What is a ‘real man’? How do you define a real man?

I spent nearly 12 years quantifying and measuring what goes into a successful person - a great leader, an outstanding executive, a package handler at UPS, an insurance claims adjustor, and many many more. I’ve measured people in terms of extroversion, ethics, physical strength, balance, stamina, values, emotional management skills, flexibility of thought, and intelligence to name a few.

So my question is - 

Which ’ingredients’ go in to make up a real man? 

What talents, skills, abilities, and traits exist in a ‘real man’? Which ones are necessary and which ones are preferrable but not required?

So here is my first attempt at defining a real man…

Physical Strength

A real man should be in good physical shape. However, it’s not a deal breaker if he’s not. I can conceive of a real man who is overweight and out of shape yet due to his awe-inspiring heart, soul and mind could still be called a real man.

A real man must be more than mere physical strength. Physical strength alone is too simplistic.

Ideally, physical well-being is a part of a real man.  Yet, this is slightly different from physical strength. A real man should be wise enough to know the value of taking good care of his physical body. This means he eats relatively healthily, does some form of exercise, performs some sort of stretching as in yoga, and refrains from harmful substances. Dan Millman refers to the components of an elite athlete as suppleness, strength, stamina and balance. These would all be involved in a real man’s physical well-being, albeit not at the level of a superstar athlete.

However, physical strength is not necessary for a real man. For example, as men age, physical health, strength and balance may become compromised. Yet, there are many men in their 80s and 90s whom I wouldn’t think to exclude from the category ‘real men’ such as Clint Eastwood.

Values

One of the greatest distinguishing characteristics of real men is clarity of values. Real men know what their top values are and have great insight into why they hold those values. An example of a man of value is Albert Einstein. One of my favorite quotes is from him - ’Try not to be a man of success but rather try to be a man of value.’

Clarity of values allows real men to act in a way that is in keeping with their values which leads to the next ‘real man’ characteristic…

Authenticity

Authenticity is merely acting in accordance with one’s stated values. The difficult part comes when temptation or negative emotion threatens to take over and lead to wrong action - action that is NOT in keeping with stated values.  Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. are two paragons of authenticiy that come to mind. 

Emotional management

One of the epiphanies I’ve had in the past few years is that ‘cool’ is closely related to extremely good emotional management skills. Those men who can keep stay calm when everyone around them is losing their mind, as in an emergency, are ‘cool’ and are much more likely to be seen as ‘real men’. My 13-year-old son does an outstanding job staying cool in emergency situations.

When my youngest daughter was a toddler, she would have ’spells’ where she would get upset, cry, pass out and stop breathing for up to 2 minutes. Scariest damn thing you’ve ever seen. We called the paramedics to the house several times, took her to MDs and specialists. No one could really help except to say, ‘If it happens again, call 911 or rush her down here to our office.’  So we adapted. We learned that the best thing to do was to stay calm in a life-and-death situation, hold her, speak to her gently and encourage her to ‘come back’ and eventually she would snap out of it.

At her 2nd birthday party, my daughter is sitting at the table with her dwarven two-year old friends sitting impatiently waiting for chocolate cake. Their mothers were hovering around the table trying to instill order amidst the chaos. I went out to get napkins. My wife ran upstairs to get the candles. My 13-year-old (who was 10 at the time) was beside my daughter kindly chatting with her about how fun it will be to blow out candles. And then it happened…Molly got over excited, slumped over in her chair and stopped breathing.  Before she could hit the table, my son scooped her up, held her and started talking to her while asking the mothers where his mom was.

When they saw what was taking place, all of the mothers FREAKED OUT! They were screaming and running and tripping over each other. And through it all, my son remained calm, bouncing my daughter gently, talking to her, urging her to come on back and rejoin the party.

My wife and I raced in the kitchen due to the commotion. By the time we’d returned, however, my son had rallied my 2 year old daughter from her black out. That is emotional management. That is staying cool. I’m proud to say he is well on his way to becoming a ‘real man’.

Courage 

The ability to get past one’s own fear is a hallmark of a real man. We are all afraid at times. The real man has the capacity to recognize fear for what it is - a paper-thin illusion of a feeling - and act properly despite his fear.

A Sense of Joy

A real man has a sense of joy and purpose in his life. He knows what he wants to do and why. He has a reason to jump out of bed in the morning with excitement and anticipation. For this is the fuel that allows him to exert his impact on the world. This is what enables him to change the world for the better. What’s more, it causes other people to want to be around him, to want to follow him, to want to listen to his message.

What other attributes would you include in the mix?

Flexibility of thought?

Intelligence? If so, what about those who are mentally challenged?

How about the ability to care and nurture others?

I’d love to hear your comments. Feel free to share your thoughts on the matter below!

Have an incredible week! Blow their doors off out there!

All the best,

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.

Positive Psychology Coach

Real Men, Real Heart, Real Soul, Real Mind

Author of the award-winning Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion & Thought

Guide To Self, Inc.

Danville CA 94526

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