‘Don’t worry, be happy: positive affect and reduced 10-year incident coronary heart disease: The Canadian Nova Scotia Health Survey.’  European Heart Journal. doi:10.1093/eurheartj/ehp603.

[2] ‘Depression and cardiovascular disease: have a happy day - just smile!’. European Heart Journal. doi:10.1093/eurheartj/ehq031

We may as well add this to the growing mountain of research documenting the tremendous potential of positive emotions (currently there are more than 65,000 studies documenting the positive impact on optimal human functioning of happiness, life satisfaction, subjective well-being, and positive emotions). Think of it as a matter of degree and frequency that we’re trying to increase. It’s not a black or white issue in which positive psychology is saying you have to be happy all the time. That would be absurd. Rather, the idea is to increase the amount of time (as well as the intensity and duration) you spend in positive emotional states such as contentment, relaxation, curiosity, awe, pride, love, joy, laughter, hope, amusement and so on. And positive emotions is just one of the areas covered by positive psychology.

Have a tremendous day!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Author of the award winning ‘Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought’

Follow John on Twitter at @johnschin

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3. February 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Today I have the privilege of running an article by Stanley Popovich on overcoming fear and anxiety. Stanley is a published author and more info can be gleaned on Stanley from his website at www.managingfear.com.

By: Stanley Popovich

Everybody deals with anxiety and depression, however some people have a hard time in managing it. As a result, here is a brief list of techniques that a person can use to help manage their most persistent fears and every day anxieties.

When facing a current or upcoming task that overwhelms you with a lot of anxiety, the first thing you can do is to divide the task into a series of smaller steps. Completing these smaller tasks one at a time will make the stress more manageable and increases your chances of success.

Sometimes we get stressed out when everything happens all at once. When this happens, a person should take a deep breath and try to find something to do for a few minutes to get their mind off of the problem.  A person could get some fresh air, listen to some music, or do an activity that will give them a fresh perspective on things.

A person should visualize a red stop sign in their mind when they encounter a fear provoking thought. When the negative thought comes, a person should think of a red stop sign that serves as a reminder to stop focusing on that thought and to think of something else. A person can then try to think of something positive to replace the negative thought.

Another technique that is very helpful is to have a small notebook of positive statements that makes you feel good. Whenever you come across an affirmation that makes you feel good, write it down in a small notebook that you can carry around with you in your pocket.  Whenever you feel depressed or frustrated, open up your small notebook and read those statements.   This will help to manage your negative thinking.

Learn to take it one day at a time. Instead of worrying about how you will get through the rest of the week, try to focus on today. Each day can provide us with different opportunities to learn new things and that includes learning how to deal with your problems. You never know when the answers you are looking for will come to your doorstep. We may be ninety-nine percent correct in predicting the future, but all it takes is for that one percent to make a world of difference.

Take advantage of the help that is available around you. If possible, talk to a professional who can help you manage your depression and anxieties. They will be able to provide you with additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem.  By talking to a professional, a person will be helping themselves in the long run because they will become better able to deal with their problems in the future.  Remember that it never hurts to ask for help.

Dealing with our persistent fears is not easy.  Remember that all you can do is to do your best each day, hope for the best, and take things in stride. Patience, persistence, education, and being committed in trying to solve your problem will go along way in fixing your problems.

BIOGRAPHY:

Stan Popovich is the author of “A Layman’s Guide to Managing Fear Using Psychology, Christianity and Non Resistant Methods” - an easy to read book that presents a general overview of techniques that are effective in managing persistent fears and anxieties. For additional information go to: http://www.managingfear.com/  < -->

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27. January 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Reprinted from PsychCentral.com

By Rick Nauert PhD Senior News Editor
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on January 26, 2010

Perrhaps a new finding is not a surprise to the millions who are following the Tiger Woods fiasco, but despite the rise in power and accomplishments of women, a research study from Spain finds men display less guilt and lower levels of sensitivity than women.

In the study, researchers discovered feelings of guilt are “significantly higher” among women. However, they determined the main problem is not that women feel a lot of guilt (which they do), but rather that many males feel “too little.”

“Our initial hypothesis was that feelings of guilt are more intense among females, not only among adolescents but also among young and adult women, and they also show the highest scores for interpersonal sensitivity,” Itziar Etxebarria, lead author of the study and a researcher at the University of the Basque Country (UPV/EHU) said.

The research, published in the Spanish Journal of Psychology, was carried out using a sample from three age groups (156 teenagers, 96 young people and 108 adults) equally divided between males and females.

The team of psychologists asked them what situations most often caused them to feel guilt. They also carried out interpersonal sensitivity tests – the Davis Empathetic Concern Scale, and a questionnaire on Interpersonal Guilt, created purposely for this study.

When it came to comparing the measurements of intensity of habitual guilt of these groups, the researchers saw that this score was significantly higher for women, in all three age groups. “This difference is particularly stark in the 40-50-year-old age group”, points out Etxebarria.

The data also suggest that female teenagers and young women have higher scores than males of the same age. “This is caused by certain educational practices, which demand more of females, and which are sometimes still in use despite belief to the contrary,” claims the scientist.

The authors also found gender differences – similar to those noted for habitual guilt – in the two indices of interpersonal sensitivity, although in the 40-50 age bracket the men’s levels came closer to women’s.

The interpersonal sensitivity of men (especially those aged between 25-33) is “comparatively low.” The experts say a lack of sensitivity could lead to absence or excessive weakness of certain kinds of guilt, such as empathetic guilt, which could be beneficial for interpersonal relationships and for the individual.

Types of guilt

The most common forms of guilt are related to situations where we cause harm to others. Stemming from this, it is normal that this arouses feelings of empathy for the people we may have harmed, which tend to turn into feelings of guilt when we recognize that we are responsible for their suffering.

A previous study, also headed by Itziar Etxebarria, analyzes people’s experiences of guilt, differentiating two components – one of these being empathetic (sorrow for the person we have harmed in some way) and the other anxious-aggressive (unease and contained aggression).

The anxious-aggressive kind of guilt is more common in people who have been raised in a more blame-imposing environment, and who are governed by stricter rules about behavior in general and aggression in particular.

“It seems obvious that this component will be more intense among women, and especially in older women,” says Etxebarria.

The greater presence of this component among women, above all those aged between 40 and 50, explains the marked differences in the intensity of habitual guilt in this age group, “just at the age when males move towards females in the two indices of interpersonal sensitivity analyzed”, she explains.

“Educational practices and a whole range of socializing agents must be used to reduce the trend towards anxious-aggressive guilt among women and to strengthen interpersonal sensitivity among men”, concludes the researcher.

Source: FECYT - Spanish Foundation for Science and Technology

 Original article may be found here http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/01/26/sensitivity-feelings-of-guilt-low-in-men/10958.html 

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20. January 2010 by John Schinnerer.

A reprint of a useful and classic column written in 2006…

Guide To Self – Latest Methods for Dealing with Sadness
Dr. John Schinnerer
Guide To Self Life Coaching

A great day to you and welcome to Guide To Self where you learn the latest ways to deal with sadness!

As many of you know, my wife and I recently had our fourth child, a girl named Molly Marie. She is now six weeks old which means we’ve gone six weeks without much sleep. My wife and I are exhausted. The other three children are jealous to one degree or another. And my mood recently took a nosedive.

So today, I’m going to share with you steps you can take to defeat depression, sadness, a funk or whatever you want to call it.

Sadness is Different for Men than for Women

Be aware that sadness takes different shapes. Typically, sadness appears as anger and irritability in men and comes out as sorrow and melancholy in women. So it looks different when I get down from when my wife gets down. I tend to get more irritable and less patient. I feel overwhelmed more easily. I have a harder time staying in the present moment. My thoughts take me to the past or the future more quickly. My energy level is low. My body aches more. And I get less joy out of my daily routines.

So I want to share with you what exactly is going on in my life. I want to make you aware of what it takes to cause a road bump in my emotional path. I told you about not sleeping well for six weeks due to the baby. That’s a big one. Sleep disturbance is enough to mess up anyone’s mood. In my case, lack of sleep led to a cold and sore throat.

On top of that, I’m not a wealthy man. In fact, nearly the opposite, I’m in debt. I have not made money doing this radio show. So I pay for the privilege of sharing my knowledge with listeners. Roughly 2 hours per day are spent preparing for the show. I book my own guests. I write my own scripts. I respond to emails and letters.

Also, I’m currently in charge of two companies. I’m working on corporate taxes which I don’t particularly enjoy.

I see several clients daily for coaching where I deal with other people’s problems most of the day.

I’m trying to find the time to finish two books.

At night, once the children are in bed, I add radio shows to the website and do the programming.

My wife is now back to work 3 days per week as a hairdresser. This means that two mornings a week, with the help of a nanny, I juggle a newborn and a 5-year-old.

My house is partially torn up due to a contractor who left the job half-finished. So we’re now in the process of drawing up new plans and finding a new contractor.

Right now, it feels as if every relationship in my life is consuming my energy. And I’m running on empty. So I’ve been exhausted and bummed out the last couple of days.

So what do I do?

How does a psychologist break out of a funk?

I’ll tell you how. Dealing with sadness that stays with you for a few days or weeks may require a lifestyle change for you – it’s about dealing with your whole person – diet, exercise, faith, mind and relationships.

Top Ways to Deal with Sadness

First, I never stop exercising. Even when my mind is trying to find a way out of it, I will at least walk for 20 minutes. It’s critical that you exercise twenty minutes a day for mood and longer than that if you want to lose weight. This can be as simple as climbing the stairs at work twice a day, or walking for 20 minutes. When I’m working out, I will think about getting rid of all my fear and anger. Exercise is one of the best ways to work negative emotions out of your body.

Second, I remind myself of what is truly important by determining what is really important and what is not. How do I do this? I ask myself the question, “Will this matter a year from now?” Most of the time, the answer is “No, it won’t matter.” It’s one of the ways we can learn to be less emotionally reactive and more thoughtfully proactive. If you’re like me, you have to train yourself to behave in healthy ways because most people did not learn these tricks growing up. So you need to retrain your brain. As you learn to respond more effectively to minor inconveniences, it leaves you more positive energy to respond to actual crises. This is known to many as wisdom - the ability to deal well with your own suffering as well as help others with theirs.

Third, I focus on everything for which I am grateful – my wife, my children, my dog, my friends, my coworkers, my God, my health and so on. It is critical that you learn how to appreciate life. Life is a gift that has been granted to us. The more we appreciate and cherish the gift, the more we understand what a magical journey life is. Your thoughts matter tremendously in this equation of emotion.

A study done at NIMH focused on the power of thought and emotion. The brain activity of ten normal women was monitored under 3 different conditions.

The researcher recorded each person’s brain activity when they were thinking neutral thoughts, happy thoughts, and sad thoughts.

During the neutral thoughts, nothing changed in the brain.

During the happy thoughts, the limbic system, or the emotional brain, cooled down, and became less active resulting in a more relaxed and energized state.

During the sad thoughts, the limbic system, the emotional brain, became aroused and active which has negative effects on your body – tense muscles, quickened heart rate, perspiration and so on.

Think about the last time you felt happy. How did your body feel? Your muscles relax, your hands become dry, your heart rate slows, and you breathe more deeply. Your body reacts to EVERY FEELING YOU HAVE! This is proof that your emotions matter!

Fourth, welcome the feeling of sadness. It is there for a reason. There is a message or lesson involved in the emotion. Your job is to figure the message out. Once you’ve accepted the feeling, let it go, breathe it out. Emotions are meant to be temporary.

One of my main difficulties growing up was that I could sense or pick up the emotions of other people. I was intuitive even as a little child. The problem is that no one teaches you what to do with that emotional energy. And it’s very draining.

I used to think of myself as a container for negative emotions such as anger, sadness and fear. What I found is that thinking of yourself as a container for emotions is not a healthy way to picture it. It’s much more helpful to think of yourself as a net which catches positive emotions and allows negative emotions to pass through. Keep in mind that these are just emotions. Emotions are not permanent. They are not intended to remain with us. They are just passing through.

Fifth, as the human brain is easily altered, I change the music I listen to. Once I have made up my mind to change my mood, I purposefully listen to upbeat lively music. I watch only comedies. Realize that your brain is incredibly open to suggestion. Not only can music and television alter your brain, as I mentioned, your very thoughts and feelings have the ability to change the physical make-up of your brain.

You have to be cautious what you expose yourself too. Your senses take in over 4 billion bits of information per second. You are only consciously aware of 2,000 of those bits per second. This means that your mind is constantly taking in seeds and you are not even aware of it – overhearing conversations, televisions playing in the background, commercials you try to ignore, music lyrics and so on. So your emotional state, your thoughts, your judgments all have a tremendous effect on what information you are consciously aware of.

When you are touched, you have a physical sensation. When you feel an emotion, you also have a physical sensation in your body. Every physical sensation, every thought, every feeling is written into your brain. The more times you have it, the more deeply it is written into your brain. So the longer you spend immersed in sad feelings and morose thoughts, the more your body becomes accustomed to that state of being. The more your body becomes accustomed to it, the more it wants to remain there. The harder it is to break out. While you want to welcome the feeling and embrace it, you also want to breathe it out as soon as possible. Don’t spend too long wallowing in self-pity.

Sixth, work in sprints – go two hours and then break for ten minutes. Give yourself a break every two hours at least. Our brain works best that way. It’s difficult and less effective to work eight hours straight.

Seventh, stay in the present moment. Train your thoughts to stay focused on the present moment. When you find Gremlin thoughts coming to take you to the past or the future, redirect yourself to the right now and right here.

Eighth, stop using toxic elements. This includes alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, cocaine, nicotine and sugars. Caffeine and nicotine have been shown in brain studies to decrease overall blood flow to the brain, making most symptoms worsen over time. They also decrease the effectiveness of many medications and increase the number and severity of side effects. Most of the substances we reach for when sad act as central nervous system depressants anyway. When you’re already depressed, you don’t want to add fuel to the fire with alcohol or marijuana.

Ninth, add Omega-3 to your daily diet. Omega-3 stabilizes mood & improves overall brain functioning. Omega-3 fatty acids are essential fatty acids crucial for growth and development. My favorite, and one of the most studied nutrients, is the Omega-3 fatty acids. About 60% of the brain is made up of fats (lipids) that make up the lining of every brain cell. Omega-3s are required by the brain to an extraordinary degree. They cannot be produced by our bodies but must be ingested via diet or pills. They are found in large, fatty, cold water fish, olive oil, and canola oil. Omega-3s help turn down the ‘volume’ of communications between brain cells (similar to the action of a mood stabilizer). Documented benefits of Omega-3 oils include improved mood, clearer thinking, more serenity, better concentration and focus, and better vision.

Tenth, add B Vitamins and folate in particular to your supplement regimen. Published studies have shown a relationship between B vitamins and depression. Increasing levels of B vitamins are highly likely to improve your mood.

Eleventh, add ginseng. Ginseng is popularly touted as a way to beat stress, improve vigor and simply feel better. The main idea with ginseng is that it helps when your body is stressed. Stress occurs anytime you are challenged above and beyond what your body is used to. An Olympic skier won’t ski faster by taking ginseng. He’s used to that stress of exercise. A working mother of two kids won’t notice a difference. She’s accustomed to her daily routine. However, throw in a new baby, or an ill parent, and you’ve just spilled over into exhaustion. That’s when ginseng does make a difference - when you have to push beyond your limits to the point of exhaustion. Ginseng helps increase your resistance and prevent exhaustion.

Twelfth, breathe – I have covered deep breathing in previous shows. This is the deep diaphragmatic breathing where you breathe into your abdomen, not your chest. Focus on pushing out all of the air in your lungs. The goal is to fill your lungs 100% with fresh air on each breath.

Just as with your thoughts and feelings, you want to be constantly aware of your breathing every second of every day. Remember, we’ve already shown it is possible to split your conscious mind in two parts. One part you can use to tend to the daily demands of your life. The other part must be used to monitor your breathing, your thoughts and your feelings. With practice, it can be done.

Thirteenth, don’t isolate yourself. As much as you can, surround yourself with family and friends.

Fourteenth, go easier on yourself. Learn self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would a young child.

Forgive yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings. Picture yourself as a small child. Now picture yourself parenting yourself. Forgive yourself as you would like to have been forgiven as a child. Mistakes are merely learning opportunities. And learn to forgive others.

Let go of anger and disappointment by writing a letter forgiving the individual who has hurt you. Holding on to the anger only harms you. Forgiving enables you to move on and get past the hurt.

Fifteenth, return to nature. This is a great way to reconnect with your soul. Just take a few minutes, go outside, breathe in deeply, and look at the birds, the trees and the grass.

Sixteenth, get your sleep. Research has shown that adults need between 7 and 8 hours of sleep. Adolescents need 9 to 9 1/2 hours per night. No more, no less. If you are too far on either side, you are playing with fire. Sleep too little you risk exhaustion. Sleep too much, you risk lethargy and depression.

Seventeenth, do something for someone else. Altruism is perhaps the most powerful way to snap your mind out of a funk. Focus on someone besides yourself.

To sum up, there are at least fifteen things you can do immediately to pull yourself up and out of a funk. These include taking supplements such as Omega-3 fatty acids, B vitamins, and ginseng, getting your 8 hours of sleep, daily exercise, staying in the present moment, and more. Remember to welcome the feelings that you have. Don’t repress them. That leads to physical troubles such as high blood pressure and heart disease. Rather, be aware of them, listen to them, and let them go. Think of yourself as a net through which emotions pass and not as a container for feelings.

More information on sadness and depression and ways to overcome them may be found at the Guide To Self website at http://www.guidetoself.com.

Guide To Self(C) 2005-10.

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16. January 2010 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Happiness is catching. Happiness spreads through friends, spouses, siblings and neighbors. There is a ripple effect whereby happiness extends widely through social networks, even between people who may not know one another. One’s happiness depends on the degree of happiness of those surrounding her.

Happiness at Harvard?

A study performed at Harvard University, by Nicholas Christakis, is the first of its kind to demonstrate the existence of clusters of happy and sad individuals. Happiness depends upon the happiness of those around them. What’s more, individuals who surround themselves with happy people are more likely to be happy in the future. One’s future happiness can actually be predicted by the number of happy people surrounding them and the degree to which the social network as a whole experiences constructive emotions, such as happiness.  These findings come from an analysis of the Framingham Heart Study social network, a longitudinal study that has followed nearly 5,000 people for over 20 years.

Happiness Spreads Through Social Networks

Study findings suggest that happiness results from the spread of happiness throughout social networks and not merely from individuals choosing to surround themselves with like-minded individuals. For example, if your next door neighbor becomes happier due to a job promotion, your likelihood of becoming happier increases by 34%. And this happiness effect can linger for up to one year.

Happiness Ripples Out to Friends of Your Friends

This relationship between individual’s happiness holds true for the first three degrees of separation. For example, when John becomes happier, it buoys the happiness of John’s friends as well as the friends of John’s friends. So there is a ripple effect of happiness within social circles where happiness is contagious and spreads similar to the waves of a wireless network. And we are consciously aware of little, if any, of it.

In the past five to ten years, more and more studies have looked at happiness and what determines it (e.g., genetics, money, elections, marital status and emotional management). However, no study has looked at human happiness as it relates to the happiness of others. While the study is the first of its kind and needs to be replicated to ensure the accuracy of these findings, the findings are remarkable and exhilarating.

Positive Emotional Contagion

Emotional contagion, the process by which one person picks up the feelings of another, has been scientifically documented since 1994. Emotions may be ‘caught’ from others for a length of time ranging from seconds to weeks.  This is particularly true of destructive emotions - anger, fear and sadness. In fact, the hard part is not ‘catching’ the emotions but in protecting oneself from them, keeping them at bay. Until this study, emotional contagion had not been documented for any of the positive, constructive emotions such as joy, contentment, peacefulness or happiness. 

The difficulty is that most people primarily feel destructive emotions. Most people experience more destructive emotions than constructive emotions. 

Cutoff Point for a Happy, Thriving Life

On the other hand, roughly 10% of adults in the United States feel three times as much positive emotion as negative. This 3:1 ratio is the measuring stick for a thriving happy life as set by Barbara Fredrickson at UNC Chapel Hill. It appears that this top 10% is raising the level of happiness of many others. Imagine if it were possible to raise this thriving, happy portion of the population to 15% or 20%.

Benefits of Increasing Societal Happiness

Assuming the percentage of the populace experiencing happiness could be improved, here are just a few of the possible societal benefits:

The economy would improve (e.g., higher ratios of positive, open-ended inquiries are present in executive teams in highly successful firms)

Creativity would increase (e.g., happiness is necessary for greater innovation and open-mindedness)

Productivity would soar (e.g., a happy employee is a productive employee; optimistic salespeople outsell pessimistic ones by approximately 38%; happy employees engage more effectively with customers)

The burden on the health care system would be eased (e.g., happiness improves immune system functioning; teaching the skills of happiness and optimism reduces depression and anxiety).

People would live longer (e.g., happy, optimistic people live 7 – 10 years longer than those who are pessimistic and unhappy)

The educational system would show significant academic gains (e.g., students taught to be more happy and optimistic showed significant gains on achievement testing and received better grades)

Happiness is Learnable

The exciting part is that happiness can be taught. It can be learned. People can learn to feel positive emotions more frequently and more intensely. Emotional management is a learnable skill. Just as one practices a sport and improves over time so it is with emotions.   As individuals learn to string together more and more happy moments, the ripple effect spills over and one person’s happiness positively influences others.  It even influences the happiness of other people they don’t know.

The goal is emotional management. The goal is happiness. The goal is to learn to mitigate destructive emotions and encourage positive emotions. Happiness is social phenomena. The more individuals experience positive emotions, the more society as a whole is happier, healthier, and more productive and that is no small feat.

About the Author

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping individuals learn happiness by mitigating destructive emotions and fostering constructive emotions. His practice is located in the Danville San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  

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28. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

NonWestern communal cultures keep biology from having its way with depression

From EurekaAlert.org…

EVANSTON, Ill. — A genetic tendency to depression is much less likely to be realized in a culture centered on collectivistic rather than individualistic values, according to a new Northwestern University study.

In other words, a genetic vulnerability to depression is much more likely to be realized in a Western culture than an East Asian culture that is more about we than me-me-me.

The study coming out of the growing field of cultural neuroscience takes a global look at mental health across social groups and nations.

Depression, research overwhelmingly shows, results from genes, environment and the interplay between the two. One of the most profound ways that people across cultural groups differ markedly, cultural psychology demonstrates, is in how they think of themselves.

“People from highly individualistic cultures like the United States and Western Europe are more likely to value uniqueness over harmony, expression over agreement, and to define themselves as unique or different from the group,” said Joan Chiao, the lead author of the study and assistant professor of psychology in the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences at Northwestern.

In contrast, people from collectivist cultures are more likely to value social harmony over individuality. “Relative to people in an individualistic culture, they are more likely to endorse behaviors that increase group cohesion and interdependence,” Chiao said.

Collectivist cultures may give individuals who are genetically susceptible to depression a tacit or explicit expectation of social support. “Such support seems to buffer vulnerable individuals from the environmental risks or stressors that serve as triggers to depressive episodes,” Chiao said.

The study by Chiao and Northwestern graduate student Katherine Blizinsky, “Culture-gene coevolution of individualism-collectivism and the serotonin transporter gene,” will be published online in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences.

For full release, please click here.

It’s interesting to note that many of the third wave of mental health therapies originate in Eastern cultures, such as mindfulness, nonattachment, nonjudgment, and accepting reality as it is. All of these skills originated in the East via Zen Buddhism or in Buddhism proper. And all of these skills are essential elements of Dialetic Behavior Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT).  All of these therapies have been shown to be effective in dealing with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD,  eating disorders, and several personality disorders such as the most difficult one to treat (in my opinion) - borderline personality disorder.

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Posted in Awareness, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Mindfulness, The human brain, Men's emotions, National speakers, Danville CA, Borderline Personality, Brain plasticity, Therapist, Emotion & productivity, Alexithymia, Managing Sadness, Guide to Self, Life coach, Dr. John Schinnerer, Measuring emotions, Staying calm, Tips to help anxiety, Managing Anxiety, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Depression, Managing stress | Print | No Comments »

22. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

ScienceDaily (Oct. 21, 2009) — Women are better than men at distinguishing between emotions, especially fear and disgust, according to a new study published in the online version of the journal Neuropsychologia. As part of the investigation, Olivier Collignon and a team from the Université de Montréal Centre de recherche en neuropsychologie et cognition (CERNEC) demonstrated that women are better than men at processing auditory, visual and audiovisual emotions.

While women have long been thought to outperform men in neuropsychological tests, until now, these findings were inconsistent. To obtain more conclusive evidence, the Université de Montréal researchers did not use photographs to analyze the reaction of subjects. Instead, the scientists hired actors and actresses to simulate fear and disgust. “Facial movements have been shown to play an important role in the perception of an emotion’s intensity as well as stimulate different parts of the brain used in the treatment of such information,” says Collignon, who also works as a researcher at the Université catholique de Louvain’s Institute of Neuroscience in Belgium.

[snip]

The study found that women were superior in completing assessments and responded quicker when emotions were portrayed by a female rather than a male actor. Compared to men, women were faster at processing facial and multisensory expressions.

[snip]

Autism and emotions

In 2002, researchers Baron and Cohen put forth a controversial theory stipulating that autism and Asperger’s syndrome are an extreme in male interpersonal behavior that’s characterized by impaired empathy and enhanced systematizing. “Seeing as our results show that men identify and express emotions less efficiently than women, it supports this theory to a certain extent,” says Collignon.

Differences between men and women

Are women natured or nurtured to be different? Biology may play a role, since there are few opportunities for socialization to shape such gender differences. Evolutionary psychologists have suggested that females, because of their role as primary caretakers, are wired to quickly and accurately decode or detect distress in preverbal infants or threatening signals from other adults to enhance their chances at survival.

For full article, please click here.

At some level, this feels like ‘Well, duh, of course women identify and express emotions more quickly and accurately.’ However, this is not something that has been scientifically proven beyond doubt. This study helps to swing the pendulum in the direction of females being more tuned in to the emotions of fear and disgust.

Cheers,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Posted in Alexithymia, Managing Anxiety, Men's emotions, Emotion & learning, Danville CA, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Dr. John Schinnerer, Measuring emotions, Life coach, Anxiety, Nature vs. nurture, Managing stress | Print | No Comments »

15. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

From PhysOrg.com…

‘An innovative diagnostic technique invented by a Monash University researcher could dramatically fast-track the detection of mental and neurological illnesses.

Monash biomedical engineer Brian Lithgow has developed electrovestibulography which is something akin to an ‘ECG for the mind’. Patterns of electrical activity in the brain’s vestibular (or balance) system are measured against distinct response patterns found in depression, schizophrenia and other Central Nervous System (CNS) disorders.

The vestibular system is closely connected to the primitive regions of the brain that relate to emotions and behaviour, so Lithgow saw the diagnostic potential of measuring and comparing different patterns of electrovestibular activity.

Monash has teamed up with corporate partner Neural Diagnostics to develop and patent electrovestibulography, or EVestG™. It is hoped the simple, quick and inexpensive screening process for CNS diseases will eventually become standard practice in hospitals around the world.

“The patient sits in a specially designed tilt chair that triggers electrical responses in their balance system. A gel-tipped electrode placed in the individual’s ear canal silences interfering noise so that these meaningful electrical responses are captured and recorded,” the Monash researcher said. “The responses are then compared to the distinct biomarkers indicative of particular CNS disorders, allowing diagnosis to be made in under an hour.”

Neural Diagnostics CEO Dr Roger Edwards said the implications of the new technique were huge.

“We are doing the necessary research and development and getting independent expert reports done, but results so far are cause for great optimism,” Dr Edwards said.’

For full article, please click here.

Stay happy!

John Schinnerer, PhD

Executive Coach

Danville CA 94526

Posted in National speakers, Neuropsychology, Hope, Emotion & learning, Danville CA, Executive coach, Emotion & productivity, The human brain, Alexithymia, Guide to Self, Dr. John Schinnerer, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Managing Sadness, Depression, Measuring emotions | Print | No Comments »

8. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

ScienceDaily (Oct. 7, 2009) — A new study from the University of New Hampshire finds that U.S. children are routinely exposed to even more violence and abuse than has been previously recognized, with nearly half experiencing a physical assault in the study year.

“Children experience far more violence, abuse and crime than do adults,” said David Finkelhor, director of the UNH Crimes against Children Research Center and the study director. “If life were this dangerous for ordinary grown-ups, we’d never tolerate it.”

The research was sponsored by the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ), Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention (OJJDP) and supported by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The research results are presented in the journal Pediatrics and an Office of Justice Programs/OJJDP bulletin titled “Children’s Exposure to Violence: A Comprehensive National Survey.”

UNH researchers asked a national sample of U.S. children and their caregivers about a far broader range of exposures than has been done in the past.

According to the research, three out of five children were exposed to violence, abuse or a criminal victimization in the last year, including 46 percent who had been physically assaulted, 10 percent who had been maltreated by a caregiver, 6 percent who had been sexually victimized, and 10 percent who had witnessed an assault within their family.

The authors contend that earlier studies of violence exposure only inquired about individual crimes – looking only at bullying or child maltreatment or sexual abuse. In contrast, this study asked about all such exposures as well as additional ones that are rarely, if ever, covered such as dating violence and witnessing domestic violence.

The study found that more than a third of the children had had two or more different kinds of exposures in the past year and 11 percent had five or more.

“Studies have missed the fact that there are a surprisingly large group of very repeatedly and variously victimized kids whom we should be doing a better job to help and protect,” Finkelhor said.

The researchers urge teachers, police, doctors, counselors, and parents to ask children about a broader range of possible victimization experiences, especially children who had been identified as victims already. They also call for new efforts to create safer schools, homes and other youth environments.

The study was conducted in 2008 and involved interviews with caregivers and youth about the experiences of a nationally representative sample of 4,549 children ages 0-17. In addition to Finkelhor, the authors include Heather Turner, professor of sociology at UNH, Richard Ormrod, research professor of geography at UNH, and Sherry Hamby, research associate professor of psychology at Sewanee, the University of the South.

For full article, click here.

Let’s keep trying. We can do better, folks!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

San Ramon, Danville, Alamo

Posted in Men's emotions, Alexithymia, Emotion & productivity, San Ramon CA, Violence and abuse, Anger Management, Emotional management, School age bullies, Dr. John Schinnerer, Victims of bullying, Depression, Parenting, Bullies | Print | No Comments »

1. October 2009 by John Schinnerer.

ScienceDaily (Oct. 1, 2009) — ‘Fewer than half of men and women who may be suffering from depression see a doctor to treat their potentially debilitating condition, according to a new women’s health study by researchers at St. Michael’s Hospital and the Institute for Clinical Evaluative Sciences (ICES).

Key findings of the POWER study include:

• Less than 50% of men and women with depression visited a doctor for care for their condition
• 33% of men and women discharged from hospital for severe depression did not see a doctor for a follow-up visit within 30 days
• 17% visited a hospital emergency room within 30 days of discharge from hospital while about 8% were readmitted to hospital
• Many older adults started on antidepressant medication did not receive the recommended number of follow-up visits to manage their condition.
• The lack of co-ordinated care for patients suggests the need for a collaborative care-model involving a team of health-care professionals, including mental health professionals and primary care providers.’

Depression is a treatable illness.

There are a number of different treatments - therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, mindfulness, and more.

Symptoms of depression may include:

irritability, short temper

fatigue and energy loss

weight loss or weight gain (5% of body weight)

overwhelming sadness

difficulty thinking clearly, making decisions and remembering details

overfocusing on dark, negative thoughts

sleep problems (either too much or too little)

loss of appetite or overeating

feelings of guilt, helplessness or loss of worth

increased feelings of pain, aches, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease with medical treatment

suicidal thoughts or taking actions towards suicide

persistent sad, ‘empty’ or nervous feelings

loss of interest in once pleasurable activities such as shopping, sex or hobbies.

pessimistic outlook

There are a number of activities one can engage in to alleviate depressive symptoms. Some are simple, easy and inexpensive. Some come from new branches of medicine such as positive psychology. Some are ancient, stemming from Buddhist practices which date back roughly 3000 years.

If you or someone you love is experiencing signs of depression, please seek help. At least 1 out of 4 people in the U.S. suffer from a depressive episode in their lifetime. It’s common and treatable.

My thoughts and feelings are with you!

All the best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Posted in Managing Sadness, Anger Management, Managing Anxiety, Alexithymia, Men's emotions, Emotion & productivity, Emotion & learning, Mindfulness, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Guide to Self, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Depression, Happiness, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

3. September 2009 by John Schinnerer.

BBC News released an article: “Depression looms as global crisis.”

Here are some excerpts:

The World Health Organization (WHO) predicts that within 20 years more people will be affected by depression than any other health problem.

According to the WHO, depression will be the biggest health burden on society both economically and sociologically. Yet, it says most developing countries spend less than 2% of their national budgets on mental healthcare.

The warning comes as the first Global Mental Health Summit starts in Athens, Greece.

WHO figures reveal that currently, over 450 million people are directly affected by mental disorders or disabilities, most of whom live in developing countries.

The five-day summit in Athens will provide the opportunity to address what the organizers are calling a crisis in global mental healthcare.

The scientific concept of “burden” is the measure of years lost of life, due to early death or severe disability brought on by a certain illness, in this case depression.

Dr Saxena says depression is much more common than some other diseases that are more widely feared such as HIV-Aids or cancer.

“One could call it a silent epidemic because depression is more often being recognized, but it has been there throughout and is likely to increase in terms of proportion when other diseases are actually going down.”

THE SILENT EPIDEMIC

About half of mental disorders begin before the age of 14.

Around 20% of the world’s children and adolescents are estimated to have mental disorders or problems.

Most low- and middle-income countries have only one child psychiatrist for every 1 to 4 million people.

About 800,000 people commit suicide every year, 86% of them in low- and middle-income countries.

More than half of the people who kill themselves are aged between 15 and 44.

The article can be found online at:

<http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8230549.stm> 

Hang in there!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide To Self, Inc.

Danville, CA

Shrunken Mind w/Dr. John Schinnerer - Using Positive Psychology to Master Life

Posted in Alexithymia, Managing Sadness, Men's emotions, National speakers, Emotion & productivity, Danville CA, Anger Management, Emotional management, Guide to Self, Dr. John Schinnerer, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Emotional mind, Depression, Managing stress | Print | No Comments »

10. August 2009 by John Schinnerer.

A beautiful article from Science Daily on the importance of teaching realistic optimism and resilience to students…

ScienceDaily (Aug. 9, 2009) — Teaching children how to be more resilient along with regular classroom instruction can improve children’s outlook on life, curb depression and boost grades, according to a researcher who spoke at the American Psychological Association’s convention August 8.

“In the last 50 years, the U.S. population has seen an increase in their standard of living, such as having more money, owning more homes and cars and living longer. But our sense of meaning, purpose and satisfaction with life have not gone up, they have gone down,” said psychologist Martin Seligman, PhD, of the University of Pennsylvania. “This has been especially detrimental to children. Nearly 20 percent of young people experience depression.”

The effects can carry over to adulthood and cause early death, more health problems, less satisfaction with jobs and relationships and higher rates of depression, he added.

Speaking at the APA’s 117th annual convention, Seligman showed how teaching resilience, positive emotion, and a sense of purpose in school can protect children against depression, increase their life satisfaction and improve their learning power.

The researchers looked at two evidence-based programs, the Penn Resiliency Program (PRP) and the Positive Psychology Program (PPP). The PRP sought to increase students’ ability to handle day-to-day stressors and problems that are common for adolescents. This program was designed to prevent depression.

The PRP promotes optimism by teaching students to think more realistically and flexibly about the problems they encounter. PRP also teaches assertiveness, creative brainstorming, decision-making, relaxation and other coping and problem-solving skills.

Read the full article here  http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090807135054.htm

Have a Marvelous Monday!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Posted in Alexithymia, Managing Sadness, Anger Management, Managing Anxiety, The human brain, Resiliency, National speakers, Raising optimistic children, Gratitude, Emotional management, Emotional mind, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Realistic optimism, Guide to Self, Anxiety, Happiness, School age bullies, School psychology, Positive Psychology | Print | No Comments »

7. August 2009 by John Schinnerer.

August 7th, 2009

Louis Armstrong sang, “When you’re smilin’, the whole world smiles with you.” Romantics everywhere may be surprised to learn that psychological research has proven this sentiment to be true — merely seeing a smile (or a frown, for that matter) will activate the muscles in our face that make that expression, even if we are unaware of it. Now, according to a new study in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, simply reading certain words may also have the same effect.

Psychologists Francesco Foroni from VU University Amsterdam and Gün R. Semin from the University of Utrecht conducted two experiments to see if emotion language has an influence on facial muscle activity. In the first experiment, a group of students read a series of emotion verbs (e.g., “to smile,” “to cry”) and adjectives (e.g., “funny,” “frustrating”) on a monitor, while the activity of their zygomatic major (the muscle responsible for smiles) and corrugator supercilii (which causes frowns) muscles were measured.

The results showed that reading action verbs activated the corresponding muscles. For example, “to laugh” resulted in activation of the zygomatic major muscle, but did not cause any response in the muscles responsible for frowning. Interestingly, when presented with the emotion adjectives like “funny” or “frustrating” the volunteers demonstrated much lower muscle activation compared to their reactions to emotion verbs. The researchers note that muscle activity is “induced in the reader when reading verbs representing facial expressions of emotion.”

Can this innate bodily reaction affect our judgments? In another experiment, volunteers watched a series of cartoons and were subliminally shown emotion verbs and adjectives after each one. They were then asked to rate how funny they thought the cartoons were. Half of the participants held a pen with their lips, to prevent them from smiling, while the remaining participants did not have their muscle movement blocked.

The results reveal that even when emotion verbs are presented subliminally, they are able to influence judgment — volunteers found cartoons to be funnier when they were preceded by smiling verbs than if they were preceded by frowning-related verbs. However, this effect only occurred in the volunteers who were able to smile — volunteers who had muscle movement blocked did not show this relationship between emotion verbs and how funny they judged the cartoons as being.

The results of these experiments reveal that simply reading emotion verbs activates specific facial muscles and can influence judgments we make. The researchers note these findings suggest that “language is not merely symbolic, but also somatic,” and they conclude that “these experiments provide an important bridge between research on the neurobiological basis of language and related behavioral research.”

Source: Association for Psychological Science (news : web)

Source for article http://www.physorg.com/news168858742.html

So if you’re stressed and want to become less so, read the following words…

relax

content

peaceful

rested

calm

If you are angry and want to change your emotional state read the following words…

happy

engaged

loving

caring

connected

excited

eager

It’s as easy as riding a bike!

Smile during your fantastic weekend !

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Posted in Gratitude, Awareness, Hope, Curiosity, Science of love, Jealousy, Danville CA, Emotion & learning, Mindfulness, The human brain, Happiness, Anxiety, Emotional IQ, Emotional mind, Emotional management, Alexithymia, Consciousness, Managing Sadness, Managing stress | Print | No Comments »

30. July 2009 by John Schinnerer.

There is an ancient Japanese tale that tells of an aggressive, confrontational samurai who commanded a Zen master to explain the concept of Heaven and Hell to him. The Zen master replied with disdain, “You are no more than a cockroach. I will not waste my time with trash like you.” The samurai was enraged and drew his sword from its scabbard. He roared, “I will kill you for your disrespect!”

In the face of the Samurai’s rage, a peaceful manner came to the Zen master. “That,” the Zen master calmly stated, “is hell.”

Shocked at seeing the truth in what the master observed about the rage that had the samurai in its grip, he regained his composure and put away his sword.  The samurai bowed deeply and gratefully thanked the Zen master for his newfound awareness.

“And that,” said the master, “is Heaven.”

The moral of the story is if you want to change, change your awareness of your self.

Being Emotional vs. Being Emotionally Aware

The sudden “aha” of the samurai to his own vengeful emotions demonstrates the critical difference between being overtaken by an emotion and being aware of being overtaken by an emotion. The difference is subtle yet critical. 

As the philosopher, Socrates, told us thousands of years ago, “Know thyself.” One of the keys to knowing yourself is to be aware of how you feel.

Enjoy Your Thursday!

Dr. John Schinnerer

Posted in Alexithymia, Managing Sadness, Anger Management, Mindfulness, Awareness, Danville CA, Emotion & learning, National speakers, Managing Anxiety, Emotional management, Dr. John Schinnerer, Managing stress, Positive Psychology, Emotional IQ, Anxiety, Emotional mind, Depression, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, Counseling | Print | No Comments »

22. January 2009 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D. 

 Why should you care about emotions? What’s the big deal about emotional mastery?  

Emotions influence everything you do, think, and perceive. Emotional mastery is the ability to be instantly aware of which emotion you are feeling and then to manage the emotion (or emotions) once you are aware of it. Once you can recognize your emotions, the next step is to learn to deal with them in an appropriate way. One of the most critical skills we learn as youngsters is the ability to soothe ourselves when we are upset. This means calming ourselves when we are irritated, angry, scared, anxious, sad, or depressed. People who fail to learn this skill are constantly fighting off ongoing anxiety, sadness or irritability. Those who learn to manage their emotions persevere to overcome life’s setbacks. Emotionally wise people are resilient and rebound from disappointments more quickly. They have a positive, optimistic outlook on life. 

Make Room for Both the Rational and the Emotional Minds 

The next step is to realize that each one of us has a thinking, or rational, mind and a feeling, or emotional, mind. At one point in time, scientists and researchers thought we only had a rational mind. How’s that for irony? The thinking mind only discovered itself.  

The Rational Mind 

The rational mind is the means that we usually use to understand the world – it is the thoughtstream that runs constantly behind the back of your forehead. It is the narrator that comments on your daily experience. It is the rational, analytical thinking part of your mind. For example, I can use this logical part of my mind to solve math problems, be logical and analyze data. Using Jon Haidt’s metaphor, the rational mind is the rider on the elephant where the rider is the thinking mind and the elephant is the emotional mind. Recently, Joseph LeDoux, one of the world’s leading researchers in neuroscience, said, “Consciousness may get all the focus but consciousness is a small part of what the brain does, and it’s a SLAVE to everything that works beneath it.” LeDoux is saying that the rider is a slave to the elephant, our rational mind is a slave to our emotional mind. LeDoux believes that our identities are formed from the unique set of learned fears, desires, associations and expectations that are most deeply engrained in our unconscious. For instance, teaching children catch phrases such as ‘Just say ‘no’’ is not going to do the trick because in emotionally-charged situations, the emotional mind will almost always win out. The emotional mind is stronger, faster and can last longer than the rational mind.  Simplistic solutions such as ‘just say ‘no” will not work.  What will work is finding ways to train the emotional mind.  

The Emotional Mind 

Alongside the rational mind is the emotional mind. The emotional mind is irrational, impulsive, creative and intense. It’s the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain pulling the strings of much of your behavior. It’s why you KNOW it’s wrong to steal but go home with office supplies taken from work. It’s why many people have a knee jerk reaction to words like sex, rape and torture. These are emotionally loaded words.   There are many times when the rider (the rational mind) is adequately steering the elephant (the emotional mind), that is, your thinking mind is working in cooperation with your emotional mind. These times take place when you are calm and thinking clearly. However, when you are struck by an emotion, such as fear, the elephant takes over and the rider loses control. The elephant may run from a mouse. He may go off the beaten path to look for grass to eat. Whatever he does, the rider has little input into the actual behavior. And you mind is like the rider and the elephant. When you are consumed by an intense feeling, your emotional mind takes over and your thinking mind is dead in the water.  It becomes nearly impossible to think clearly while in the grasp of a strong emotion such as rage. 

Feeling More Than One Emotion At A Time 

What’s more, science has now shown that we can experience more than one emotion at the same time about any given event, or person or memory. For instance, take your favorite song. You may feel happy when you hear the tune, melancholy when you focus on the lyrics and excited when you remember back to the time your first heard it. All of us have the ability to feel multiple emotions - constructive and destructive - simultaneously. Once you understand this point, emotions become quite complex, layered and interesting. 

The Human Brain is Hard-Wired for Emotions 

The brain is wired to make us emotional beings. We experience the emotional response to an event before it even reaches the thinking mind. There is a shortcut from the thalamus to the amygdala which bypasses conscious awareness to allow your body to be put on instant alert. A secondary, but slower circuit, in the brain runs from the thalamus (the brain’s receiving room for most information taken in by your senses) to the brain’s ‘thinking’ area, in the prefrontal cortex. That is why sometimes you are overcome by your emotions. When the emotion is strong enough, your emotional mind (the elephant) temporarily takes over control of your mind and body in order to keep you safe. The emotional mind errs on the side of caution. The emotional mind is always on the lookout for danger and possible threats. It picks up 2 or 3 key elements in a situation, and decides in less than .33 seconds whether or not there is a threat present. If a threat is determined to exist, or if there is a good probability that it exists, then the emotional mind takes over and prepares your body to fight or run away. When your emotional mind takes over in such an emergency, real or perceived, it’s known as an emotional hijacking. An emotional hijacking is impulsive, quick, strong, and raw.Your rational mind can help to stop such emotional takeovers. Ideally, you would have time to think about your emotions and your ensuing actions before acting. This enables us to respond to our emotions more appropriately.  This typically takes slightly more time than an emotional hijacking, but it allows us to consider a number of different responses and usually results in a more thoughtful course of action. These responses include whether to attack or run, and also whether to persuade, cajole, beg, plead, charm, seek sympathy, instill guilt, act brave, to be thoughtful, or to do nothing at all.  

The Need for Emotion in Rational Thought 

The fascinating piece of the puzzle is that we all need a balance between our rational and emotional minds in order to lead successful and happy lives.  Amazingly, the rational and the emotional mind, the elephant and the rider, need each other to function at their highest levels. This means that you need your emotions to think straight!I’ll tell you a story to show you what I mean. I know a man who is one of the smartest guys I’ve ever met. He could recite word for word anything he had read in his life. He read books by the boxful. Yet, he was unable to control his emotions. He had high IQ and low EQ.  He was impulsive which means that he acted before he thought about the possible consequences of his actions. So here is this incredibly smart person with terribly flawed decision-making skills and poor emotional control. As he grew older, he made awful choices in his life. He wound up alone and unsuccessful. Some would argue that he could not access his emotional learning.Your emotional learning is where you store your general likes and dislikes. Without a storehouse of prior emotional experiences to compare to present events, everything appears neutral — neither appealing nor unappealing. This means that feelings are essential to thought.Emotions steer us in the best general direction where logic can be put to its best (and more specific) use. Without emotions, we’d be overwhelmed by the dazzling array of choices we need to make every minute of every day. Our emotional learning helps us sift through these options and pulls out the best ones to be analyzed by our rational mind.  In this way, emotions work as an equal partner with logical thought. The better these two partners work together, the higher your intelligence and your emotional intelligence. The goal is to create the most powerful mind possible – one which balances strengths in rational thought with emotional wisdom. Stay tuned to this blog and I’ll share with you scientifically proven ways to train your elephant and develop your most powerful mind. 

About the AuthorDr. John Schinnerer

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping people learn anger management, stress management and the latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. He also helps clients learn ways to create happy, meaningful lives. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  He sits on the Advisory Board of Positive Music Imperative (PMI) and The Wellness Community.   

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12. December 2008 by John Schinnerer.

The Key to Surviving the Holidays – Self-Compassion

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

As we enter the holiday season, it makes good sense to talk about survival tools. How do we survive the coming onslaught of family and friends and the accompanying mistakes, failings, and misunderstandings that will inevitably follow in the next three weeks?

Self-Esteem Isn’t the Answer

Ten years ago, the answer might have been to boost everyone’s self-esteem before they come together. For decades, we have been obsessed with self-esteem.  For so long, we thought if we could just make people feel good about themselves, it would solve family problems, societal problems and psychological problems.  We’ve created programs to instill high self-esteem in our children, our students and our families.

Self-Esteem Alone Can Be Dangerous

Self-esteem involves how one feels about him- or herself. There are two types of self-esteem – state and trait. State self-esteem is how positively one evaluates himself in the moment. Trait self-esteem has to do with how positively one sees himself overall. Recent research has shown that increasing self-esteem is not as effective as once thought. Many people with high self-esteem feel so good about themselves that they feel comfortable abusing and taking advantage of other people (e.g., higher degrees of narcissism). At some point, individuals with high self-esteem seem to be able to rationalize destructive behaviors towards others using the idea that they are superior.

Obviously, this was not an intended outcome of self-esteem programs. So how do we get people to feel good about themselves without adding to their sense of superiority?

Self-Compassion – An Inner Critic with LovingKindness

While self-esteem had to do with how one feels about himself, self-compassion involves how one treats himself when things go badly. The goal is to treat oneself with the same type of kindness and compassion that most people extend to loved ones when they fail. When other people fall short of a goal or err, most people will react with kindness and compassion. On the other hand, studies show that most people are harsh with themselves when they screw up. Most people are self-punitive, disparaging and hypercritical of their own shortcomings and mistakes. Unfortunately, this degrades the quality of our emotional lives. It upsets the emotional apple cart, as it were. Even people with high self-esteem are prone to this sort of self-punishing internal beat down. We are truly our own worst critics.

Self-Compassion Leads to Greater Resiliency

People with self-compassion are more resilient. They roll with the punches. Self-compassionate people bounce back more quickly from setbacks because they treat themselves more kindly when they fail or make a mistake.

Can We Have Too Much Self-Compassion?

This all sounds good so far. What’s the catch? Is it possible to be overly self-compassionate to the point where one is self-indulgent? Is it possible, or even probable, that a compassionate person might take no responsibility for their mistakes?

Research at Duke University suggests that is not the case. Self-compassionate people take responsibility for failures and own up to mistakes. They do feel badly when things go awry. According to Mark Leary at Duke, self-compassionate people simply lack that extra layer of self-flagellation and internal criticism. In other words, their internal critic has learned to speak less often and more kindly.   

How To Build More Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, a researcher at University of Texas (and fellow Berkeley grad), has the following suggestions for ways to foster more self-compassion…

“Self-Kindness – ‘What would a caring friend say to you in this situation?’  ‘What is a kind and constructive way to think about how I can rectify this mistake or do better next time?’  Try putting your hand over your heart or gently stroking your arm when feeling a lot of pain as a gesture of kindness and compassion.

Self-judgment – ‘Who ever said human beings are supposed to be perfect?’  ‘Would a caring mother say this to her child if she wanted the child to grow and develop?’  ‘How will I learn if it’s not okay to make mistakes?’

Common Humanity - Think about all the other people who have made similar mistakes, gone through similar situations, and so on.  ‘This is the human condition - all humans are vulnerable, flawed, make mistakes, have things happen that are difficult and painful’  ‘How does this situation give me more insight into and compassion for the human experience?’

Isolation – ‘I am not the only one going through such difficult times, all people experience things like this at some point in their lives.’  ‘Although I take full responsibilities for my mistakes and failings, I also recognize and understand that my actions and behaviors are connected to other people’s actions and behaviors - nothing happens in a vacuum.’

Mindfulness - Take several deep slow breaths and try to be with your pain exactly as it is. Let yourself feel the pain without suppressing, resisting, or avoiding it.  Take a moment to stop and say to yourself, this is really hard right now.  Let yourself be moved and touched by your own pain.  Try to see the situation clearly with calm, clarity and a balanced perspective.  ‘I fully accept this moment and these emotions as they are.’”

So as you enter the holidays and family tensions rise, remember to be more self-compassionate. If you make a mistake, fall short of a goal, or fail to act a certain way, respond with loving kindness towards yourself, just as you would to a small child. You’ll be glad you did.

About the Author

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping individuals learn happiness by mitigating destructive emotions and fostering constructive emotions. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  

You can follow Dr. John Schinnerer on Twitter at http://twitter.com/johnschin.

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6. December 2008 by John Schinnerer.

Happiness is catching. Happiness spreads through friends, spouses, siblings and neighbors. There is a ripple effect whereby happiness extends widely through social networks, even between people who may not know one another. One’s happiness depends on the degree of happiness of those surrounding her.

A study performed at Harvard University, by Nicholas Christakis, is the first of its kind to demonstrate the existence of clusters of happy and sad individuals. Happiness depends upon the happiness of those around them. What’s more, individuals who surround themselves with happy people are more likely to be happy in the future. One’s future happiness can actually be predicted by the number of happy people surrounding them and the degree to which the social network as a whole experiences constructive emotions, such as happiness.  These findings come from an analysis of the Framingham Heart Study social network, a longitudinal study that has followed nearly 5,000 people for over 20 years.

Study findings suggest that happiness results from the spread of happiness throughout social networks and not merely from individuals choosing to surround themselves with like-minded individuals. For example, if your next door neighbor becomes happier due to a job promotion, your likelihood of becoming happier increases by 34%. And this happiness effect can linger for up to one year.

This relationship between individual’s happiness holds true for the first three degrees of separation. For example, when John becomes happier, it buoys the happiness of John’s friends as well as the friends of John’s friends. So there is a ripple effect of happiness within social circles where happiness is contagious and spreads similar to the waves of a wireless network. And we are consciously aware of little, if any, of it.

In the past five to ten years, more and more studies have looked at happiness and what determines it (e.g., genetics, money, elections, marital status and emotional management). However, no study has looked at human happiness as it relates to the happiness of others. While the study is the first of its kind and needs to be replicated to ensure the accuracy of these findings, the findings are remarkable and exhilarating.

Emotional contagion, the process by which one person picks up the feelings of another, has been scientifically documented since 1994. Emotions may be ‘caught’ from others for a length of time ranging from seconds to weeks.  This is particularly true of destructive emotions - anger, fear and sadness. In fact, the hard part is not ‘catching’ the emotions but in protecting oneself from them, keeping them at bay. Until this study, emotional contagion had not been documented for any of the positive, constructive emotions such as joy, contentment, peacefulness or happiness.  

The difficulty is that most people primarily feel destructive emotions. Most people experience more destructive emotions than constructive emotions.  

On the other hand, roughly 10% of adults in the United States feel three times as much positive emotion as negative. This 3:1 ratio is the measuring stick for a thriving happy life as set by Barbara Fredrickson at UNC Chapel Hill. It appears that this top 10% is raising the level of happiness of many others. Imagine if it were possible to raise this thriving, happy portion of the population to 15% or 20%.

Assuming the percentage of the populace experiencing happiness could be improved, here are just a few of the possible societal benefits:

·        The economy would improve (e.g., higher ratios of positive, open-ended inquiries are present in executive teams in highly successful firms)

·        Creativity would increase (e.g., happiness is linked to greater innovation)

·        Productivity would soar (e.g., a happy employee is a productive employee; optimistic salespeople outsell pessimistic ones by approximately 38%)

·        The burden on the health care system would be eased (e.g., happiness improves immune system functioning).

·        People would live longer (e.g., happy, optimistic people live 7 – 10 years longer than those who are pessimistic and unhappy)

·        The educational system would show significant academic gains (e.g., students taught to be more happy and optimistic showed significant gains on achievement testing and received better grades)

The exciting part is that happiness can be taught. It can be learned. People can learn to feel positive emotions more frequently and more intensely. Emotional management is a learnable skill. Just as one practices a sport and improves over time so it is with emotions.   As individuals learn to string together more and more happy moments, the ripple effect spills over and one person’s happiness positively influences others.  It even influences the happiness of other people they don’t know.

The goal is emotional management. The goal is happiness. The goal is to learn to mitigate destructive emotions and encourage positive emotions. Happiness is social phenomena. The more individuals experience positive emotions, the more society as a whole is happier, healthier, and more productive and that is no small feat.

About the Author

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping individuals learn happiness by mitigating destructive emotions and fostering constructive emotions. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  

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18. November 2008 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.The boss’ face is red with rage as he screams obscenities at his subordinate. The boss yells words he will later regret. The subordinate focuses on breathing deeply and staying calm as he watches his boss spin out of emotional control. In the face of his boss’ fury, the subordinate remains composed and, thus, is able to think clearly. When the manager finishes his tirade, the 25-year-old subordinate asserts himself, ‘I understand you are upset. It frustrates me when you yell at me. I need you to speak to me in a calm tone of voice.’Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, despite a known risk of negative consequences. Assertiveness basically comes down to courage – the courage to do what you know is right, in your heart, despite the possibility of negative consequences. Assertiveness exists on a continuum between the poles of docile and aggressive. Think of assertiveness as a matter of degree; it exists on a 1 through 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. For most people, assertiveness varies according to the situation. For example, the hard-nosed, results-driven executive may be highly assertive at work, yet be quite meek when it comes to dealing with his wife and teenage daughter at home. So assertiveness is environment-specific. Usually, your degree of assertiveness is couched within a role that you play – parent, spouse, boss, friend, and so on. The goal is to learn how to be appropriately assertive without being a bully.  While difficult, it is possible with practice and awareness.Stop Being a WimpMost people are wimps, at least to some degree, in some situation. Wimps are people who cannot or will not say ‘No’ mainly out of fear. You may be a ubiquitous wimp which means that you are wimpy in every situation, with everyone. Or you may be a situation-specific wimp. These wimps can be a tyrant at work and a pushover at home, forceful with strangers yet completely spineless with friends. Wimpiness can vary according to the situation. Many wimps feel more comfortable being assertive in some areas of their life than others. Please understand that I use the term ‘wimp’ with respect and understanding. I work on my own assertiveness continuously. Understand that being a wimp works pretty well in the short run because you don’t risk upsetting anyone. You just let others have their way and no one’s knickers get in a knot. However, in the long run, your anger and disappointment get buried deep inside you. As you try to stuff more and more anger inside your emotional gas tank, the tank eventually overflows resulting in irritation, or even outbursts of rage as well as passive-aggressive behavior. You get angry at the wrong people, people who don’t deserve your wrath. Holding your emotions inside can also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, stroke, and even heart attacks. In short, wimpiness is bad for you and destructive to your health and happiness. For a meaningful, happy and healthy life, you must learn to be appropriately assertive. So what can you do? How do you stop being a wimp and start being assertive?Identify Your Top ValuesFirst, identify those values that are most important to you. The purpose for identifying your deepest values is to give you some guidance during difficult or confusing times. When your values are clear, it’s much easier to decide upon a course of action and act with confidence.  Your values will be the foundation of your new assertiveness. Ask yourself the following questions…What do I value? With what degree of certainty?Which values am I willing to publicly declare?What values am I willing to die for?Once you’ve identified your values, then you must figure out how consistent your words are with your feelings, thoughts and actions.The more authentic you are, the greater your quality of life is. Authenticity means that your values are consistent with your words, feelings and actions. The greater the consistency between your internal world and your external world, the more authenticity you have. Values guide the whole thing, your whole life.  Values give you a decision-making framework. Values are most important when you are under duress. Values are critical when you are stressed out, depressed or tired. However, in order for them to be any use to you at all, you have to know your top 5 values by rote. They have to be automatic, unconscious, repeated over and over until they are known by heart. It’s not enough to look at them once or twice a year. Infrequent value visits are not enough to sear them into your long-term memory. To get you started, a list of the top values that exist throughout the world is available free of charge at Guide To Self.  

Figure Out How You Want Others to Treat YouIf you want other people to treat you differently, you need to know how you want to be treated. Do you want your wife to stop yelling at you? Do you want more respect from your husband? Do you want your boss to speak to you in an indoor tone of voice? Do you want your children to help pick up the house? Figure out exactly how you want other people in your life to treat you.  Look at what is making you angry or irritated throughout the day. Make a mental note of each thing. Then figure out what you’d like to change in each relationship in your life. In which areas of your life is there injustice?  What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? As you unearth the answers to these questions, the priorities for assertive action will automatically unfold.  Ask for What You Want After you have figured out how you want to be treated, then ask for it. This step takes courage, yet it gets easier the more frequently you do it. And it’s not as hard as you believe it is. You must learn to express yourself, the real you; what you truly want; how you truly feel, if you want to be treated with more respect. When you learn to state how you feel and what you want, your whole life will begin to change for the better. When you are asking for what you want, be as specific as possible. Keep it as short as possible and hold that thought in your mind, that way you can hold onto it even in the midst of an emotionally-charged conversation. To stop being a wimp, act with courage. It may feel awkward at first. Every new behavior feels a little strange at first. Most new behaviors take roughly 4 weeks to take hold. After four weeks, your authentic communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs will fit like a glove and you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t done it sooner. Practice Saying ‘No’Many of us have gotten in a dangerous habit of saying ‘Yes’ to everyone and everything. However, it’s merely a bad habit which can be changed. If you have trouble with saying ‘No,’ if that is too uncomfortable, simply use the phrase, ‘I’ll think about it.’  This is merely a temporary stop-gap. It buys you time. Using the phrase ‘I’ll think about it’ will hold off the other party for a time, but it raises your anxiety because you are only delaying giving a final answer. So realize that the ultimate goal is to be able to say ‘No’ with a clear conscience. You have a right to say ‘No’ to any request that comes your way. You have an obligation to take care of yourself first and foremost.  

Learn to Love Change The next step in becoming more assertive is to learn to love change. As you begin to live by your values and become more assertive, your relationships will change. You are going to make some changes to your life and the way in which you interact with other people. In addition, the only unchanging thing in this life is the fact that change will be constant. The best you can do is learn to love change. Identify What Makes You Afraid – And Go After It