17. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

The Fulfilling Life Exercise

Think about your own life for a moment.Ask yourself, what would a fulfilling life be like for you?

Write a short story about what a fulfilling life would look like for you?

What would your top 5 values be?

What would you be doing at home? At work?

What would your relationships look like?

Would you change any personal characteristics (e.g., physical, mental, emotional)?

What is it that would make you whole and content?

This is much different than asking “What do you want?”

We’re talking about the search for personal fulfillment.

Most people when answering this question look at what they have…what they don’t have… and see a gap …and then look for things to fill the gap. It may be the obvious – a higher-paying job, a wonderful marriage, more money, a promotion, a successful business and so on.
Unfortunately, the happiness derived from HAVING such things is fleeting. I’m sure you’ve experienced this in your own life. You’re ecstatic when you buy a new car. Then the ecstasy fades after a few months.  This same thing happens with relationships, homes, promotions and major purchases.

As long as we are looking for ways to HAVE a fulfilling life, we will only be temporarily fulfilled. Many of us think that more money is the answer. Yet, look at the lives of lottery winners. Most of them have continued to be plagued by the same host of problems that they had prior to becoming wealthy. In fact, for many of them, their problems have been magnified! I know of one couple that said they wished they had never even won the lottery as it led to greater problems, addictions, and eventually divorce.
A different framework is needed through which we view life, a different way of viewing fulfillment. Ask yourself what it would take for you to BE fulfilled.

This minor difference in wording implies that fulfillment is enjoying the journey, not merely a destination. This doesn’t mean that you will stop wanting things. Just that the things are mere expressions of fulfillment, not the means to fulfillment.

This means that we can be fulfilled even in the midst of difficult situations. Fulfillment means that you are fully alive and in synch with the different energies of the universe. It may be described as being in harmony with the environment around you. It also involves living in synch with your personal values. It may involve keeping your cool while others are losing theirs. Everyone’s definition of fulfillment is unique and changes constantly.

And this is largely what coaching is about – inviting clients to look closely, not merely with their brains, but with their heart, soul and intuition, at themselves, in areas which are familiar, but viewed with new lenses, and at places that have never been looked at before.

The famous psychologist, Erich Fromm wrote, “”Man’s main task in life is to give birth to himself.” The way in which we give birth to ourselves is by listening to and following our dreams.

How to Access Your Dreams: 

Ask yourself…

  What would make me happy?

  Why would it make me happy, and why is it important to me?

  How will it benefit other people?

  When do I want it to happen?

Keep a journal by your bed to write down your thoughts and feelings. Over time your dreams will reveal themselves to you. As they do, your passion, happiness and engagement with life will soar. Enjoy the ride.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Founder Guide to Self, Inc.
For a free copy of my award-winning self-help book, Guide to Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought, visit the site above, enter your name and email and receive an instant complimentary copy. Begin improving your life today!

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17. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Good character is more to be praised than outstanding talent. Most talents are to some extent a gift. Good character, by contrast, is not given to us. We have to build it piece by piece—by thought, choice, courage and determination.
— John Luther

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17. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

Richard Boyatzis and his colleagues (Boyatzis, R.E., Murphy, A.J., Wheeler, J.V. Philosophy as a missing link between values and behavior. January, 2000) have proposed that each of us uses an underlying philosophy to determine how we behave in relation to our values. Boyatzis suggest three major philosophical systems that are likely to influence an individual’s actions, thoughts, values and feelings in various ways.

These three philosophies are pragmatic, intellectual and humanistic.

A person with a pragmatic outlook looks at the output or consequence of a decision as the key to the perceived value. The desire is to maximize the output relative to the input. Pragmatists focus on the individual and assume that the individual chooses actions based on their own self-interest in order to maximize their benefits. This is akin to rationalizing away any values above and beyond those that work in the favor of self-interest. For example, a pragmatic person might list “family” as a top value, yet spends eighty hours a week away from his family working at his job. He spends as little time as possible at home. He says his behavior is in accordance with his values since he is earning money and providing for his family’s needs. In truth, his behavior is a function of his workaholism. He is addicted to working because he is afraid of intimacy and therefore is uncomfortable at home.

A person with an intellectual philosophy uses his intellect to make most decisions. The intellectual gauges the value of an activity, person or effort by its consistency with a set of rational ideals such as the Ten Commandments or a professional code of ethics.  The intellectual uses logic as the main means to make judgments of value and meaning. An example is the intellectual person who lists “family” as a top value, and spends 55 hours a week at work and evenings and weekends with his family. He is present to help with homework and bedtime. The intellectual interacts with his family rationally and gets irritated when his children are not rational in their response to him. While he spends more time with his family, he is not available emotionally for his children and wife. His behavior is in keeping with his stated value of “family” but the quality of time spent with family members is low due to low emotional and social awareness.

An individual with a humanitarian philosophy views personal relationships as the primary yardstick for judging meaning and value in life. Emotions and actions within the context of a relationship are seen as most important. In particular, family and close friends are the most important of all relationships. People with a humanitarian outlook prize values that emphasize the worth of the individual and interpersonal relationships as the greatest “good.” The worth of an activity or effort is judged in terms of its effect on an individual’s close relationships. For example, the humanitarian lists “family” as his top value and establishes a balance between work and home. He also has a balance between his intellect and his emotions. Thus, when he is home with his family, he is available to them emotionally as well as intellectually.

On the face of it, it seems that a high degree of emotional intelligence is required for an individual to operate based on the humanitarian philosophy. If that is true, then these three philosophies might be related to the degree of IQ and EQ that an individual possesses. For instance, a person with adequate IQ and little EQ is likely to be employing the pragmatic view. And a person with adequate IQ and moderate EQ is probably using the intellectual philosophy. Finally, a person with adequate IQ and a high EQ is likely to use the humanitarian outlook.

Boyatzis states that no one philosophy is “better” than another. Hi belief is that the philosophies merely drive the individual’s behaviors, thoughts and emotions in different ways.

What If One Philosophy Is Better Than Another?

While Boyatzis has made great progress in clarifying part of the mystery connecting values and behaviors, I believe that these philosophies are hierarchical and developmental in nature. This means that one philosophy is better than another.

My model states that all of us start out as children with a pragmatic or self-centered philosophy. Assuming a normal developmental path, we eventually learn the intellectual philosophy and adopt it as the primary means by which to evaluate our actions, thoughts and feelings. For those of us who continue to learn, grow and develop beyond our intellect, into the realm of emotional intelligence, we adopt the humanitarian outlook as our method of judging the worth of our behavior, thoughts and emotions. This implies that certain values and/or strengths will be “available” to different individuals at different times in their lives. And some values may never be available to individuals that don’t progress past the pragmatic philosophy, such as allowing one’s self to be loved and wisdom (or perspective-taking).

In other words, the pragmatist may never be able to truly act in accordance with a stated value such as world peace because it is not in his best interest to do so. He can state world peace as a value yet it would not make any sense to work towards it as it does not maximize output and minimize input. Just the opposite would be true; he would have to put in a great deal of time and energy to make a tiny difference.
Every one of us has a values system.  A values system is the set of values that we hold important and the way in which they are prioritized. 

Personal Values As Ends and As Means

Personal values come in two types — ends and means. 

End values are the desired outcomes that a person desperately wants to achieve such as “freedom”, or “a purposeful life.”  Each individual has a different set of end values in his or her values system. 

Means values are beliefs about a person’s desired traits or ways of being such as “loving”, “forgiving”, or “kind.”  We possess means values because we believe that each one of the means values helps us to achieve our ends values.  For instance, “loving” may be a means value that helps one move towards the ends value of “a purposeful life.”

Take a moment to clarify your own top values. Take a moment to figure out which of the three philosophies is your primary one. Figure out where you want to go from here and how you want to get there. Figure out your values and the personal philosophy that underlies them…on your way to success.

To life, love and laughter,

John Schinnerer Ph.D.

Founder of Guide To Self, Inc.

Visit the site above for a complimentary copy of my award-winning book on the latest ways to manage your own thoughts and emotions to ensure greater character, integrity and success! Be character driven, not emotion driven!

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17. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

A happy, successful and satisfying life involves behaving according to a your own set of ethics, standards, or values.  Values are the core beliefs upon which you operate your life. You may be aware of your core beliefs. You may not. In my experience, I’ve noticed that the vast majority of people do not have any idea what their top values are.

Remember - You Are a Worthy Individual

To get the most from your life, you must believe at your core that you are a worthy individual – worthy of love, worthy of respect, worthy of making mistakes to learn from, worthy of friendship, worthy of quality friends, worthy of appropriate boundaries, worthy of taking time to refill and renew yourself, worthy of a flourishing and fulfilling life.

Our values are the stars by which we navigate through life. Henry David Thoreau wrote, ‘The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.’

It Is Easy to Lose Track of Values In A Busy World

Ours is much too busy and noisy a world. Our lives take on a frenetic pace and people lose track of the values that give life meaning and purpose.

Everyone says they are for values – individuals, schools and corporations. All are quick to claim lofty ideals. The problem is their actions are not in keeping with their words, particularly at times of high emotion. Thus, we have schools that talk about treating children with compassion while verbally flagellating them in the classrooms.  We have parents that profess to love their children yet rage at them behind closed doors. We have businesses that say they value their customers yet treat them as if they were unintelligent nuisances. 

Ignore Values at Your Peril

People unaware of their values are more likely to be uncaring, conforming, inconsistent, and self-conflicted.

The less we know of our values, the less success and happiness we enjoy.

Clarify Your Values, Enjoy Success

The more we understand our values, the better able we are to make right choices which lead to right action even in the heat of strong emotions. This leads to integrity, happiness and prosperity.

Clarity of values leads to decisive acts of courage which are becoming exceedingly rare in this world. Don’t be driven by the whims of your emotions. Be character driven.   Be value driven.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Founder Guide to Self, Inc.

For a free copy of John’s award-winning book, Guide to Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought, visit GuideToSelf.com, enter your email and name and be rewarded with instant access to your own PDF version of the book!

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16. September 2010 by John Schinnerer.

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Guide to Self, Inc. 

High-intensity, chronic anger and stress have an adverse impact on your heart and your health. More specifically, the more often you feel negative emotions, such as anger, irritation and depression, the higher your risk for hypertension and subsequent coronary heart disease.  A recent study by the American Academy of Family Physicians is creating a growing awareness that long-term, chronic anger and stress are linked to a higher risk of heart attack.

Recently, I received this comment on my anger management blog which stirred something deep inside of me…

‘John,I want to let you know that your online anger management course is very helpful to me. These tools to a better life are working. There has been a change in my outlook on life already. I AM EXCITED ABOUT DOING THIS.  I want to be a better person and have a healthier life. This past March, I had a massive heart attack and almost left this world. I have realized through your teachings that some of my health issues have to do with my anger. I really did not know that my anger was even associated with or causing me problems - problems not only with my health but in my life. I was always thinking that my anger was someone else’s fault. This past week before I got on to your website, I blew up with my wife and was as mad as I’ve ever been. I was throwing things and saying things that I should not have said. I got mad because she was mad. Thanks to you I’ve realized that anger has a negative effect on my heart. Thank you for teaching me new ways of being. Please keep up the great work.’

This note was quite flattering and also deeply moving. As I lost my grandfather to heart disease (after he survived five heart attacks), I’m pleased to be able to help men discover new tools to manage their anger.

One of the major points that I’ve been emphasizing for several years now is that chronic, long-term anger has a harmful effect on the heart. The same holds true for chronic stress. Both long-term stress and anger are harmful on a number of levels.

Anger and Coronary Heart Disease

In a 2007 study published in the American Academy of Family Physicians, researchers concluded that men and women with high levels of chronic anger and stress are much higher risk of developing coronary heart disease.  The study found that men with high levels of chronic anger and irritation were 1.7 times as likely to develop hypertension (high blood pressure). Individuals older than 50 years qualify as having hypertension if their blood pressure is regularly over 140/90 (i.e., at least 140 mmHg systolic or 90 mmHg diastolic). Individuals with chronic high levels of anger and annoyance were 90% more likely to progress from prehypertensive to coronary heart disease as compared to those with low to moderate levels of anger.

Stress and Coronary Heart Disease

Both men and women with long-standing levels of stress had nearly 1.7 times the chance of developing coronary heart disease as compared to those with low to moderate levels of stress. This means individuals with high levels of chronic stress are nearly twice as likely to develop coronary heart disease! This is entirely preventable by learning new ways of relating to stress and pressure. The authors suggest that high quality stress management and anger management programs are beneficial for preventing the progression from prehypertension to hypertension to coronary heart disease.  

Negative Emotions In General Related to Coronary Heart Disease

Three major negative emotional states – depression, anxiety and anger/hostility - were implicated in coronary heart disease in 2005 in a study published in the Psychological Bulletin.  These findings indicate that it is more of a general disposition towards negative emotions that may be more critical for the risk of heart disease than any one specific emotion.

A Predisposition to Negative Emotions

In my experience, I have frequently found an overlap between the existence of depression, anger-hostility and anxiety in many of my clients. Rarely do I work with someone who is merely angry, or solely anxious, or only depressed. More often, people have a difficult time dealing with all the major intense negative emotions (e.g. anger, sadness and anxiety/fear).

Hopefully, the word will continue to spread that a predisposition towards negative emotions (hostility, anger, anxiety and depression) harms the heart and puts individuals at a greater risk of coronary heart disease.

By learning stress management tools, anger management tools, and tools to increase the frequency of positive emotions, this risk can be reduced significantly.

If you are interested in online anger management classes, please call 925-944-3440, email Info@GuideToSelf.com or check the website at http://www.GuideToSelf.com.

For a free copy of John’s award-winning self-help book (Guide to Self: The Beginner’s Guide to Managing Emotion and Thought), just visit GuidetoSelf.com and enter your name and email for a free instant PDF copy!

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