18. November 2008 by John Schinnerer.

By John Schinnerer, Ph.D.The boss’ face is red with rage as he screams obscenities at his subordinate. The boss yells words he will later regret. The subordinate focuses on breathing deeply and staying calm as he watches his boss spin out of emotional control. In the face of his boss’ fury, the subordinate remains composed and, thus, is able to think clearly. When the manager finishes his tirade, the 25-year-old subordinate asserts himself, ‘I understand you are upset. It frustrates me when you yell at me. I need you to speak to me in a calm tone of voice.’Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner, despite a known risk of negative consequences. Assertiveness basically comes down to courage – the courage to do what you know is right, in your heart, despite the possibility of negative consequences. Assertiveness exists on a continuum between the poles of docile and aggressive. Think of assertiveness as a matter of degree; it exists on a 1 through 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. For most people, assertiveness varies according to the situation. For example, the hard-nosed, results-driven executive may be highly assertive at work, yet be quite meek when it comes to dealing with his wife and teenage daughter at home. So assertiveness is environment-specific. Usually, your degree of assertiveness is couched within a role that you play – parent, spouse, boss, friend, and so on. The goal is to learn how to be appropriately assertive without being a bully.  While difficult, it is possible with practice and awareness.Stop Being a WimpMost people are wimps, at least to some degree, in some situation. Wimps are people who cannot or will not say ‘No’ mainly out of fear. You may be a ubiquitous wimp which means that you are wimpy in every situation, with everyone. Or you may be a situation-specific wimp. These wimps can be a tyrant at work and a pushover at home, forceful with strangers yet completely spineless with friends. Wimpiness can vary according to the situation. Many wimps feel more comfortable being assertive in some areas of their life than others. Please understand that I use the term ‘wimp’ with respect and understanding. I work on my own assertiveness continuously. Understand that being a wimp works pretty well in the short run because you don’t risk upsetting anyone. You just let others have their way and no one’s knickers get in a knot. However, in the long run, your anger and disappointment get buried deep inside you. As you try to stuff more and more anger inside your emotional gas tank, the tank eventually overflows resulting in irritation, or even outbursts of rage as well as passive-aggressive behavior. You get angry at the wrong people, people who don’t deserve your wrath. Holding your emotions inside can also lead to physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, high blood pressure, stroke, and even heart attacks. In short, wimpiness is bad for you and destructive to your health and happiness. For a meaningful, happy and healthy life, you must learn to be appropriately assertive. So what can you do? How do you stop being a wimp and start being assertive?Identify Your Top ValuesFirst, identify those values that are most important to you. The purpose for identifying your deepest values is to give you some guidance during difficult or confusing times. When your values are clear, it’s much easier to decide upon a course of action and act with confidence.  Your values will be the foundation of your new assertiveness. Ask yourself the following questions…What do I value? With what degree of certainty?Which values am I willing to publicly declare?What values am I willing to die for?Once you’ve identified your values, then you must figure out how consistent your words are with your feelings, thoughts and actions.The more authentic you are, the greater your quality of life is. Authenticity means that your values are consistent with your words, feelings and actions. The greater the consistency between your internal world and your external world, the more authenticity you have. Values guide the whole thing, your whole life.  Values give you a decision-making framework. Values are most important when you are under duress. Values are critical when you are stressed out, depressed or tired. However, in order for them to be any use to you at all, you have to know your top 5 values by rote. They have to be automatic, unconscious, repeated over and over until they are known by heart. It’s not enough to look at them once or twice a year. Infrequent value visits are not enough to sear them into your long-term memory. To get you started, a list of the top values that exist throughout the world is available free of charge at Guide To Self.  

Figure Out How You Want Others to Treat YouIf you want other people to treat you differently, you need to know how you want to be treated. Do you want your wife to stop yelling at you? Do you want more respect from your husband? Do you want your boss to speak to you in an indoor tone of voice? Do you want your children to help pick up the house? Figure out exactly how you want other people in your life to treat you.  Look at what is making you angry or irritated throughout the day. Make a mental note of each thing. Then figure out what you’d like to change in each relationship in your life. In which areas of your life is there injustice?  What are you tolerating? What are you putting up with? As you unearth the answers to these questions, the priorities for assertive action will automatically unfold.  Ask for What You Want After you have figured out how you want to be treated, then ask for it. This step takes courage, yet it gets easier the more frequently you do it. And it’s not as hard as you believe it is. You must learn to express yourself, the real you; what you truly want; how you truly feel, if you want to be treated with more respect. When you learn to state how you feel and what you want, your whole life will begin to change for the better. When you are asking for what you want, be as specific as possible. Keep it as short as possible and hold that thought in your mind, that way you can hold onto it even in the midst of an emotionally-charged conversation. To stop being a wimp, act with courage. It may feel awkward at first. Every new behavior feels a little strange at first. Most new behaviors take roughly 4 weeks to take hold. After four weeks, your authentic communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs will fit like a glove and you’ll be wondering why you hadn’t done it sooner. Practice Saying ‘No’Many of us have gotten in a dangerous habit of saying ‘Yes’ to everyone and everything. However, it’s merely a bad habit which can be changed. If you have trouble with saying ‘No,’ if that is too uncomfortable, simply use the phrase, ‘I’ll think about it.’  This is merely a temporary stop-gap. It buys you time. Using the phrase ‘I’ll think about it’ will hold off the other party for a time, but it raises your anxiety because you are only delaying giving a final answer. So realize that the ultimate goal is to be able to say ‘No’ with a clear conscience. You have a right to say ‘No’ to any request that comes your way. You have an obligation to take care of yourself first and foremost.  

Learn to Love Change The next step in becoming more assertive is to learn to love change. As you begin to live by your values and become more assertive, your relationships will change. You are going to make some changes to your life and the way in which you interact with other people. In addition, the only unchanging thing in this life is the fact that change will be constant. The best you can do is learn to love change. Identify What Makes You Afraid – And Go After ItMany of us wimps have created massive fears over what will happen when we finally say ‘No.’ We get into catastrophic, all-or-nothing negative thinking. Most often, these are irrational fears that have been blown up to monstrous proportions. Odds are that none of these things will actually happen if you stand up and rightly assert yourself. Remember to challenge your fears and your negative thoughts. Often, thoughts and feelings do not tell the truth. It is important to challenge negative thoughts. Don’t let them go by without speaking back to them. Check them against reality. Check your thoughts out with other people. Find out what people you trust have to say about the matter.Please realize that assertiveness is NOT the same as aggressiveness. You don’t have to be rude or impolite to be assertive. You don’t have to attack someone to let them know of your thoughts and your feelings. You have the right to stand up for your rights. You have the right to say ‘No’ and to take proper care of yourself. You have the right to stand up and ask for what you want and need. The worst that can happen is that they say ‘No. You can’t have that.’In any case, you need to know what makes your life worth living. And then stand up for it. Ask for it. Fight for it. Work towards it. Pay attention to it. You have to know what you want before you can be assertive. If you don’t know, you can’t ask. SummaryIn closing, keep in mind that assertiveness requires some courage. Courage only exists when you feel some degree of fear. The act of overcoming your fear is known as courage.  Assertiveness is the courage to do the right thing, at the right time, in the right manner despite possible adverse consequences. Think of assertiveness on a 1 to 10 scale where 1 is meek and 10 is overly aggressive. Assertiveness usually varies by situation. It is environment-specific. The ultimate goal is to learn how to be properly assertive without using intimidation to get what you want. About the Author
Dr. John Schinnerer

Dr. John Schinnerer is in private practice helping men learn anger management, stress management and latest ways to deal with destructive negative emotions. His practice is located in the Danville-San Ramon Medical Center at 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., #280, Danville, California 94526. He graduated summa cum laude from U.C. Berkeley with a Ph.D. in psychology. Dr. Schinnerer has been an executive and psychologist for over 10 years. Dr. John Schinnerer is President and Founder of Guide To Self, a company that coaches clients to their potential using the latest in positive psychology, mindfulness and attentional control. Dr. John Schinnerer hosted over 200 episodes of Guide To Self Radio, a prime time radio show, in the San Francisco Bay Area.  Dr. Schinnerer is President of Infinet Assessment, a psychological testing company to help firms select the best applicants. Dr. Schinnerer’s areas of expertise range from positive psychology, to emotional awareness, to moral development, to sports psychology. Dr. Schinnerer wrote the award-winning, “Guide To Self: The Beginner’s Guide To Managing Emotion and Thought,” which is available at Amazon.com, BarnesAndNoble.com and AuthorHouse.com.  

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17. November 2008 by John Schinnerer.

Doctors Must Look After Their Health, Too, Study Recommends

ScienceDaily (Nov. 15, 2008) — Short term counselling followed by a modest cut in work hours may help reduce emotional exhaustion (burnout) and sick leave in doctors, according to a study published on British Medical Journal (bmj.com) today.

It is well known that doctors have higher rates of depression and suicide than the general population and are less likely to seek help. There have been calls for early intervention programmes to help doctors with mental distress and burnout before their problems interfere with the welfare of patients.

Although such programmes have been shown to reduce stress and exhaustion, it is not clear what type of intervention is best suited to which individual or personal characteristics, or which factors contribute to positive changes.

Dr Karin Rø and colleagues from Norway examined levels of burnout and predictors of reduction in emotional exhaustion after one year, in 227 stressed doctors who participated in voluntary counselling.

Initially, 187 doctors attended a one day individual session, and 40 a one week group based course. Of the 185 doctors who completed follow-up assessments, 70 returned for an additional intervention during the follow-up year, 51 to a one week course and 19 to an individual session.

They completed self report assessments in the four weeks before and the three weeks after the counselling, and a follow-up questionnaire after one year. The data was compared with data obtained from a representative sample of Norwegian doctors in 2003.

One year after a counselling intervention stressed doctors reported a reduction in emotional exhaustion and job stress similar to the level found in a representative sample of Norwegian doctors.

The researchers also found that the number of doctors on full time sick leave had reduced substantially in the year after counselling (35% to 6%), and that the use of psychotherapy also substantially increased from 20% to 53% in the follow-up year.

Interestingly, they found that reduction in work hours after the intervention was also associated with a reduction in emotional exhaustion.

“Our findings indicate that seeking a counselling intervention could be conducive to reduction of burnout among doctors. Considering doctors’ reluctance to seek help…it is important to offer interventions that facilitate access”, conclude the authors.

Adapted from materials provided by BMJ-British Medical Journal

Posted in Alexithymia, Managing Sadness, anger management, Managing Anxiety, Men's emotions, Resiliency, mindfulness, physician burnout, physicians health, emotional management, depression, life coach, dr. john schinnerer, managing stress, emotional intelligence, anxiety, Guide To Self Beginners Guide To Managing Emotion, happiness, staying calm, positive psychology | Print | No Comments »

7. November 2008 by John Schinnerer.

Today I’m sharing a post from a positive psychology listserv I subscribe to. It’s from a psychologist in Belgium, James Meredith Day. His writing does an excellent job describing the hope and optimism felt throughout the world after Barack Obama was elected Tuesday.

‘Polls across Europe, where I live, in the months preceding the U.S. presidential election showed voters in Germany, The Netherlands, and France to be as well informed on the issues confronting American voters, and the major candidates’ views on these, as were those who intended to vote in the U.S.A. The preference here was 86 per cent for Obama, 9 per cent for McCain, and the rest were for ‘other.’ Wednesday, when I took two of my children to our local Belgian school, I was greeted with jubilation, smiles, even warm embraces by neighbors and fellow parents, from people representing more than 15 different countries, from Japan, to Vietnam, to the European democracies, expressing their relief, and congratulations on the election of Senators Obama and Biden. Two messages came through over and over again: 1. At long last you have shown the world that America can’t be reduced to questions of brute power and money, and have done something to correct the image of a hypocritical, dishonest, arrogant, and inept party and administration; 

2. You have done something we in Europe have not yet done; electing a candidate issued from an immigrant family, of color, who in a short time gravitated to and was rewarded in the most elite of your educational institutions (People here are well aware Obama graduated from both Columbia and Harvard).  This is the America we WANT to look up to, and have as a leading partner in the family of nations. Wearing my Obama button on the street since, I have been greeted by perfect strangers on the metro, tram, bus, expressing the same sentiments. In Germany, the two national stations carried all-night coverage of the election.  Public radio in all the major countries here did the same. Millions of people here stayed up all night to keep track of what was going on, and when the results were announced, there were quite literally celebrations in the streets. 

Prior to this election the confidence in the U.S. had fallen to its lowest rating since the end of WW II.  Our country was regarded as a greater threat to the world’s environment and stability than a guarantor or force for good.’

- James Meredith Day

What an opportunity to promote hope and realistic optimism, not only here in America, but throughout the world.

Personally, I was thrilled at Tuesday’s presidential election results on a number of levels. Regardless of how things proceed from here, Obama’s win provides a number of disenfranchised groups with hope and optimism. And I believe every one of us could use a little more hope and optimism these days.

Let us do our best to continue the positive emotional momentum sparked by the election results. Let us proceed with open minds, warm hearts, a willingness to listen to those with whom we disagree, and helping hands.We are human beings.  We are resilient.

We don’t just roll.We bounce.

Dr. John Schinnerer Dr. John Schinnerer is opening up a private practice to help young and old men manage destructive emotions, such as anger, fear, anxiety and sadness. The practice opens November 15, 2008. The address is 913 San Ramon Valley Blvd., Suite 280, Danville, CA 94526. You can contact Dr. Schinnerer for more info at Info@GuideToSelf.com.

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