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Archive for the morals and values Category

How to Get What You Want Using Appropriate Assertiveness

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.The boss’ face is red with rage as he screams obscenities at his subordinate. The boss yells words he will later regret. The subordinate focuses on breathing deeply and staying calm as he watches his boss spin out of emotional control. In the face of his boss’ fury, the subordinate remains composed and, thus, is able to think clearly. When the manager finishes his tirade, the 25-year-old subordinate asserts himself, ‘I understand you are upset. It frustrates me when you yell at me. I need you to speak to me in a calm tone of voice.’Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, despite a known risk of negative consequences. Assertiveness basically comes down to courage – the courage to do what you know is right, in your heart, despite the possibility of negative consequences. Assertiveness exists on a continuum between the poles of docile and aggressive. Think of assertiveness as a matter of degree; it exists on a 1 through 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. For most people, assertiveness varies according to the situation. For example, the hard-nosed, results-driven executive may be highly assertive at work, yet be quite meek when it comes to dealing with his wife and teenage daughter at home. So assertiveness is environment-specific. Usually, your degree of assertiveness is couched within a role that you play – parent, spouse, boss, friend, and so on. The goal is to learn how to be appropriately assertive without being a bully.  While difficult, it is possible with practice and awareness.Stop Being a WimpMost people are wimps, at least to some degree, in some situation. Wimps are people who cannot or will not say ‘No’ mainly out of fear. You may be a ubiquitous wimp which means that you are wimpy in every situation, with everyone. Or you may be a situation-specific wimp. These wimps can be a tyrant at work and a pushover at home, forceful with strangers yet completely spineless with friends. Wimpiness can vary according to the situation. Many wimps feel more comfortable being assertive in some areas of their life than others. Please understand that I use the term ‘wimp’ with respect and understanding. I work on my own assertiveness continuously. Understand that being a wimp works pretty well in the short run because you don’t risk upsetting anyone. You just let others have their way and no one’s knickers get in a knot. However, in the long run, your anger and disappointment get buried deep inside you. As you try to stuff more and more anger inside your emotional gas tank, the tank eventually overflows resulting in irritation, or even outbursts of rage as well as passive-aggressive behavior. You get angry at the wrong people, people who don’t deserve your wrath. Holding your emotions inside can also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, stroke, and even heart attacks. In short, wimpiness is bad for you and destructive to your health and happiness. For a meaningful, happy and healthy life, you must learn to be appropriately assertive. So what can you do? How do you stop being a wimp and start being assertive?Identify Your Top ValuesFirst, identify those values that are most important to you. The purpose for identifying your deepest values is to give you some guidance during difficult or confusing times. When your values are clear, it’s much easier to decide upon a course of action and act with confidence.  Your values will be the foundation of your new assertiveness. Ask yourself the following questions…What do I value? With what degree of certainty?Which values am I willing to publicly declare?What values am I willing to die for?Once you’ve identified your values, then you must figure out how consistent your words are with your feelings, thoughts and actions.The more authentic you are, the greater your quality of life is. Authenticity means that your values are consistent with your words, feelings and actions. The greater the consistency between your internal world and your external world, the more authenticity you have. Values guide the whole thing, your whole life.  Values give you a decision-making framework. Values are most important when you are under duress. Values are critical when you are stressed out, depressed or tired. However, in order for them to be any use to you at all, you have to know your top 5 values by rote. They have to be automatic, unconscious, repeated over and over until they are known by heart. It’s not enough to look at them once or twice a year. Infrequent value visits are not enough to sear them into your long-term memory. To get you started, a list of the top values that exist throughout the world is available free of charge at Guide To Self.  

Figure Out How You Want Others to Treat YouIf you want other people to treat you differently, you need to know how you want to be treated. Do you want your wife to stop yelling at you? Do you want more respect from your husband? Do you want your boss to speak to you in an indoor tone of voice? Do you want your children to help pick up the house? Figure out exactly how you want other people in your life to treat you.  Look at what is making you angry or irritated throughout the day. Make a mental note of each thing. Then figure out what you’d like to change in each relationship in your life. In which areas of your life is there injustice?  What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? As you unearth the answers to these questions, the priorities for assertive action will automatically unfold.  Ask for What You Want After you have figured out how you want to be treated, then ask for it. This step takes courage, yet it gets easier the more frequently you do it. And it’s not as hard as you believe it is. You must learn to express yourself, the real you; what you truly want; how you truly feel, if you want to be treated with more respect. When you learn to state how you feel and what you want, your whole life will begin to change for the better. When you are asking for what you want, be as specific as possible. Keep it as short as possible and hold that thought in your mind, that way you can hold onto it even in the midst of an emotionally-charged conversation. To stop being a wimp, act with courage. It may feel awkward at first. Every new behavior feels a little strange at first. Most new behaviors take roughly 4 weeks to take hold. After four weeks, your authentic communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs will fit like a glove and you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t done it sooner. Practice Saying ‘No’Many of us have gotten in a dangerous habit of saying ‘Yes’ to everyone and everything. However, it’s merely a bad habit which can be changed. If you have trouble with saying ‘No,’ if that is too uncomfortable, simply use the phrase, ‘I’ll think about it.’  This is merely a temporary stop-gap. It buys you time. Using the phrase ‘I’ll think about it’ will hold off the other party for a time, but it raises your anxiety because you are only delaying giving a final answer. So realize that the ultimate goal is to be able to say ‘No’ with a clear conscience. You have a right to say ‘No’ to any request that comes your way. You have an obligation to take care of yourself first and foremost.  

Learn to Love Change The next step in becoming more assertive is to learn to love change. As you begin to live by your values and become more assertive, your relationships will change. You are going to make some changes to your life and the way in which you interact with other people. In addition, the only unchanging thing in this life is the fact that change will be constant. The best you can do is learn to love change. Identify What Makes You Afraid – And Go After ItMany of us wimps have created massive fears over what will happen when we finally say ‘No.’ We get into catastrophic, all-or-nothing negative thinking. Most often, these are irrational fears that have been blown up to monstrous proportions. Odds are that none of these things will actually happen if you stand up and rightly assert yourself. Remember to challenge your fears and your negative thoughts. Often, thoughts and feelings do not tell the truth. It is important to challenge negative thoughts. Don’t let them go by without speaking back to them. Check them against reality. Check your thoughts out with other people. Find out what people you trust have to say about the matter.Please realize that assertiveness is NOT the same as aggressiveness. You don’t have to be rude or impolite to be assertive. You don’t have to attack someone to let them know of your thoughts and your feelings. You have the right to stand up for your rights. You have the right to say ‘No’ and to take proper care of yourself. You have the right to stand up and ask for what you want and need. The worst that can happen is that they say ‘No. You can’t have that.’In any case, you need to know what makes your life worth living. And then stand up for it. Ask for it. Fight for it. Work towards it. Pay attention to it. You have to know what you want before you can be assertive. If you don’t know, you can’t ask. SummaryIn closing, keep in mind that assertiveness requires some courage. Courage only exists when you feel some degree of fear. The act of overcoming your fear is known as courage.  Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner despite possible adverse consequences. Think of assertiveness on a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. Assertiveness usually varies by situation. It is environment-specific. The ultimate goal is to learn how to be properly assertive without using intimidation to get what you want. About the Author
Dr. John Schinnerer

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping men learn anger management, stress management and latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of
Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  

Dr. John Schinnerer opening private practice in Danville CA on 11-15-08.

 

Latest News:

Dr. Schinnerer is proud to announce he is opening a private practice to coach men in the latest ways to manage their anger, fear and sadness. The practice opens November 15th, 2008 at the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center on 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., Suite 280, in Danville CA 94526. For appointments, please call (925) 575-0258.

The Best Way to Let Go of Anger, Pain and Perceived Injustice - Practice Daily Forgiveness

By Dr. John Schinnerer

www.GuideToSelf.com

Each one of us has an emotional gas tank inside us. Inside most of us, our emotional gas tanks are filled with anger, sadness and fear, and other destructive emotions. Destructive emotions build up over time. They accumulate. Destructive emotions, such as anager, literally eat you from the inside out by damaging the inside of your arteries.

As an example, let’s look more in depth at anger. Anger is difficult to control yet it is predictable. It begins like a single drop of water. At first, it’s merely irritating. No big deal, just aggravating. Slowly, gradually, over time, anger accumulates. Some bonehead zips into the parking space for which you were patiently waiting. A guy in a hurry cuts you off on the freeway. Your boss is mistakenly upset with you because of a error a coworker made. The waitress takes forever to get your order and you are running late. When you finally arrive home, exhausted, your children are boisterous and energetic. Tiny drops of water slowly filling up your emotional gas tank. Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. And when you gather together enough of these little drops of annoyance, you have unknowingly filled your tank with rage and anger. You are now jump to judgment. You are fast to fury. You instantly become irritated. Over time, over years and years of this pattern, you learn to trust no one. You learn to be expect the worst from people. You build a wall to shield you from more pain. And the quality of your life gradually becomes miserable. It’s insidious. Without awareness, you become an emotional time bomb that explodes under any additional difficulties.

There is a better way to live. It requires learning the human strength of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes some awareness and practice, but it can be learned.

All you have to do is learn how to dump out your emotional gas tank. Turn it upside down and release every last bit of negative emotions – anger, fear, disappointment and sadness. Once you’ve emptied your tank, you have the option of filling it up with what you choose – love, joy, peace and patience.

The problem is that no one ever taught you HOW to empty out your gas tank of these destructive emotions. Once you learn how to dump out all that rage and pain, then you have a choice. Then you will have a life of which you can be proud.

To find out how the specific steps to forgive and dump out your destructive emotions, you can enjoy the full article for free at
http://www.guidetoself.com/articles/Forgiveness-WhatWhyHow.pdf

Positive Psychology as the Offense of a Great Football Team

Imagine your favorite football team playing in the Super Bowl. Your team has a great defensive unit. However, they have a terrible offense. While they can prevent the other team from scoring, they cannot put points on the board themselves.  It is highly difficult to win with defense alone.

For the past century, sports psychology and psychology, in general, have focused on building a good defense in the face of human suffering and loss. However, we’ve done so at the cost of finding reliable ways to help people move to more meaningful and satisfying lives. Positive psychology is bringing more balance to the field, so that psychologists, sports psychologists and clients alike can easily bob up and down over the vicissitudes of life, using their strengths to create more positive emotions and ultimately win the game of life. Positive psychology helps you move from surviving to thriving.

Life is a game. Play it well. Having talent alone does not guarantee success. Those who rise to their potential share a common set of beliefs that compel them to work hard, live according to their values and have a long-term plan.

Dr. John Schinnerer, Guide To Self, Inc.

http://www.guidetoself.com/index.html

Courage - The Foundation of All the Values?

“Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities . . . because it is the quality which guarantees all others.”— Winston Churchill
British Prime Minister

New Guide To Self Blog - A Unique Blend of Sports and Positive Psychology!

Welcome to my new blog!

I had a prior blog but when I shifted it to an updated version of Blogger, it wouldn’t let me access it anymore to add new posts.

So here I am again. My name is Dr. John Schinnerer, a psychologist out of U.C. Berkeley.

Here is my brief bio so you know a little bit of my background…

Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that focuses on coaching individuals and groups to their potential using the latest in psychology, psychoneuroimmunology and physiology. Most recently, Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been a coach and psychologist for over 10 years.Dr. Schinnerer is also President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Infinet was founded in 1997 and has worked with companies such as UPS, CSE Insurance Group and Schreiber Foods.Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development to sports psychology. He is a noted speaker and author on topics such as emotional intelligence, sports psychology, and executive leadership. Dr. Schinnerer wrote, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which was recently awarded the “Best Self-Help Book of 2007” by East Bay Express.  He has written articles on corporate ethics and EQ in the workplace for Workspan magazine, HR.com, and Business Ethics. He has given numerous presentations, radio shows, workshops and seminars to tens of thousands of people for organizations such as Kaiser Permanente, Starbucks, Cisco, SHRM, KNEW and KDIA.

Guide To Self:The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought by Dr. John Schinnerer

Guide To Self:The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought
By Dr. John Schinnerer

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

EDITORS: For review copies or interview requests, contact:
Promotional Services Department
Tel: 925-944-3440

Email: pressreleases@authorhouse.com
(When requesting a review copy, please provide a street address.)

Guide to Self: Psychologist Shows Readers How to Manage Emotions, Thoughts in New Book

ALAMO, Calif. – Emotions are the foundation of everything people say, think and do, says John L. Schinnerer, Ph.D., author of the new book, Guide to Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought (now available through AuthorHouse). In his book, Schinnerer helps readers find greater success and happiness at home and at work through awareness and management of their emotional landscape.

Despite the fact that emotions can vary greatly from person to person, Schinnerer discovered that emotional states can be managed by raising awareness of the current emotions, underlying mood and biological temperament. “Most people are born and die with the exact same temperament because they don’t realize that they have the power to change it to their liking,” he says.

Schinnerer explains to readers how they can change their emotions for the better, supported by peer-reviewed scientific research from top universities throughout the world, he says. Within the science, Schinnerer also incorporates spirituality and ethical awareness into his methods. “There is a growing awareness that spirituality is integral to a person’s well-being,” he says. “A full 85 - 95 percent of Americans believe that spiritual faith and religious beliefs are closely tied to their emotional and mental health, and they’re right!”

With a holistic approach to thoughts, emotions and spirituality, Schinnerer’s step-by-step guide helps readers manage thoughts and feelings to realize their potential, resulting in less suffering and more happiness, he says. “You are far more powerful than you ever dared to dream. You can have a profound impact on your emotions, your thoughts and your happiness,” says Schinnerer.

Schinnerer holds a doctorate in psychology from the University of California at Berkeley and has 12 years of experience in research and practice. He is the founder of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company that uses new methodology to evaluate emotional IQ, traditional IQ, ethics, personality traits and knowledge for success in the workplace. Schinnerer is also the president of Guide to Self, a company dedicated to coaching executives and managers on the best practices for emotional management, the single best predictor of success for white collar jobs. He hosted “Guide to Self Radio” in the San Francisco Bay Area for a year, airing more than 200 shows. Guide to Self is Schinnerer’s first book. More information can be found at www.guidetoself.com.

AuthorHouse is the premier publishing house for emerging authors and new voices in literature. For more information, please visit www.authorhouse.com.

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Dr. John Schinnerer, Guide To Self, Inc. copyright 2005-2006.All rights reserved

A kind, caring and supportive family environment can actually turn off depression

Recent research from Shelley Taylor at UCLA shows that a kind, caring and supportive family environment can actually turn off a gene linked to depression.

Source: University of California - Los Angeles

Date: October 13, 2006

Early Family Experience Can Reverse The Effects Of Genes, Psychologists Report

Early family experience can reverse the effect of a genetic variant linked to depression, UCLA researchers report in the current issue of the journal Biological Psychiatry.

Among children from supportive, nurturing families, those with the short form of the serotonin transporter gene (known as 5-HTTLPR) had a significantly reduced risk for depression, found the UCLA team, under the direction of Shelley E. Taylor, UCLA distinguished professor of psychology and an expert in the field of stress and health. The research team also found that among children from emotionally cold, unsupportive homes marked by conflict and anger, those with the short form of the 5-HTTLPR gene were at greater risk for depression, as some previous research has also shown.

The 118 young adult men and women who participated in the study completed assessments of depression, early family environment and current stress. They were asked, for example, how often they had been loved and cared for, shown physical affection or insulted and sworn at by their families. Saliva samples were used to determine if the participants’ standing on the 5-HTTLPR had two short alleles (s/s), a short and a long allele (s/l) or two long alleles (l/l) for the serotonin transporter gene. (An allele is any of several forms of a gene.)

The research showed that a person’s likelihood of developing symptoms of depression was not predicted by the particular combination of alleles alone; rather, it was the combination of the person’s environment and genetic variant s/s that determined whether the person experienced symptoms of depression, said Taylor, principal investigator on the study.
Among the study’s implications is that the short form of the 5-HTTLPR is “highly responsive to environmental influence” and, rather than predicting risk for depression, its effects vary substantially, depending on how supportive the external environment is, Taylor said.

These conclusions were bolstered by parallel evidence collected by the team showing that a supportive environment reduced the risk of depression among those with the s/s form of the 5-HTTLPR gene, while those experiencing a great deal of stress in their lives had an increased risk of depressive symptoms if they had the s/s variant of the gene. “Genes are not destiny,” Taylor said. “Although some genes confer particular risks, others, such as variants of the 5-HTTLPR, are clearly highly responsive to input from the early and current environment. That means, among other conclusions, that there is an important role that parents and even friends can play in providing protection against the risk of depression that stress can confer.” The study adds a new component to evidence that the environment can regulate biology and steer the effects of genetic predispositions.

“It indicates just how important a loving and caring family can be,” said Baldwin Way, a co-investigator on the project. The other members of the research team, from UCLA’s department of psychology and department of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences, are William Welch, Clayton Hilmert, Barbara Lehman and Naomi Eisenberger.

Taylor was honored Oct. 7 with the inaugural Clifton Strengths Prize, which recognizes the life and work of Donald O. Clifton, past chairman of The Gallup Organization. The prize, which will be presented every two years, recognizes groundbreaking theory, research and practice in “strengths-based psychology.” Clifton’s philosophy was for people to focus on what was positive and right with themselves and to build on their strengths to achieve their full potential, Gallup said. Taylor’s research showing how a supportive environment reverses the impact of a genetic risk factor is an example of the work for which she was honored.

The research published in Biological Psychiatry was federally funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and the National Science Foundation, with additional funding from and UCLA’s Center for Psychoneuroimmunology.

In previous research, Taylor and UCLA colleagues, including psychology professor Rena Repetti, reported strong evidence that children who grow up in risky families often suffer lifelong health problems, including cancer, heart disease, hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression and anxiety disorders, as well as early death (Psychological Bulletin, March 2002, Vol. 128, No. 2, pp. 330–366). A child’s genetic predispositions may be exacerbated by the family environment, and this combination can lead to the faster development of health problems in risky families, which may be more debilitating than they would be in a more nurturing family, the researchers found.

Guide To Self(C) 2005-2006.

Values, boundaries, self-worth, emotional management, parenting, focusing on small steps of improvement, and more

200th Show - Review of Concepts Learned
Dr. John talks with his regular guest, Amy, about what she’s discovered in the past six months of weekly conversations.

Topics touched on include values, boundaries, self-worth, emotional management, parenting, focusing on small steps of improvement, and
more.

This is the final show of Guide To Self Radio on KDIA. Guide To Self may re-emerge at a new radio or TV station, but it is not known at
this time.

Dr. John Schinnerer hosts Guide To Self radio, positive psychology radio, on KDIA 1640 AM every Monday through Friday at 5 pm in the San Francisco Bay Area. Guide To Self is sponsored in part by Infinet Assessment, the best in employee testing. for more information on Infinet’s outstanding testing products, visit
http://www.InfinetAssessment.com.

For more on Guide To Self’s coaching and books, visit, http://www.guidetoself.com or call (925) 944-3440.
Duration:30 minutes, 13 seconds

MP3 File

Happiness and Longevity - Do the Two Go Hand in Hand?

Happiness and Longevity - Do the Two Go Hand in Hand?

Dr. John Schinnerer goes over the nun study in which 178 Catholic nuns were followed from the age of 22 until death. The study began in 1930 and reveals some amazing insights into happiness, optimism and the secret to a long life. The study has followed this group of nuns for over 75 years. It’s one of a kind!

Also, Dr. John touches on the mind, body, spirit connection in a discussion on psychoneuroimmunology.

The 199th show on KDIA radio!

Dr. John Schinnerer hosts Guide To Self radio, positive psychology radio, on KDIA 1640 AM every Monday through Friday at 5 pm in the San
Francisco Bay Area. Guide To Self is sponsored in part by Infinet Assessment, the best in employee testing. For more information on
Infinet’s great testing products, visit
http://www.infinetassessment.com.

For more info on Guide To Self, call (925) 944-3440 or visit us at
http://www.guidetoself.com.
Duration:27 minutes, 59 seconds

MP3 File