I find this idea of covert intimacy among males fascinating as well. I wonder if one of the functions of sibling rough-housing and wrestling fulfills the function of covert intimacy and allowing brothers to touch one another in a masculine, socially permissible way. 

Brothers fight for a number of reasons….

• They fight to get their parent’s attention, and the parent is limited in time, attention and patience, so they are fighting for a limited ‘commodity.’
• They wrestle due to jealousy: “He got a new game. I did not. They love him more than they love me.”
• They rough-house as a result of teasing, which is one way to test the power of words on behaviors: “He said I was a…” “But he called me a little .. first!”
• They get in each other’s face partly as a result of socialization. We live in a competitive society which frequently reinforces the idea that winning is better than losing.  “I had it first.” “I can beat you at…. I am better than you.”
• Perhaps, another reason to add to the list is that, in some manner, wrestling and rough housing allow boys to fulfill their need for touch in an acceptable way (that is, acceptable to society, not so much to their parents!).

 From Close Relationships: A Sourcebook by Clyde Hendrick, Susan Hendrick, p. 307…

‘Swain (1989) coined the phrase ‘closeness in the doing’ to describe men’s friendships. More than two thirds of the men studied by Swain pointed to activities other than talking when asked to describe their most meaningful times with friends. Swain’s study, as well as research by others (Monsour, 1992; Sherrod, 1989; Williams, shows that playing and watching sports and doing other things together are what male friends cite most often as the basis of camaraderie and closeness. Because men typically are not socialized to engage in expressive communication, male friends are less likely to talk intimately about problems than to help each other out by suggesting diversionary activities such as going out for drinks or watching games (Cancian, 1987; Riessman, 1990).

Although men might care deeply about their male friends, they are less likely than women to express those feelings explicitly. Instead, they tend to engage in what Swain (1989) referred to as ‘covert intimacy’, which signals intimacy indirectly and often nonverbally. Affectionate punches, backslapping, and friendly teasing are examples of displays of covert intimacy. Based on a series of men’s friendships, Floyd (1997b) concluded that men are not less affectionate than are women but that men ‘simply communicate affection in different more ‘covert’ ways, so as to avoid the possible ridicule that more overt expression might invite (see also Floyd, 1995, 1996, 1997).’  

Have a terrific Thursday!

John Schinnerer, Ph.D.Guide To Self, Inc.

Positive Psychology Coach